Archive for the ‘Movies’ Category

The Rum Diary

December 4, 2011

It seems like we’ve been mourning Hunter Thompson for the past seven years now. We’ve had the obituary, the response to others’ shitty obituaries, the oral history, the documentaries. Some people got to see his ashes shot from a custom-made Gonzo cannon. We’ve even had weird conspiracy theories about him being murdered floated out on the internet by people who apparently have trouble understanding why someone like Thompson would blow his brains out when he’s in a wheelchair and just starting George W Bush’s second term as President. And now we’ve got the long-awaited movie adaptation of The Rum Diary.

The Rum Diary is pretty good for a superhero origins movie. The superhero later became known as Raoul Duke and Hunter Thompson, but back then he was Paul Kemp.

Kemp was Thompson before Thompson was Thompson – more of a late ’50s greaser who rode around with the Hell’s Angels than the eccentric character we all came to know and love in later years. But there are several moments in the film where you get the impression that you’re watching the beginning of certain aspects of his persona. His love of driving fast in sports cars with beautiful women, his love of psychedelic drugs, his hatred of Richard Nixon – all these things are inserted into the script in order to foreshadow the future of Thompson’s career. Even some lines are lifted directly from his later works for the more obsessive fans in the audience who might be looking for a little more than a literal translation of the novel itself.

Because – and I say this as one of those obsessive fans in the audience – the plot of The Rum Diary isn’t that great. I don’t even remember how it ended, exactly, though I’m pretty sure it was different from the film. What I do remember are the little anecdotes and the overall ambiance. The look and feel of Puerto Rico just before the Paleface, Inc. came in with their pin-striped suits and took over the place, that was really the strong point of Thompson’s writing at this stage.

And that definitely carried over into the translation to celluloid. Some of the characters are simplified to fit a Hunter Thompson model some of us might be more used to. The newspaper’s staff photographer Bob Sala is made into more of an Oscar Acosta / Dr. Gonzo / Ralph Steadman constant companion character than he was, and Moberg (more on him later) is more of an outcast in the film, while he was more or less part of a trio in the book.

Since this is set back about half a century ago, one of the predominant themes of corruption and crime within journalism seems quaint in the modern world. A PR guy played by the Two-Face / Thank You For Smoking guy asks Kemp to plant what amounts to miniature subliminal ads for his development projects within his stories. And although he agrees to it Kemp seems troubled by how he’s being used in the situation. So back then that would’ve been the standard reaction to an offer to be paid to unethically haul water in what amounts to a tiny newsletter for a guy who wants to build a hotel; today you get hacks like Judith Miller enthusiastically volunteering to make a case for war in Iraq in the pages of the New York Times. It’s sad how things change sometimes.

Anyway, it’s been a while since I’ve read the book, but the parts I remembered and the imagery it conjured in my mind looked pretty much exactly as I imagined. The one exception was how Moberg looked. But going back to the book it dawned on me that they had portrayed him pretty accurately and that I had read it wrong. In the movie Moberg looks like an actual transient bum who sleeps in the streets. Reading the book gave me the impression he was just the scruffiest of a scruffy bunch – the drunk who all the other drunks point to, saying, “At least I’m not like him.” But that was because I assumed Thompson was using  an unreliable narrator device in describing Moberg.

But I think a moderate version of Moberg could even be justified by a literal reading of the text. The newspaper’s editor Lotterman yelled at him a lot, but you get the feeling Lotterman was a uptight guy from the beginning. Besides, in the book it was Moberg who was originally with Chenault, not Sanderson. They had a small place on the beach way out in the sticks where he would hunt for chicken. All these factors put together led me to believe Moberg was a little more together than he appears in the film. But then you’ve got Thompson’s [Kemp's] original description of him, which pretty much overrides my own nerding out over this:

Moberg had been in San Juan only a few months, but Lotterman seemed to loathe him with a passion that it would take most men years to cultivate. Moberg was a degenerate. He was small, with thin blond hair and a face that was pale and flabby. I have never seen a man so bent on self-destruction — not only self, but destruction of everything he could get his hands on. He was lewd and corrupt in every way. He hated the taste of rum, yet he would finish a bottle in ten minutes, then vomit and fall down. He ate nothing but sweet rolls and spaghetti, which he would heave the moment he got drunk. He spent all his money on whores and when that got dull he would take on an occasional queer, just for the strangeness of it. He would do anything for money, and this was the man we had on the police beat. Often he disappeared for days at a time. Then someone would have to track him down through the dirtiest bars in La Perla, a slum so foul that on maps of San Juan it appears as a blank space. La Perla was Moberg’s headquarters; he felt at home there, he said, and in the rest of the city — except for a few horrible bars — he was a lost soul.

It goes on for a few more paragraphs, but you get the idea.

Anyway, enough about Moberg. He’s a minor character. What you should take away from this is if you’re thinking about seeing The Rum Diary, don’t expect a literal translation. That’s a pretty unreasonable expectation for any movie based on a book and especially so here, where the filmmakers are trying to make this more of a final goodbye to one of the 20th century’s great journalists than a simple story about a crappy newspaper in late ’50s Puerto Rico.

One last thing. As well as they capture the image and tone of Thompson’s book, I didn’t enjoy this nearly as much as the Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas movie. Then again, this one didn’t have an obsessive maniac in the director’s chair, and we all know Johnny Depp’s not nearly as age-appropriate for a 20something Hunter than he was 14 years ago as a 30something one. Still, it’s better than Where The Buffalo Roam, but not quite good enough to not wait for it to come out on DVD.

