Why have I not heard of ZDoggMD before? Internet, you’re supposed to tell me about these kinds of things.
Archive for February, 2011
The “Society of Professional Journalists” is pretty upset with the way that nobody covering the story seems to get angry enough about how Murphy was deceptive in his talk with Governor Walker. They cite their own ethical code in that journalists should be “honest, fair and courageous in gathering, reporting and interpreting news.”
So Murphy clearly violated the SPJ’s ethical code as far as not being honest since he was pretending to be someone he wasn’t. But if you’re going to whine about every time a journalists lies in order to obtain information, then that effectively make all undercover journalism “unethical” according to the standards of the Society of Professional Journalists. In fact, let’s see what the SPJ’s Code of Ethics has to say about undercover journalism:
Avoid undercover or other surreptitious methods of gathering information except when traditional open methods will not yield information vital to the public. Use of such methods should be explained as part of the story.
If someone at the SPJ were to actually read the story, they might have noticed that the very first thing they will read is a quote from a Democratic state senator in Wisconsin saying, and this is a paraphrase, that traditional open methods of contacting Governor Walker in order to obtain information vital to the public have not yielded results. So my question to the SPJ is: How exactly does Murphy’s story not qualify as an exception to the SPJ’s “no undercover work” rule?
Traditional open methods had not yielded this information, contrary to what certain pols and politicians have been saying (more on that later). The information we uncovered is vital to the public. This should be a textbook case of acceptable undercover journalism according to the SPJ’s own standards.
We’ve finally arrived at the end – the last movie nominated for Best Picture and therefore the Beasties. It is a film about how, in a world where most of the global population lived under a repressive colonial rule in abject poverty and with no hope for a sustainable future, one overpriveleged bratty monarch battled against all odds to overcome his slightly embarrassing speech impediment. So it’s a British movie, if you hadn’t put that together already. As if any other country in the world would find inspiration in a story like that.
I have composed a poem for the occasion of reviewing this movie. You may read it now:
In west Norfolk, York Cottage, born and raised,
On the polo field is where he spent most of his days,
Chilling out, maxing, inbreeding all cool and all,
Stammering through some speeches outside of the school,
When a couple of childhood illnesses who were up to no good,
Started making trouble in his thymus gland-hood,
He got in one little genu valgum condition and his great-grandmother Queen Victoria got scared,
She said, “You’re movin’ to third in line for the crown after I die from a cerebral hemhorrage in 1901.”
First 5 Minutes: The Duke of York is going on a freestyle rap competition broadcasted by the BBC. He’s very nervous and chokes. The crowd heckles him, shouting “You SUCK!” or “You stuttering FUCK!” or something like that. Then they start throwing beer bottles at him, so he pulls his hoodie up and runs backstage to cry.
6-8 Minutes: The Duke goes to an alt med practitioner who, before treating anyone, always likes to see how many goats’ testicles they can fit in their mouth. He tells his patients that this reveals how many chakras they have, but really he just does it for laughs. The Duke is embarrassed by how many he can fit in his mouth, so he leaves the quack’s office in much the same way he left the freestyle battle. More crying and zipping up of hoodie ensues.
9-12 Minutes: The Duke’s wife seeks out another quack. This one is eccentric and will therefore become a major character. The wife makes an appointment under the fake name her husband uses when he’s agreeing with himself on internet forums, but the quack figures out that she must be royalty when she demands that he make house calls, and that he crawl to their palace on all fours carrying a rabid Bonobo on his back. She hires him and agrees to pay in cash and in advance.
13-17 Minutes: The quack goes back to his homeschooled family and is all like “OMG OMG the Dutchess of York totally came to my office today and when she crossed her legs I got to see up her dress!” The family is unimpressed.
The Duke also goes back to his inbred homeschooled family and tells them that a stupid story about penguins. He can’t even do that without stuttering and his children heckle him mercilessly. The Duke curls up into the fetal position, crying. Since his daughters have been trained to see this as a sign of weakness, they start kicking him in the back and head. He will get his revenge by feeding them penguin meat for dinner tomorrow night. A typical evening for their household, really.
