A Brief Introduction to “Bob” and His Ways For Normal People
I’ve got to apologize in advance here. There is no way to explain the Church without the description itself becoming a little disjointed. This is good for me, because the act of writing it is itself slacking off. On the other hand, those unfamiliar might find the task of reading and understanding something close to work. At least you’re not working for the Conspiracy.
The Church of the SubGenius was supposedly founded in 1953 by J.R. “Bob” Dobbs after a revelation from Jehovah-1 on a television set Dobbs made himself. “Bob” had been the world’s most successful drill-bit salesman, but then had to abandon that career in order to spread his word throughout the world. Here is what “Bob” looks like:
Those “quotes” around “Bob” are actually halos and not quotation marks. “Bob” smokes a substance called frop from his pipe which may be the source of all of his power. He was married several times, but his first and primary wife is Connie, the patron of SubGenius women. He was shot in the 1980s, but then returned to give his assassin a medal. There are many other details of his fascinating life, but you can read about them through the SubGenius site. Now we will move on to the content of “Bob’s” revelation.
By staring at his homemade television set at the image of Jehovah-1 that day back in 1953, “Bob” learned that the world is controlled by a conspiracy of normal people (a.k.a. Pinks) and that the only way to escape is through slack. We are all born with Original Slack and the Conspiracy of Normals typically steals it away from us at a young age. But rejoice, friends, for we can all get our slack back, plus “eternal salvation or triple your money back” but you ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY FUCKING MUST SEND IN $30 to a P.O. Box in Cleveland Heights, OH.
But wait – there’s more! I will put this into a gambler’s perspective. If the Church teachings are true, then not only do you get your slack back and live a richer and happier life here on Earth by being free and open and not subservient to authority; you will also be saved on the day of reckoning when the aliens from Planet X come to destroy all of the Earth except for everyone who paid their $30. The Men From Planet X will also spare any place on Earth listed by a SubGenius. But for everyone else, the world will end tomorrow and they may die.
On the other hand, if the claims of the Church are all lies, the SubGenius will have lost very little. “Bob” will meet them at the gates of Hell to reimburse them triple their money back. However, at the same time you receive $90, “Bob” – remember, he is the greatest salesman of drill bits the world has ever seen – will then try to sell you a booklet called, “How to Enjoy Hell for Five Cents an Eternity,” which costs $89.95. Everything else in Hell unfortunately costs $91.
“Bob” predicted that the day the aliens would come to destroy the conspiracy, known as “X-Day,” would arrive on July 5, 1998, at 7AM. But you may be under the impression that that date has already passed us, and yet the Earth remains with the Conspiracy intact. OR HAS IT?
The Church has explained the failure of our apparent reality to coincide with the word of Dobbs with several auxiliary hypotheses. Here are some of them:
- We got the date upside down, and X-Day really won’t happen until July 5, 8661.
- There are so many places that SubGeniuses have requested to be spared from destruction on the Earth that the Men From Planet X just decided not to bother.
- The Conspiracy moved everyone and everything on Earth to Mars without anyone’s knowledge the night before the invasion. Now are living on Mars, and the planet we refer to Mars is the smoldering remains of Earth.
- It is not yet 1998 because the Conspiracy has been manipulating our calendars in order to embarrass “Bob.”
Now it is up to you to decide which is more likely: that one of these reasons for the prophecy’s apparent failure is true, or that the word of “Bob” is nothing but complicated and well-written fiction.
In order to investigate this matter, I will be traveling to Sherman, NY to attend the end of the annual X-Day festival, which has been the subject of some legal complications involving dickhead small-town judges. Will this year be the year we’re all swept away in the Rupture? Or will it be yet another drill for the real thing and a test of our faith? Is the Church an elaborate joke disguised as a religion, or a relgions disguised as an elaborate joke? These questions and more I hope to answer for you all very soon in the future – as long as you’re still alive to read about it.