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6 Fundamentalist Movies You Should Watch

July 3, 2011

Gates of Hell

I learned about this movie from Right Wing Watch, which is an organization that watches the right wing. And they watched the right wing pushing this movie, and it looks awesome.

Have you heard about how conservatives have been trying to sell African-Americans on the idea of being against legal abortion lately? They’re putting up these nutty billboards (some of which imply that blacks are a distinct species) and running goofy political ads on the radio. See, they’re not racist anymore! They’re really concerned about black babies and how letting black women have abortions is like genocide. And that breaks their hearts, They are very concerned about black people. That’s what they’re pushing. It reminds me of how neo-Nazis like David Duke will pretend to be so compassionate to the Palestinians, when in reality they’re clearly more motivated by hating Jews than anything else.

Anyway, since the billboards and radio ads can only do so much, they’ve decided to make a movie about their abortion/race war fantasies. In this movie, black people are finally convinced by the WorldNetDaily (Molotov Mitchell of WND is the executive producer of this movie) that abortion is really a racist genocidal conspiracy against black people. Nevermind that nobody’s forcing anyone to get an abortion these days, that doesn’t matter. The important thing is that if we don’t outlaw abortion, these scary BLACK guys are going to start shooting doctors and liberals and probably your mom, too. So you better do what they say already.

This movie also strives to solve a major public relations problem for the anti-abortion zealot community. I could be wrong on this, but I’m pretty sure that every single anti-abortion doctor-killer or attempted doctor-killer has been a honky. If you line up their mug shots in a row, it looks like what the Children of the Corn would be like if they were allowed to live past their 19th birthday. Gates of Hell seeks to racially diversify the hate-filled anti-abortion terrorist demographic. Since reality won’t do it for them, they’ll have to make a movie about how they wish black people acted when it comes to abortion, like how colleges Photoshop in Hispanic kids in wheelchairs on their homepages.

See, it’s not this guy who’s threatening those of us who want to keep abortion legal and safe:

Molotov Mitchell of WND has an impressive IMDB page

It’s THIS guy:

Gosh, I wonder why anyone ever though conservatives were racist?

The Life Zone

Bitches love Jesus... I'm gonna get those bitches some Jesus.

The Life Zone is a movie about women who were all having an abobo at the same time and were all kidnapped by some anti-choice terrorist good guys. So they lock al the women up in some underground dungeon and force them  to carry on with being preggo until the baby jumps out of her vagina or however that works.

Their captor is some shady old man who leers on as the younger nurse-lady makes sure their pregnancies are going in the exact opposite way the women wanted. They all talk about abortion and have fourth-grade level arguments about it. And at the end it turns out that they were all in Purgatory the whole time to make sure their unborn babies would be able to go up to Heaven. Yay for massive simultaneous deaths during routine medical procedures!

But one of the women tried to induce a miscarriage during her pregnancy because she still believed that abortion is pretty awesome, so she goes to Hell. And  so does the nurse-lady, because she also died recently from committing suicide. And oh yeah, the captor turns out to be Satan.

The director of this movie is a former Republican judge and politician from New Jersey who had to quit because he kept on promoting his movies from the bench. I heard rumors that he would oftentimes sentence people to watch his movies, much like how  the senile Judge Wapner now sentences us all to drink his root beer. Anyway, this guy has another movie you may want to check out called “O.B.A.M. Nude,” which is about how Barack Obama sold his soul to the devil while in college and in exchange was given some mysterious power to turn the world into a socialist paradise for Satan. So that’s where he’s coming from…

Left Behind I-III

I have only seen the first two movies in the Trilogy O’ Kirk (We hardcore fans call it TOK for short on internet forums), but then again I haven’t seen any of the movies I’ve mentioned so far. Hey, this is about movies you should see, not necessarily movies I should see.

So way back in the day, Jesus promised he would return at the side of God  to kick the asses of the non-believers. St. John or whichever crackhead wrote Revelation took that  premise from Jesus and ran with it, elaborating it into a D&D-ish apocalypse fantasy. In the mid-19th century, some pastors merged in some passages from 1 Thessalonians and rapture theology was born.

But the rapture never happened. This made fundamentalist Christian authors Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins very sad and frustrated. They wondered: What if it really did happen? Hey, maybe it will happen, like, really soon! Wouldn’t that be awesome? LaHaye and Jenkins were getting all excited just thinking about it!

So they wrote a book about it. Then they wrote a few more books about it, and a few more. And then Kirk Cameron was all like, “Dudes! Let’s make some of these shitty books into unwatchable, straight-to-DVD movies!” And so it came to pass.

Cameron’s character starts off as a reporter for “GNN” who’s trying to find out where all those missing people have gone. Some people start asking him if he’s considered believing they all went to Heaven for the rapture. He hadn’t, but he takes that belief system out for a test drive, buys it, and it works out pretty well for him. He’s told that if he can bring 10 friends and family members in to start selling Amway products Christianity themselves, then he can definitely expect to achieve financial independence in 3 easy steps go to Heaven the next time Jesus sweeps his favorite people up into the sky.

Buck Williams also discovers that the UN Secretary General is the antichrist. GNN has a strict disclosure policy for when you are reporting on someone you believe to be the antichrist, but it’s OK in this case because he can hide his anti-antichrist bias fairly well.

The way you get to activate antichrist mode in the Left Behind universe is to advocate peaceful solutions to the territorial disputes in the Gaza Strip. That’s what the UN SecGen does, and that’s how Buck finds him out. You see, when someone tries to settle international disputes in a non-violent way, that’s a sure sign that they’re evil. The Left Behind crowd can easily tell how good someone is by how many wars they wage. If only it worked the same way with the State of New York Department of Justice and drunken disorderly charges.