The quack tries out for a spot doing backing vocals for a major studio so he won’t have to hang out with stuttering losers anymore, but they turn him down for suffering from oldness.
18-29 Minutes: The Duke and the quack meet for the first time, and Dr. Lionel Logue starts by telling the Duke, “It’s not your fault,” over and over. It turns out that only Robin Williams can use that method effectively. Lionel was told not to sit too close because the wife noticed how he gets a little gropey. Lionel uses class warfare to knock Mister Dukey Fancypants off of his high horse and starts calling him Berty. “You’re lucky I’m not calling you Betty!” Lionel sneers after knocking the Duke to the floor with a pimp-slap.
Logue trolls the Duke throughout the first session until he leaves in a fit of rage. This is actually the historical origin of ragecomics, because with his stammer the Duke was only able to manage saying FFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Before he leaves, Logue gives him a mixtape of songs which describe his feelings about the Duke.
30-34 Minutes:The King shows up, makes fun of the Duke’s stutter, and delivers the same anti-sex lecture he’s given every month since Albert was 12. Then he convinces him to get back into the rap game. The Duke listens to Logue’s mixtape and it inspires him to write some badass disses which he will use in the next freestyle battle.
35-38 Minutes: The Duke or Albert or Berty or whatever goes back to Logue to go through his intense training sessions to become a rap superstar. It’s part of Logan’s series of intense training programs for a path to financial independence for only 3 easy payments of $99.99. Get your official certification in such exciting fields as:
Being a stuttering King!
Call us now at 1-800-IREALLYDONTWANTTOHAVETOFINISHWATCHINGTHISRIDICULOUSMOVIE with your credit card handy! Or send a self-addressed stamped envelope to the address on your screen with a check for $299.97. No CODs, etc…
Now it is time for an 80s movie training montage. Eye of the Tiger plays while the Duke learns what’s really important about being a freestyle rapper. It’s not all about the money and the women and the ruthless suppression of foreigners with the world’s most powerful imperial military. It’s about soul, man.
39-45 Minutes: A gubbermint death panel rules that the King shall have a forced lobotomy. This leaves him confused and demented, so the brothers cut the cord. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that the older brother of the Duke showed up. He flew onto the set in the Wright Brothers’ plane. Anyway, the King dies.
46-55 Minutes: The Duke goes to visit Logue and tells him about how he and his brother euthanized their father with an icepick. Logue tells him that he will forgive him of his sins but only if he starts freestyle rapping RIGHT NOW. He refuses, but later starts up on his own after they both huff model plane glue from a plastic bag.
56-66 Minutes: Albert brings along the wife to his bro’s housewarming party. They speak at each other in English accents. The older one, the king, disses Albert badly in one of their freestyle rapping sessions. Albert goes back to Logue to talk about his feelings and other gay stuff like that. The King’s going to marry a divorced woman from Baltimore and this is apparently some kind of tragedy. Still, that sounds like a much more interesting story than a middle-aged man learning how to fucking speak.
Logue writes about the scoop on his Tumblr page and soon everyone’s Photoshopping the King into ironic and hilarious divorce-based pictures. The Prime Minister finds out 36 hours later when it’s finally reported on CNN and tells the King he does not want because the King marrying a divorced woman will make it much more difficult for the next PM to collaborate with the Nazis.
67-72 Minutes: The King abdicates his kingness to his brother in a radio address where he explains in explicit detail how awesome his new wife is at the sexytime. Many in the audience were disgusted by his frankness, and many more were disturbed by the several minutes he spent simply panting heavily into the microphone. Albert is the new King and calls himself George. Now everyone in r/worldpolitics knows that FutureKingG was a sock puppet account.
73-80 Minutes: Even though he’s now King of the Rap Game, George chokes again in his next freestyle battle. At least now he can use prior restraint to stop the BBC from broadcasting all of his failures. There is more crying. His wife cheers him up by telling him the story of how some pigs do a fair day’s work for a fair day’s pay while others mooch off of the “dole.” This gives him the strength necessary to visit Logue again, who tells George he doesn’t have to be afraid of the dark anymore.
