OMG you guys, Stephen Baldwin’s in trouble! Remember him? He was in movies like The Usual Suspects and… um… uhhh… well, yeah!
Since becoming “born again” through the power of the Jesus, he hasn’t been able to find very much work and has probably blown all his money on gay prostitutes and methamphetamine, like most conservative Christians do. So either the Tax Man or pimps or drug dealers or someone like that is after him for cash.
But don’t despair, fellow Stephen Baldwin fans – for there is a way to restore him to his previous… glory? Acclaim? Status? Let’s go with ‘status.’
You see, since God is all powerful and much better than you, he got to restore Job, who was a pretty bad ass counterapologist in the old days. But since you’re much lamer, you’re stuck with restoring Stephen Baldwin, who is kind of like Job in that they are both supposed to be humans.
So PLEASE give all your money to these people because they actually want him to speak out to a bigger audience, which would be hilarious. DO IT RIGHT NOW.