In the end I guess Kirk Cameron sneaks into the UN, gains the antichrist’s trust, and just kinda hangs out while God comes back to kick his ass. Because it’s not like either of them can do anything to change what’s going to happen. Supposedly this God person predetermined all of it. That takes a lot of suspense out of this trilogy. We all know there’s no chance the good guy will tragically (?) die after a cameo appearance by Cthulu. It’s just going to be Jesus guiding Mike Seaver through a fundie’s fever dream.

But there’s still lots to learn from Left Behind, especially in how these people view nonbelievers. Basically, they think we’re all extremely stupid and shallow, that the only reason we don’t believe is because if we did we’d all have to confess our sins and submit before the Jesus and we’re all just too proud for that scene. It doesn’t seem to occur to them that maybe we don’t believe because none of the miraculous events in the books and the movies have actually happened. This is all meant to be fiction, right?

But maybe not. If you read the newspapers and do a little free association here and make a few leaps of faith there, it’s possible to link real current events to all this ancient mythology the Left Behind groupies seem to be so obsessed over. And that’s where this stuff starts to get creepy.

Expelled!

Expelled! is a creationist propaganda movie. It also gets pretty far into conspiracy theories and Holocaust revisionism, but mainly this is about creationism.

The filmmakers told their interview subjects that they were making a documentary about the intersection between science and religion. This is how they got people like PZ Myers, Richard Dawkins, Michael Shermer, and Eugenie Scott of the National Center for Science Education to speak with them on camera. Obviously I don’t have any problem at all with this deceitful tactic since we at The BEAST do this kind of thing pretty regularly. The problem… well one of the problems with this movie is selective editing. This is very obvious when you watch the film because the cuts are so fast and awkward that it’s as if Michael J Fox did the editing the old-fashioned way with a razor after a few days off his meds.

According to Expelled!, evolution isn’t accepted by relevant experts because there’s a lot of evidence supporting it, but because there’s a massive worldwide conspiracy of scientists which controls with an iron fist all the peer review literature and all the important positions in relevant fields. So it’s the same premise used by pretty much every other goofy conspiracy theorist, with a twist: If you disagree with Stein and his friends at the Discovery Institute, you sir are a NAZI because this anti-God conspiracy goes all the way back to Nazi Germany.

Yes, as a matter of fact I do got mittens.

The National Center for Science Education has a website devoted to debunking Expelled!, if you’re interested in the details of why Ben Stein is wrong about everything. Maybe you should read that before watching the movie, just in case watching the movie first causes you to start reading about the science in Ben Stein’s voice.

Four Lions

These gentlemen represent an existential threat to our way of life.

I’m going to have to cheat a little with these last two movies which focus on Islam. The ones mentioned earlier were made by the true believers themselves, but here they are the subject. Did I cheat that way because I’m an uncouth American who needs the movies I watch to be westernized for me to appreciate? Probably!

Four Lions is actually about four humans who aren’t lions at all. But they are Muslim wannabe terrorists living in England and planning a suicide bombing for Allah. Hilarity ensues.

We have this disturbing way of looking at Muslim terrorists here in America. It’s the same way they probably see themselves: as a grave, existential threat to Western secular democracy on par with the fascists during World War II. And if you suggest that maybe they’re just a bunch of criminal but laughable idiots who sometimes succeed but usually fail hard, then you’re disrespecting their victims.

It’s a lot like how people still believe in conspiracy theories about John F Kennedy’s death in that when something terrible happens, we ascribe an amount of meaning proportional to the amount of misery it’s caused, even when that connection is not supported by the facts. We don’t like the idea of someone as esteemed as Kennedy being blown away by some down-and-out loser who’s been rejected even by the Soviet Union. It’s much more comforting to believe that he died for brave principles and that he was taken down by one or another shady cabal of evil people with lots of power. Everything seems less random and fragile that way, regardless of the facts.

And in the same way, we’d like for the ‘bad guys’ in the Post-9/11 World news narrative/Michael Bay movie to be not just genuinely bad guys. We want them to be absolutely demonic and with superhuman powers. We can’t have them in court because they might say something which will somehow transform normal, rational Americans into Islamic extremists who want to let Khalid Sheikh Mohammed walk around NYC and plan more terrorist attacks. Because people can do that kind of thing with mere words, apparently.

If you believe in that perception of al Qaeda and others like them, then Four Lions is completely heretical. And what’s funny is that it will outrage Muslim extremists themselves too, and for the same reasons. It just doesn’t take terrorism seriously enough! If you want to laugh at Islamic terrorism, do it in the wake of a drone’s airstrike. It’s for some reason blasphemous to laugh at them for being gullible, ineffectual morons with goofy beliefs and embarrassing, mundane, interpersonal relationship problems.

Oh yeah, they all die in the end.

The Infidel

In a way, The Infidel is a mirror-image opposite of Four Lions. While Four Lions focuses on the titular extremist characters who create humor by interacting with moderates, The Infidel’s main character Mahmud is a moderate Muslim who’s constantly befuddled by the extremist wackos he occasionally crosses paths with in his everyday life. His sister or cousin or someone is about to marry an extremist Muslim cleric he hates, and he’s gotta deal with that somehow. Even his own daughter randomly yells jihadist-y slogans about restoring the caliphate.

Then Mahmud finds out that he was adopted and that his parents were Jewish. So he’ll have to go through a crisis of identity where he learns how to say “Oy, vey” correctly and wear the tattered remains of a Yamaka he just burnt at a pro-Palestinian rally. And then there’s the matter of the radical cleric marrying into his (now Jewish, apparently) family. All this while poor ol’ Mahmud just wants to go on being a half-assed cultural Muslim who doesn’t go to the mosque or care much about politics, but loves to listen to cheesy 80s music and maybe has a drink every once in a while.