81- Minutes: Logue’s wife walks in right in the middle of the royal threesome, but they play it off as if they were just doing another speech lesson. Then they all go off together for another rap battle. King George will fake it till he makes it, or die tryin’, or keep on truckin’, or whatever the fuck those British people say.
Just before they open the doors to the gig, the King tells Logue that he knows that his only qualifications are from diploma mills and other fake online “universities.” Logue responds by pulling out a long list of testimonials from his many satisfied customers such as “Mike S.” and “Susan T.” This satisfies him.
92-109 Minutes: The royal family watches a bootlegged Hitler speech to warm up for the crowning ceremony. A couple of seconds later Britain is at war with Germany, and now the King must go on the radio to tell the Nazis to lick his balls. He keeps stammering throughout it but everyone just pretended it was dramatic effect even though deep down they really knew their king was a freak who can’t even talk.
110-1 Minutes: The speech, which was the hardest part of WWII, is now over. All that’s left is to send conscripted young men all over the world to die for their country. A firebombing here, a concentration camp there, that’s about all that’s left. THE END.
The Republican governor of Wisconsin is trying to push through legislation which would strip public employees of their collective bargaining rights. You’ve probably heard about this by now.
In response, thousands of protesters have filled the streets of Madison. Here are some of them:
Good times. Anyway, Glenn Beck weighed in on the subject and did that random association thing he does. According to Beck, the Wisconsin public unions are collaborating with the Muslim Brotherhood because Midwest teachers, police officers, and other public servants have a lot in common with the Muslim Brotherhood, a group which (unfortunately for Beck’s conspiracy mongering) has only 15% public approval in Egypt.
Here’s how it works: See, in Egypt, they had demonstrations protesting against what the government is doing. And now in Wisconsin, you’ve got demonstrators protesting against what the government is doing. Obviously the two groups must be in cahoots! For some reason, Beck doesn’t use this kind of brilliant analysis to compare protesting teabaggers with protesting Muslim extremists, even though they share much of the same ideology.
At this point, the only thing stopping Glenn Beck from being as much of a loon as Alex Jones is his refusal to get involved with 9/11 troofer bullshit.
Governor Walker claimed he needed to try to bust up public unions because of budget problems. We’re broke and the sky is falling so we need to cut benefits from skilled workers. It’s just how it’s got to be, because of the BUDGET. Ah, if only if weren’t for that budget, everyone who works for a living would get a retirement and decent health care and stuff like that. In fact there’s even a number associated with the budget problem. They are $137 million in debt. But then some people started investigating why there’s so much of a budget problem in Wisconsin. From One Wisconsin Now:
Republican Gov. Scott Walker plans to pay for $140 million in new special interest spending signed into law in January by extending the state’s long term debt in a “scoop and toss” refinancing scheme that will cost untold tens of millions of dollars in additional debt for Wisconsin.
In other words, the only reason they’re in so much debt is because now Walker has to pay off the corporations which helped him get elected. In order to do that, he has to redistribute the wealth from the working poor and the middle class to his extremely rich contributors. Apparently you only get to call it socialism or communism when you’re redistributing wealth from the rich to the poor. When it’s the other way around – as it is in this case- it’s an “emergency budget measure” or some other such nonsense. Got that? Giving money to the poor = communism. Giving money to the rich = tough-minded pragmatism. That’s how conservatives think. Seriously.
Yesterday, in an attempt to delay or kill the proposed bill, Democratic state senators fled the state so that less than the necessary 3/5 wouldn’t be in attendance. Reporters tracked some of them down to a Best Western in Rockford, IL. Wonkette points out that that hotel has an awesome water park and a pub, so that makes it a win-win for the state senators who made it there.
Probably will have more on this later as it develops.
Here are their names (source):
- Max Baucus (D-MT)
- Mark Begich (D-AK)
- Sherrod Brown (D-OH)
- Tom Harkin (D-IA)
- Frank Lautenberg (D-NJ)
- Mike Lee (R-UT)
- Jeff Merkley (D-OR)
- Patty Murray (D-WA)
- Rand Paul (R-KY)
- Bernie Sanders (I-VT)
- Jon Tester (D-MT)
- Tom Udall (D-NM)
If you see your Senator listed here, maybe it’d be a good idea to contact them and let them know that you appreciate their support for civil liberties. And it’d probably be even better to contact the ones you don’t see listed here to let them know that they lost your support.