The reason you really should see this movie is because the next time some dickhead whines about how people are too afraid to mock Islam like they do Christianity, you can both watch this movie together and prove said dickhead wrong. The attacks on fundamentalist thinking in it are stronger than you’d get in a typical Christian-mocking movie or TV show, but it manages to raise serious concerns while keeping a sense of humor.

The King’s Speech

February 24, 2011

We’ve finally arrived at the end – the last movie nominated for Best Picture and therefore the Beasties. It is a film about how, in a world where most of the global population lived under a repressive colonial rule in abject poverty and with no hope for a sustainable future, one overpriveleged bratty monarch battled against all odds to overcome his slightly embarrassing speech impediment. So it’s a British movie, if you  hadn’t put that together already. As if any other country in the world would find inspiration in a story like that.

I have composed a poem for the occasion of reviewing this movie. You may read it now:

In west Norfolk, York Cottage, born and raised,

On the polo field is where he spent most of his days,

Chilling out, maxing, inbreeding all cool and all,

Stammering through some speeches outside of the school,

When a couple of childhood illnesses who were up to no good,

Started making trouble in his thymus gland-hood,

He got in one little genu valgum condition and his great-grandmother Queen Victoria got scared,

She said, “You’re movin’ to third in line for the crown after I die from a cerebral hemhorrage in 1901.”

The license plate said "Fuh...Freh...Fuh..."

First 5 Minutes: The Duke of York is going on a freestyle rap competition broadcasted by the BBC. He’s very nervous and chokes. The crowd heckles him, shouting “You SUCK!” or “You stuttering FUCK!” or something like that. Then they start throwing beer bottles at him, so he pulls his hoodie up and runs backstage to cry.

6-8 Minutes: The Duke goes to an alt med practitioner who, before treating anyone, always likes to see how many goats’ testicles they can fit in their mouth. He tells his patients that this reveals how many chakras they have, but really he just does it for laughs. The Duke is embarrassed by how many he can fit in his mouth, so he leaves the quack’s office in much the same way he left the freestyle battle. More crying and zipping up of hoodie ensues.

The Duke of York (D-York) and his crew.

9-12 Minutes: The Duke’s wife seeks out another quack. This one is eccentric and will therefore become a major character. The wife makes an appointment under the fake name her husband uses when he’s agreeing with himself on internet forums, but the quack figures out that she must be royalty when she demands that he make house calls, and that he crawl to their palace on all fours carrying a rabid Bonobo on his back. She hires him and agrees to pay in cash and in advance.

13-17 Minutes: The quack goes back to his homeschooled family and is all like “OMG OMG the Dutchess of York totally came to my office today and when she crossed her legs I got to see up her dress!” The family is unimpressed.

The Duke also goes back to his inbred homeschooled family and tells them that a stupid story about penguins. He can’t even do that without stuttering and his children heckle him mercilessly. The Duke curls up into the fetal position, crying. Since his daughters have been trained to see this as a sign of weakness, they start kicking him in the back and head. He will get his revenge by feeding them penguin meat for dinner tomorrow night. A typical evening for their household, really.

The quack tries out for a spot doing backing vocals for a major studio so he won’t have to hang out with stuttering losers anymore, but they turn him down for suffering from oldness.

18-29 Minutes: The Duke and the quack meet for the first time, and Dr. Lionel Logue starts by telling the Duke, “It’s not your fault,” over and over. It turns out that only Robin Williams can use that method effectively. Lionel was told not to sit too close because the wife noticed how he gets a little gropey. Lionel uses class warfare to knock Mister Dukey Fancypants off of his high horse and starts calling him Berty. “You’re lucky I’m not calling you Betty!” Lionel sneers after knocking the Duke to the floor with a pimp-slap.

Logue trolls the Duke throughout the first session until he leaves in a fit of rage. This is actually the historical origin of ragecomics, because with his stammer the Duke was only able to manage saying FFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Before he leaves, Logue gives him a mixtape of songs which describe his feelings about the Duke.

30-34 Minutes:The King shows up, makes fun of the Duke’s stutter, and delivers the same anti-sex lecture he’s given every month since Albert was 12. Then he convinces him to get back into the rap game. The Duke listens to Logue’s mixtape and it inspires him to write some badass disses which he will use in the next freestyle battle.

35-38 Minutes: The Duke or Albert or Berty or whatever goes back to Logue to go through his intense training sessions to become a rap superstar. It’s part of Logan’s series of intense training programs for a path to financial independence for only 3 easy payments of $99.99. Get your official certification in such exciting fields as:

Being a stuttering King!

Rapper!

Veterinary technician!

Jizz mopper!

TV/VCR repair!

And more!

Call us now at 1-800-IREALLYDONTWANTTOHAVETOFINISHWATCHINGTHISRIDICULOUSMOVIE with your credit card handy! Or send a self-addressed stamped envelope to the address on your screen with a check for $299.97. No CODs, etc…

Now it is time for an 80s movie training montage. Eye of the Tiger plays while the Duke learns what’s really important about being a freestyle rapper. It’s not all about the money and the women and the ruthless suppression of foreigners with the world’s most powerful imperial military. It’s about soul, man.

39-45 Minutes: A gubbermint death panel rules that the King shall have a forced lobotomy. This leaves him confused and demented, so the brothers  cut the cord. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that the older brother of the Duke showed up. He flew onto the set in the Wright Brothers’ plane. Anyway, the King dies.