A while back I wrote a list of the 5 worst quacks currently operating. One of them was Jim McCormick, the director of a company called ATSC which sold useless pieces of plastic to the military in Iraq and Afghanistan to use as bomb detectors. It’s kind of a stretch to call him a quack, I guess, because that term usually refers to woo dealing with medicine and not so much the war profiteering variety.
McCorcmick was arrested last January and questioned regarding his whole fraud thing. Then an unnamed was arrested for the same thing. And now a third unnamed man has been arrested. He was released on bail last week.
That’s your promised update. No lynching or anything like that, at least not yet.
The President of Republicans John Boehner went on the teevee this weekend to tell David Gregory that although he’s definitely not a birther, he doesn’t want to interfere with the right of Americans to believe stupid things by telling his supporters that they’re wrong about Obama’s place of birth and religion. From Politico:
When the host of NBC’s “Meet the Press” asked Boehner whether he, as speaker of the House, had a responsibility to “stand up to that kind of ignorance,” Boehner told David Gregory: “It’s not my job to tell the American people what to think. Our job in Washington is to listen to the American people.”
OK, got that? John Boehner is not interested in telling the American people what to think! He would never do such a thing. Right? Well, I decided to ask the Wikipedia to find out if that is actually true. Here are some things I found:
On May 25, 2006, Boehner issued a statement defending his agenda and attacking his “Democrat friends” such as Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi. Boehner said regarding national security that voters “have a choice between a Republican Party that understands the stakes and is dedicated to victory, and a Democrat Party with a non-existent national security policy that sheepishly dismisses the challenges of a post-9/11 world and is all too willing to concede defeat on the battlefield in Iraq.”
Each and every day, Israel’s very existence is at stake.
We need to look at the American people and explain to them that we’re broke,” Boehner said. “If you have substantial non-Social Security income while you’re retired, why are we paying you at a time when we’re broke? We just need to be honest with people.
A ban on taxpayer funding of abortion is the will of the people and ought to be the law of the land. But current law – particularly as enforced by this Administration – does not reflect the will of the people.
Those are all quotes from the House Majority Leader literally telling the American people what they should think. And not only that, but he’s also told the American people what to think in regards to how to pronounce his own name. If I think his name is pronounced ‘boner,’ isn’t it my right to call him that? Apparently he’s not as against telling people what to think as it seems he is when it comes to birtherism. But why the special exception in that case? Let’s go back to Politico to find out:
Boehner denied that he is willing to let those misperceptions remain because they weaken and delegitimize Obama.
Oh no, of course not.
Originally posted at The BEAST
Despite all of the protests against it in the Middle East, we will be continuing with another installment of The BEASTIES. As a concession to the demonstrators demanding they cease immediately, this one will cover twice the normal amount of movie and will use far less effort to create. But this ongoing feature will not step down. The movie “reviews” will continue until morale improves. That or next week sometime. Here are 127 Black Swan:
First 4 Minutes: Some guy has made a tragic decision to leave his apartment and cell phone behind and flee from civilization like Hosni Mubarak from Cairo. Then he will start a new life as a grizzled, bearded, mumbling, squirrel-eating, cow-mutilating, lice-infested hermit who gives out wisdom and life-changing advice to any who are lucky enough to wander far enough to cross his path.
5-10 Minutes: He’s now way out in the desert wearing a handkerchief because he is about to either be teargassed at the G8 demos or rob a bank in the 1930s. He recruits two young ladies into his black bloc or bank-robbing gang or whatever the fuck. We now learn his name is Aaron, and he will now initiate them.
11-15 Minutes: Aaron makes the women leap from the lion’s head to prove their worth. But it turns out it was all just an illusion of forced perspective and they land safely into an underground lake. It looks like hanging out in the middle of a desert is a great way to meet women. They ask him to come to a party where they will all get drunk and then drive around in the Mystery Machine and solve crimes. Aaron goes of on his own, searching for ghost pirate treasure.