46-55 Minutes: The Duke goes to visit Logue and tells him about how he and his brother euthanized their father with an icepick. Logue tells him that he will forgive him of his sins but only if he starts freestyle rapping RIGHT NOW. He refuses, but later starts up on his own after they both huff model plane glue from a plastic bag.

56-66 Minutes: Albert brings along the wife to his bro’s housewarming party. They speak at each other in English accents. The older one, the king, disses Albert badly in one of their freestyle rapping sessions. Albert goes back to Logue to talk about his feelings and other gay stuff like that. The King’s going to marry a divorced woman from Baltimore and this is apparently some kind of tragedy. Still, that sounds like a much more interesting story than a middle-aged man learning how to fucking speak.

Logue writes about the scoop on his Tumblr page and soon everyone’s Photoshopping the King into ironic and hilarious divorce-based pictures. The Prime Minister finds out 36 hours later when it’s finally reported on CNN and tells the King he does not want because the King marrying a divorced woman will make it much more difficult for the next PM to collaborate with the Nazis.

67-72 Minutes: The King abdicates his kingness to his brother in a radio address where he explains in explicit detail how awesome his new wife is at the sexytime. Many in the audience were disgusted by his frankness, and many more were disturbed by the several minutes he spent simply panting heavily into the microphone. Albert is the new King and calls himself George. Now everyone in r/worldpolitics knows that FutureKingG was a sock puppet account.

73-80 Minutes: Even though he’s now King of the Rap Game, George chokes again in his next freestyle battle. At least now he can use prior restraint to stop the BBC from broadcasting all of his failures. There is more crying. His wife cheers him up by telling him the story of how some pigs do a fair day’s work for a fair day’s pay while others mooch off of the “dole.” This gives him the strength necessary to visit Logue again, who tells George he doesn’t have to be afraid of the dark anymore.

One of George VI's more extreme proposals to cover up his stammer.

81- Minutes: Logue’s wife walks in right in the middle of the royal threesome, but they play it off as if they were just doing another speech lesson. Then they all go off together for another rap battle. King George will fake it till he makes it, or die tryin’, or keep on truckin’, or whatever the fuck those British people say.

Just before they open the doors to the gig, the King tells Logue that he knows that his only qualifications are from diploma mills and other fake online “universities.” Logue responds by pulling out a long list of testimonials from his many satisfied customers such as “Mike S.” and “Susan T.” This satisfies him.

92-109 Minutes: The royal family watches a bootlegged Hitler speech to warm up for the crowning ceremony. A couple of seconds later Britain is at war with Germany, and now the King must go on the radio to tell the Nazis to lick his balls. He keeps stammering throughout it but everyone just pretended it was dramatic effect even though deep down they really knew their king was a freak who can’t even talk.

110-1 Minutes: The speech, which was the hardest part of WWII, is now over. All that’s left is to send conscripted young men all over the world to die for their country. A firebombing here, a concentration camp there, that’s about all that’s left. THE END.

Similar:

127 Black Swan

February 16, 2011

Originally posted at The BEAST

Despite all of the protests against it in the Middle East, we will be continuing with another installment of The BEASTIES. As a concession to the demonstrators demanding they cease immediately, this one will cover twice the normal amount of movie and will use far less effort to create. But this ongoing feature will not step down. The movie “reviews” will continue until morale improves. That or next week sometime. Here are 127 Black Swan:

127 Hours

First 4 Minutes: Some guy has made a tragic decision to leave his apartment and cell phone behind and flee from civilization like Hosni Mubarak from Cairo. Then he will start a new life as a grizzled, bearded, mumbling, squirrel-eating, cow-mutilating, lice-infested hermit who gives out wisdom and life-changing advice to any who are lucky enough to wander far enough to cross his path.

5-10 Minutes: He’s now way out in the desert wearing a handkerchief because he is about to either be teargassed at the G8 demos or rob a bank in the 1930s. He recruits two young ladies into his black bloc or bank-robbing gang or whatever the fuck. We now learn his name is Aaron, and he will now initiate them.

11-15 Minutes: Aaron makes the women leap from the lion’s head to prove their worth. But it turns out it was all just an illusion of forced perspective and they land safely into an underground lake. It looks like hanging out in the middle of a desert is a great way to meet women.  They ask him to come to a party where they will all get drunk and then drive around in the Mystery Machine and solve crimes. Aaron goes of on his own, searching for ghost pirate treasure.

"It's time for a little self-mutilation, Scoob!"

16-75 Minutes: A rock pwns Aaron, and now he’s stuck in some crevice. He can’t get out. His arm is stuck. Even the power of positive thinking cannot move the rock which is crushing his arm. So he decides to make YouTube videos, asking for help. When he only gets stupid comments from n00bs in return, he starts making videos of his own paranoid rants and racist remarks. They do phenomenally well (3.6 million views within 126 hours), but still don’t result in any rescue efforts.

76-84 Minutes: Aaron eventually runs out of deities to pray to for help, so he invents one that eats human arms in exchange for a Mercy Helicopter drop in the desert on demand. After the sacrifice, Aaron climbs back up the crevice like it ain’t no thang and looks around for his new god’s promised medical response.

85-89 Minutes: On his way out, Aaron meets some people who were just in the neighborhood to see if they could survive in a very narrow rock formation for 128 hours, which is the sort of thing that happens in this area often. They try to convince him to give them his other arm. “It’d be more symmetrical,” they explained. “Come on, be cool.” Aaron refuses because he’s a whiny little bitch. Balrog delivers the helicopter, but it takes him to Oprah instead of a hospital, where he’s cured with Reiki by Dr. Oz. Other reporters rightfully make fun of his lack of two full arms and call him “Stumpy the Gimp.” THE END

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Black Swan

Each comment separated with asterisks indicates 1 minute of movie time.

*fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *oh yeah, treat those metatarsals* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *her mom just told her to take off her shirt in a creepy rapist way* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap*

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Inception

February 13, 2011

First 10 Minutes: Cobb is talking about memes and how people can take credit for someone else’s memes on Reddit in order to acquire karma. But there is a way to protect yourself, and that is why he is going door to door selling his virus protection software to a Japanese guy in a room with way too many lights.

OMG it was all just a dream! Well, that wasn’t too bad. Concise, at least. Oh shit, nevermind it’s going to keep going. Natasha from the Bullwinkle cartoons shows up and hits on Cobb since she is undergoing a trial separation from Boris Badenov. Then Leonardo DiCaprio went on a killing spree on set. Security stopped him while the producers all slowly turn around in their swivel-chairs doing slow clap. Oh wait, nevermind guys! This is all really just the movie… inside a dream. I think. The cast starts shooting stunt doubles just to prove it and this gives Cobb night terrors.

11-20 Minutes: Everyone wakes up and there’s a riot because they are outraged that Christopher Nolan did not get nominated for Best Director. But that doesn’t matter because it was all another dream, if you didn’t see that coming. It turns out Cobb and his friends are corporate spies who get all up in ur sleep, stealin ur memez. That is what happens when indie dream spies sell out to The Man. I remember back when they used to play at Showplace and this one time Critter got so drunk he threw up all over the mosh pit. It was so gross, but everyone understood because those were crazy times, man!

Cobb's old squat, from before he went mainstream

The guy from Brick hangs out with Cobb in Japan and they’re approached by the Japanese guy they were trying to rob earlier who does slow clap again. He wants to hire them to do a forced meme, aka Inception. He cannot get this procedure done in the US because the gubberment death panels will not ration out that kind of treatment under Nobamacare.

21-28 Minutes: Cobb goes to visit Alfred Pennyworth, who has been using a fake identity to pose as a university professor in France ever since the death of Bruce Wayne. So he gives Cobb a university student named Ariadne to do an unpaid internship designing mazes to use on the menus of his family restaurant chain. Cobb takes her to one of them and tries to sell her on his 11 step program on how to unlock the full potential of the brain for just 3 easy payments of $95.99. But it was all just a dream… *sign* Again…

29-39 Minutes: Ariadne shows off her design skills and Cobb decides that she will make excellent children’s placemats. Nolan uses all the cool special effects he couldn’t afford in Following. Their acid trip goes bad and Natasha returns to stab Ariadne in the stomach for an impromptu wall slinky. This disturbs her for some reason so she bolts.

Cobb hits up a Kenyan casino to try to recruit another actor for the movie. But bad guys are following him, so Cobb runs away and tries to hide out in a cafe like Indiana Jones did in Raiders of the Lost Ark. The chase scene causes lots of property damage and terrifies countless innocent civilians, but that’s OK because a main character escaped with the newly hired actor AND Barack Hussein Obama’s real birth certificate.

40-50 Minutes: Ariadne comes back and the guy from Brick shows her some MC Escher paintings. Cobb needs another actor to play the role of the chemist who makes their LSD, so he recruits this guy running an opium den. Saito, Cobb’s client, makes a speech about how his energy company is ideologically opposed to monopolization of the energy market as long as the company holding the monopoly isn’t his. So Cobb has to force a self-destructive meme into Saito’s enemy’s (played by The Scarecrow) dome-piece. It’s too bad they didn’t consider lobbying for anti-trust legislation, because that would make this movie or dream or whatever it is superfluous.

Cobb and Ariadne talk about his obsession with the wife he had to kill and how it will inevitably fuck up everything, but they decide against taking any real precautions whatsoever for the sake of suspense. See, they know it’s all just a movie. Inception is very meta that way.

51-60 Minutes: Cobb’s team decides to force the whole business-killing meme with a really catchy pop-punk concept album. They jam until they come up with something which will affect The Scarecrow on multiple levels, and then they will leave the music industry with a “kick,” which is just what the kids are calling it these days.

Ariadne is a voyeur and goes to fap while watching Cobb make out with his dead wife in a dream. She’s locked in some kind of S&M dungeon, which is why she sometimes gets all stabby.

61-69 Minutes: The gang catch a plane with The Scarecrow and drug him so they can see if he pisses his pants when they put his hand in lukewarm water. He does, and it’s hilarious. Many lulz ensues as they enter into the Matrix, I mean dream world.

Everyone’s pretty much immediately attacked by some dudes who are all like, “Hey! GTFO our dreams!” Saito gets clipped and it turns out that if any of them die in the dream they’ll go to Purgatory with nothing but aborted fetuses to keep them company. They’re all Catholics all of a sudden, I guess.

70-85 Minutes: They all interrogate Scarecrow and his buddy in compliance with the Geneva Conventions by playing their pop-punk album at them while they’re chained to a radiator. Cobb talks about his acid experiences with Natasha. Apparently one day she freaked out, thought she could fly, and jumped off a building in order to become a statistic used by the ONDCP. Cut back to the interrogation with gun fights and car chases and yet another dream…

86-97 Minutes: Cobb does a scene with Scarecrow in order to proliferate memes, which is kind of the main purpose of this movie. He also pretends to be Scarecrow’s anti-spyware software, pulling on his experience earlier selling it door to door. Then they both do a dine-n-dash from the hotel bar.