16-75 Minutes: A rock pwns Aaron, and now he’s stuck in some crevice. He can’t get out. His arm is stuck. Even the power of positive thinking cannot move the rock which is crushing his arm. So he decides to make YouTube videos, asking for help. When he only gets stupid comments from n00bs in return, he starts making videos of his own paranoid rants and racist remarks. They do phenomenally well (3.6 million views within 126 hours), but still don’t result in any rescue efforts.
76-84 Minutes: Aaron eventually runs out of deities to pray to for help, so he invents one that eats human arms in exchange for a Mercy Helicopter drop in the desert on demand. After the sacrifice, Aaron climbs back up the crevice like it ain’t no thang and looks around for his new god’s promised medical response.
85-89 Minutes: On his way out, Aaron meets some people who were just in the neighborhood to see if they could survive in a very narrow rock formation for 128 hours, which is the sort of thing that happens in this area often. They try to convince him to give them his other arm. “It’d be more symmetrical,” they explained. “Come on, be cool.” Aaron refuses because he’s a whiny little bitch. Balrog delivers the helicopter, but it takes him to Oprah instead of a hospital, where he’s cured with Reiki by Dr. Oz. Other reporters rightfully make fun of his lack of two full arms and call him “Stumpy the Gimp.” THE END
Each comment separated with asterisks indicates 1 minute of movie time.
*fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *oh yeah, treat those metatarsals* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *her mom just told her to take off her shirt in a creepy rapist way* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap*
- Mother Jones: South Dakota Moves To Legalize Killing Abortion Providers
- Nicholas Kristof: What Egypt Can Teach America
- Slashdot: DailyMotion now streaming live news from from Al Jazeera, BBC, and France 24 and others.
- Lawrence Wright: Paul Haggis vs. Church of Scientology
- Danger Room: Kin Jong Il’s 69th Birthday Party Kicks Off
- Wonkette: Dick Cheney Refuses to Answer Questions About Sonic the Hedgehog
- WPXI: Man creates a fire hazard to combat atheists.
Here are their names (source):
- Gary Ackerman (NY-5)
- Jason Altmire (PA-4)
- Joe Baca (CA-43)
- John Barrow (GA-12)
- Sanford Bishop (GA-2)
- Tim Bishop (NY-1)
- Dan Boren (OK-2)
- Leonard Boswell (IA-3)
- Corrine Brown (FL-3)
- George Butterfield (NC-1)
- Dennis Cardoza (CA-18)
- Russ Carnahan (MO-3)
- John Carney (DE-1)
- Kathy Castor (FL-11)
- Ben Chandler (KY-6)
- Gerry Connolly (VA-11)
- Jim Cooper (TN-5)
- Jim Costa (CA-20)
- Joe Courtney (CT-2)
- Mark Critz (PA-12)
- Henry Cuellar (TX-28)
- Susan Davis (CA-53)
- Ted Deutch (FL-19)
- Norman Dicks (WA-6)
- Joe Donnelly (IN-2)
- Martin Heinrich (NM-1)
- Brian Higgins (NY-27)
- Ruben Hinojosa (TX-15)
- Tim Holden (PA-17)
- Steny Hoyer (MD-5)
- Jay Inslee (WA-1)
- Steve Israel (NY-2)
- William Keating (MA-10)
- Ron Kind (WI-3)
- Larry Kissell (NC-8)
- Jim Langevin (RI-2)
- Sander Levin (MI-12)
- Daniel Lipinski (IL-3)
- Nita Lowey (NY-18)
- Stephen Lynch (MA-9)
- Jim Matheson (UT-2)
- Carolyn McCarthy (NY-4)
- Mike McIntyre (NC-7)
- Jerry McNerney (CA-11)
- Brad Miller (NC-13)
- Chris Murphy (CT-5)
- Bill Pascrell (NJ-8)
- Ed Perlmutter (CO-7)
- Gary Peters (MI-9)
- Collin Peterson (MN-7)
- Mike Quigley (IL-5)
- Nick Rahall (WV-3)
- Silvestre Reyes (TX-16)
- Mike Ross (AR-4)
- Steve Rothman (NJ-9)
- Dutch Ruppersberger (MD-2)
- Adam Schiff (CA-29)
- Allyson Schwartz (PA-13)
- David Scott (GA-13)
- Terri Sewell (AL-7)
- Heath Shuler (NC-11)
- Albio Sires (NJ-13)
- Niki Tsongas (MA-5)
- Chris Van Hollen (MD-8)
- John Yarmuth (KY-3)
Contact your Representative if you see them on this list to tell them that they lost your support due to their position on civil liberties.
First 10 Minutes: Cobb is talking about memes and how people can take credit for someone else’s memes on Reddit in order to acquire karma. But there is a way to protect yourself, and that is why he is going door to door selling his virus protection software to a Japanese guy in a room with way too many lights.
OMG it was all just a dream! Well, that wasn’t too bad. Concise, at least. Oh shit, nevermind it’s going to keep going. Natasha from the Bullwinkle cartoons shows up and hits on Cobb since she is undergoing a trial separation from Boris Badenov. Then Leonardo DiCaprio went on a killing spree on set. Security stopped him while the producers all slowly turn around in their swivel-chairs doing slow clap. Oh wait, nevermind guys! This is all really just the movie… inside a dream. I think. The cast starts shooting stunt doubles just to prove it and this gives Cobb night terrors.
11-20 Minutes: Everyone wakes up and there’s a riot because they are outraged that Christopher Nolan did not get nominated for Best Director. But that doesn’t matter because it was all another dream, if you didn’t see that coming. It turns out Cobb and his friends are corporate spies who get all up in ur sleep, stealin ur memez. That is what happens when indie dream spies sell out to The Man. I remember back when they used to play at Showplace and this one time Critter got so drunk he threw up all over the mosh pit. It was so gross, but everyone understood because those were crazy times, man!
The guy from Brick hangs out with Cobb in Japan and they’re approached by the Japanese guy they were trying to rob earlier who does slow clap again. He wants to hire them to do a forced meme, aka Inception. He cannot get this procedure done in the US because the gubberment death panels will not ration out that kind of treatment under Nobamacare.
21-28 Minutes: Cobb goes to visit Alfred Pennyworth, who has been using a fake identity to pose as a university professor in France ever since the death of Bruce Wayne. So he gives Cobb a university student named Ariadne to do an unpaid internship designing mazes to use on the menus of his family restaurant chain. Cobb takes her to one of them and tries to sell her on his 11 step program on how to unlock the full potential of the brain for just 3 easy payments of $95.99. But it was all just a dream… *sign* Again…
29-39 Minutes: Ariadne shows off her design skills and Cobb decides that she will make excellent children’s placemats. Nolan uses all the cool special effects he couldn’t afford in Following. Their acid trip goes bad and Natasha returns to stab Ariadne in the stomach for an impromptu wall slinky. This disturbs her for some reason so she bolts.
Cobb hits up a Kenyan casino to try to recruit another actor for the movie. But bad guys are following him, so Cobb runs away and tries to hide out in a cafe like Indiana Jones did in Raiders of the Lost Ark. The chase scene causes lots of property damage and terrifies countless innocent civilians, but that’s OK because a main character escaped with the newly hired actor AND Barack Hussein Obama’s real birth certificate.
40-50 Minutes: Ariadne comes back and the guy from Brick shows her some MC Escher paintings. Cobb needs another actor to play the role of the chemist who makes their LSD, so he recruits this guy running an opium den. Saito, Cobb’s client, makes a speech about how his energy company is ideologically opposed to monopolization of the energy market as long as the company holding the monopoly isn’t his. So Cobb has to force a self-destructive meme into Saito’s enemy’s (played by The Scarecrow) dome-piece. It’s too bad they didn’t consider lobbying for anti-trust legislation, because that would make this movie or dream or whatever it is superfluous.
Cobb and Ariadne talk about his obsession with the wife he had to kill and how it will inevitably fuck up everything, but they decide against taking any real precautions whatsoever for the sake of suspense. See, they know it’s all just a movie. Inception is very meta that way.