Cobb turns Scarecrow against his godfather who he’s known all his life just from a few lines of dialogue all while he he’s dreamin in his dream so he can dream while he dreams. This is like beating the mini-boss at the end of a board in video games, so they move on to the next level which takes place in a forced labor camp in Siberia.

98-114 Minutes: Back in the hotel, Christopher Nolan is going mad with power from the success of The Dark Knight and changes the laws of physics. He blames it all on the scene from earlier where they’re all taking a leisurely Sunday afternoon drive through the park, but that is a “false flag.” This scene is an “inside job!” WAKE UP, SHEEPLE.

Back in Siberia, everyone starts playing Call of Duty: Black Ops. But it’s one of those levels where you have to finish it within a certain amount of time and you never make it on the first try.

115-123 Minutes: As usual, they all fail to meet the time requirement for this level, so Ariadne plugs in a cheat code so they all go into God Mode, which is where Cobb plays Second Life when he’s feeling lonely and depressed. But Natasha shows up spouting some Post-Modernist bullshit about how there are multiple realities and it all just comes down to the subjective experience of the observer as she thinks it’s proved due to the double-slit experiment and quantum mechanics. She has been reading a lot of Deepak Chopra in this particular dream world.

The guy from Brick in the hotel and the others in Siberia continue playing video games.

124-132 Minutes: Cobb tells Natasha about how he totally punk’d her into committing suicide that one time and she STILL wants them to “be together.” It’s getting a little desperate and pathetic at this point, Natasha! Just get back to being a subconscious projection and plot device, please. Cobb verbally bitchslaps her and then Ariadne shoots her, because she’s fake and has no soul. Also, probably a witch.

Scarecrow finally gets around to stealing his dying father’s will in Siberia, and then the gang pwns him by blowing up his hospital. Soon everyone will be leaving The Matrix, I mean, the dream world, and back to reality.

133-140 Minutes: The meme worked. Scarecrow will destroy his father’s business with his anger. Cobb stayed in God Mode but accidentally hit restart and now must live through this whole movie again because it’s a recursive meme. That means that every time you watch this movie, Leonardo DiCaprio’s role is actually played by him each time and not just recorded. He has a terrible agent who signed a nightmarish contract. Cobb goes back to his maybe-home to frighten his maybe-children with his very real arrest warrant for murder. CREDITS.

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The Kids Are All Right

February 11, 2011

Originally posted at The BEAST.

OK, I have no idea what this movie is about, but I am very optimistic going in because they spelled “All right” using two words instead of one, so I won’t have to throw fits of rage about a spelling pet peeve right away. Also maybe that means it’s a dystopian sci-fi flick where everyone under 18 is a fascist.

These kids are all wrong.

First 8 Minutes: So there’s this suburban family where the kids snort meth while coordinating the Blitzkreig and the parents are these nice lesbians. They watch porn.

9-17 Minutes: Joni tracks down her biological father in order to extract more of his DNA for use in the massive eugenics program she plans on implementing when she rises to power. “It was either him or Glenn Beck,” she explains. His name is Paul and he immediately agrees to collaborate with her without even thinking about it because he is perpetually stoned.

When they talk, Joni realizes that he might be brain-damaged from a stroke, so she warns her brother Laser of this before they meet with him. They go out for lunch and Paul impresses them both by starting a jukebox without a quarter just by hitting it with his fist on the side… and it’s not even plugged in!

18-28 Minutes: Laser’s parents try to force him to confess that he’s gay, but his fundamentalist mindset won’t allow him to deal with it. Instead he sells out Paul and the moms plan to interrogate him. When he arrives, he gives Laser a Christian side hug, which is a sign of their Order.

29-40 Minutes: Paul uses his 50s greaser charm to recruit one of the moms to what he and the kids call “The Cause.” Jules will build a barbed wire fence around his property. This is the way children tend to run right wing pyramid schemes – each new recruit will enslave their own recruits, who will in turn be pressured to recruit even more people until the whole world is directly under the rule of the “kids.”

41-47 Minutes: Now that Paul has separated Jules from her support structure, he realizes that she is susceptible to indoctrination. He tells her that he doesn’t agree with her lifestyle choices, but that together they can help her overcome her human urges (which are a result of The Fall) and have her sins forgiven by Jesus, the One True Lord and Savior Besides Gary Busey. Since Busey is not in this movie, Jules takes her chances with this Jesus guy and try kissing a dude and reading James Dobson’s anti-gay literature. Paul is all like, “Whoa!”

48-58 Minutes: Jules sub-contracts her barbed wire fence work out to some random guy who doesn’t understand the political implications of what he’s getting into. That way her and Paul can bone while he labors. Then Laser wagers his leadership position in the neo-fascist pyramid scheme on a basketball game with Paul, who loses anyway so that scene is inconsequential.

59-66 Minutes: Everyone has dinner again for the fifth time today and Nic gets wasted and goes on an anti-hippy rant. At this point everyone in the family is united in their opposition to the rule of Nic and are being led by the charismatic leader Paul. Jules terminates her underling for looking at her the wrong way.

67-76 Minutes: Paul says he is falling in love with Jules even though she is a redhead with a lot of freckles and no soul. So he has to break up with his girlfriend, which is made all that much easier since she is not initiated. Everyone in the cult must separate all contact from the outside world under the rule of The Titular Kids.

Now Nic wants in on the cool kids’ group and tries out for a spot in the upper echelon by singing. Paul makes plans for everyone to move to Buenos Aires should things go badly for their side.

All hail Freyja!

77-82 Minutes: It turns out that Nic was just faking being nice so that she would be given a wide enough berth to snoop around Paul’s apartment in order to find incriminating evidence of wrongdoing. She finds it, and then starts having auditory hallucinations. Later she tells Jules that she knows what she’s up to and she tells the whole plan to Nic. Loose lips sink ships, Jules. All it takes is one blabblermouth and it blows everything.