51-60 Minutes: Cobb’s team decides to force the whole business-killing meme with a really catchy pop-punk concept album. They jam until they come up with something which will affect The Scarecrow on multiple levels, and then they will leave the music industry with a “kick,” which is just what the kids are calling it these days.
Ariadne is a voyeur and goes to fap while watching Cobb make out with his dead wife in a dream. She’s locked in some kind of S&M dungeon, which is why she sometimes gets all stabby.
61-69 Minutes: The gang catch a plane with The Scarecrow and drug him so they can see if he pisses his pants when they put his hand in lukewarm water. He does, and it’s hilarious. Many lulz ensues as they enter into the Matrix, I mean dream world.
Everyone’s pretty much immediately attacked by some dudes who are all like, “Hey! GTFO our dreams!” Saito gets clipped and it turns out that if any of them die in the dream they’ll go to Purgatory with nothing but aborted fetuses to keep them company. They’re all Catholics all of a sudden, I guess.
70-85 Minutes: They all interrogate Scarecrow and his buddy in compliance with the Geneva Conventions by playing their pop-punk album at them while they’re chained to a radiator. Cobb talks about his acid experiences with Natasha. Apparently one day she freaked out, thought she could fly, and jumped off a building in order to become a statistic used by the ONDCP. Cut back to the interrogation with gun fights and car chases and yet another dream…
86-97 Minutes: Cobb does a scene with Scarecrow in order to proliferate memes, which is kind of the main purpose of this movie. He also pretends to be Scarecrow’s anti-spyware software, pulling on his experience earlier selling it door to door. Then they both do a dine-n-dash from the hotel bar.
Cobb turns Scarecrow against his godfather who he’s known all his life just from a few lines of dialogue all while he he’s dreamin in his dream so he can dream while he dreams. This is like beating the mini-boss at the end of a board in video games, so they move on to the next level which takes place in a forced labor camp in Siberia.
98-114 Minutes: Back in the hotel, Christopher Nolan is going mad with power from the success of The Dark Knight and changes the laws of physics. He blames it all on the scene from earlier where they’re all taking a leisurely Sunday afternoon drive through the park, but that is a “false flag.” This scene is an “inside job!” WAKE UP, SHEEPLE.
Back in Siberia, everyone starts playing Call of Duty: Black Ops. But it’s one of those levels where you have to finish it within a certain amount of time and you never make it on the first try.
115-123 Minutes: As usual, they all fail to meet the time requirement for this level, so Ariadne plugs in a cheat code so they all go into God Mode, which is where Cobb plays Second Life when he’s feeling lonely and depressed. But Natasha shows up spouting some Post-Modernist bullshit about how there are multiple realities and it all just comes down to the subjective experience of the observer as she thinks it’s proved due to the double-slit experiment and quantum mechanics. She has been reading a lot of Deepak Chopra in this particular dream world.
The guy from Brick in the hotel and the others in Siberia continue playing video games.
124-132 Minutes: Cobb tells Natasha about how he totally punk’d her into committing suicide that one time and she STILL wants them to “be together.” It’s getting a little desperate and pathetic at this point, Natasha! Just get back to being a subconscious projection and plot device, please. Cobb verbally bitchslaps her and then Ariadne shoots her, because she’s fake and has no soul. Also, probably a witch.
Scarecrow finally gets around to stealing his dying father’s will in Siberia, and then the gang pwns him by blowing up his hospital. Soon everyone will be leaving The Matrix, I mean, the dream world, and back to reality.
133-140 Minutes: The meme worked. Scarecrow will destroy his father’s business with his anger. Cobb stayed in God Mode but accidentally hit restart and now must live through this whole movie again because it’s a recursive meme. That means that every time you watch this movie, Leonardo DiCaprio’s role is actually played by him each time and not just recorded. He has a terrible agent who signed a nightmarish contract. Cobb goes back to his maybe-home to frighten his maybe-children with his very real arrest warrant for murder. CREDITS.
Originally posted at The BEAST.
OK, I have no idea what this movie is about, but I am very optimistic going in because they spelled “All right” using two words instead of one, so I won’t have to throw fits of rage about a spelling pet peeve right away. Also maybe that means it’s a dystopian sci-fi flick where everyone under 18 is a fascist.
First 8 Minutes: So there’s this suburban family where the kids snort meth while coordinating the Blitzkreig and the parents are these nice lesbians. They watch porn.
9-17 Minutes: Joni tracks down her biological father in order to extract more of his DNA for use in the massive eugenics program she plans on implementing when she rises to power. “It was either him or Glenn Beck,” she explains. His name is Paul and he immediately agrees to collaborate with her without even thinking about it because he is perpetually stoned.
When they talk, Joni realizes that he might be brain-damaged from a stroke, so she warns her brother Laser of this before they meet with him. They go out for lunch and Paul impresses them both by starting a jukebox without a quarter just by hitting it with his fist on the side… and it’s not even plugged in!
18-28 Minutes: Laser’s parents try to force him to confess that he’s gay, but his fundamentalist mindset won’t allow him to deal with it. Instead he sells out Paul and the moms plan to interrogate him. When he arrives, he gives Laser a Christian side hug, which is a sign of their Order.
29-40 Minutes: Paul uses his 50s greaser charm to recruit one of the moms to what he and the kids call “The Cause.” Jules will build a barbed wire fence around his property. This is the way children tend to run right wing pyramid schemes – each new recruit will enslave their own recruits, who will in turn be pressured to recruit even more people until the whole world is directly under the rule of the “kids.”
41-47 Minutes: Now that Paul has separated Jules from her support structure, he realizes that she is susceptible to indoctrination. He tells her that he doesn’t agree with her lifestyle choices, but that together they can help her overcome her human urges (which are a result of The Fall) and have her sins forgiven by Jesus, the One True Lord and Savior Besides Gary Busey. Since Busey is not in this movie, Jules takes her chances with this Jesus guy and try kissing a dude and reading James Dobson’s anti-gay literature. Paul is all like, “Whoa!”
48-58 Minutes: Jules sub-contracts her barbed wire fence work out to some random guy who doesn’t understand the political implications of what he’s getting into. That way her and Paul can bone while he labors. Then Laser wagers his leadership position in the neo-fascist pyramid scheme on a basketball game with Paul, who loses anyway so that scene is inconsequential.
59-66 Minutes: Everyone has dinner again for the fifth time today and Nic gets wasted and goes on an anti-hippy rant. At this point everyone in the family is united in their opposition to the rule of Nic and are being led by the charismatic leader Paul. Jules terminates her underling for looking at her the wrong way.
67-76 Minutes: Paul says he is falling in love with Jules even though she is a redhead with a lot of freckles and no soul. So he has to break up with his girlfriend, which is made all that much easier since she is not initiated. Everyone in the cult must separate all contact from the outside world under the rule of The Titular Kids.
Now Nic wants in on the cool kids’ group and tries out for a spot in the upper echelon by singing. Paul makes plans for everyone to move to Buenos Aires should things go badly for their side.
77-82 Minutes: It turns out that Nic was just faking being nice so that she would be given a wide enough berth to snoop around Paul’s apartment in order to find incriminating evidence of wrongdoing. She finds it, and then starts having auditory hallucinations. Later she tells Jules that she knows what she’s up to and she tells the whole plan to Nic. Loose lips sink ships, Jules. All it takes is one blabblermouth and it blows everything.
83-90 Minutes: Paul suggests they move the entire operation to South America for Plan B, but nobody is really into it. It’s a good thing they didn’t too, because that might inject some excitement into this movie.
91-96 Minutes: Paul shows up again and apologizes for failing in his proselytizing. Nic tells him off by insulting him with a four-syllable word. Juli says that marriage is hard, and then breaks the fourth wall by staring at the camera and addressing the audience directly. She implores everyone to never get married because it sucks, which is all Dostoevsky’s fault. The rest of the family tells her that she’s not funny and to get off the stage.
97- Minutes: They all take off for Argentina in order to avoid being brought before an international tribunal. Joni is released at a college university and is now free to make boring movies of her own.
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