83-90 Minutes: Paul suggests they move the entire operation to South America for Plan B, but nobody is really into it. It’s a good thing they didn’t too, because that might inject some excitement into this movie.

91-96 Minutes: Paul shows up again and apologizes for failing in his proselytizing. Nic tells him off by insulting him with a four-syllable word. Juli says that marriage is hard, and then breaks the fourth wall by staring at the camera and addressing the audience directly. She implores everyone to never get married because it sucks, which is all Dostoevsky’s fault. The rest of the family tells her that she’s not funny and to get off the stage.

97- Minutes: They all take off for Argentina in order to avoid being brought before an international tribunal. Joni is released at a college university and is now free to make boring movies of her own.

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The Social Network

February 8, 2011

Originally posted at The BEAST

Facebook is a social-networking website. You can sign up for it by logging into the world wide web and typing “http://www.facebook.com” into the address bar at the top. Remember, that’s facebook — all one word, all in lower-case letters. You will need a valid electronic mail “address” in order to create an “account,” which you can then use to stalk that girl who wouldn’t go to the dance with you in 8th grade because you were too “creepy” and “weird.” But now that you are a VERY SUCCESSFUL WRITER FOR THE INTERNET, she will doubtlessly throw herself at you and you can LAUGH and remind her of her cruelty as a 13 year old! It’s payback time! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Wait, what is this? A movie review? Whatever. OK, so this movie is about The Facesbooks. What follows is everything you need to know about this completely factual documentary.

First 5 Minutes: Zuckerberg is drunk in a bar and in the middle of a cocaine-fueled, xenophobic, anti-Chinese rant with some random girl. She refuses to fuck him next to the dumpster outside because he is too big of a nerd, so he walks back to his dorm alone and blueball’d.

5-8 Minutes: The actors have all forgotten their lines, so they walk around the Harvard campus in complete silence. One of the grip people improvise on piano with Trent Reznor. Fincher decided to use this footage during the opening credits as a prank.

8-15 Minutes: Zuckerberg gets back to his dorm and immediately goes on Omegle.com to start trolling 12 year olds. After his 15th beer, he decides to graduate to fapping on Chatroulette while wearing a Pedobear mask. Everyone is impressed by his mad pwning skillz. This sequence is interspliced with shots of a Freemason’s party where all attendees are required to recite an incantation to Jahbulon before they are allowed to do a keg stand.

15-18 Minutes: The admin applies /banhammer to Zuckerberg and his friends and then rounds him up for an IRL yelling session. That girl from The Office goes easy on him because she did well on Zuckerberg’s ripoff of hotornot.com.

18-24 Minutes: Introduce two stereotypical jocks who recruit Zuckerberg into their Secret Order. He swears a blood oath of loyalty to the Zacharias and Bradford von Preppytwin brothers.

25-33 Minutes: Zuckerberg decides to go undercover in the Secret Order in order to undermine it with the aid of his friend in a Jewish frat which is definitely not the Illuminati. They all listen to reggae and smoke weed together. This is all interspliced with some kind of legal proceedings where people in suits all poke Zuckerberg until he cries. Zacharias and Bradford has a sad about Zuckerberg ditching them all the time.

33-38 Minutes: The twins take out their frustration with Zuckerberg’s betrayal on their undergraduate sex slaves. Then marvel and thrill at the high-paced action of septegenerian attorneys sitting at a table with their clients taking a disposition. Zuckerberg decides that when he is a 33rd Degree Freemason, he will put signs on everyone which advertise their relationship status. But first he must launch Friendster, which he does.

39-44 Minutes: Twins realize that their Secret Order and all of their plans will be for naught. But they will not cut out Zuckerberg’s tongue, because he has already been initiated and that would displease their pagan gods. This is followed by more thrilling legal proceedings, which gives all of the paralegal clerks in the audience multiple orgasms.

45-50 Minutes: Bill Gates comes to Harvard to apologize for Windows Vista. Zuckerberg and his Illuminati partner pick up groupies and discuss how best to free the unwashed masses from the tyrannical power of the twins and their Secret Order. Ultimately they decide to do it by editing in a scene from the trailer at this point.

51-54 Minutes: Zuckerberg meets back up with the random girl at the bar from the beginning. He again asks for sex by the dumpster but she turns him down because he said mean things about her on the internet. In order to compensate for his shortcomings, he decides to expand the resistance to 3 chapters in Connecticut, New York, and California.

55-60 Minutes: The girl from The Office: “This must be hard” is what she said. Some other stuff happened, but I wasn’t really paying attention, something about Limewire.

61-66 Minutes: Twins meet with Larry Summers to try to convince him to let them get some of that TARP cash money. Summers refuses on the grounds that although they are big, they are not quite too big to fail. Then there are more legal proceedings. 97% of this movie has so far been made up of people sitting in chairs around a table in a room, talking. Truly this makes it worthy of 8 Oscar nominations.

67-71 Minutes: Mark and Eduardo meet up with the bass player from Metallica. This scene involves sitting around a table, but the talking is muted about by Trent Reznor’s jam sessions. Eventually the bassist shares his conspiracy theories about how the CIA is reading his mind and only his special aluminum foil hat can stop them.

72-76 Minutes: Back at the room with the table and the chairs and the talking, PETA accuses Eduardo of sacrificing chickens to his pagan gods and smearing an eerie logo which is the symbol of his order using their blood in the Harvard cafeteria.

77-84 Minutes: Next they hold some kind of hacking competition where the slowest worker is hanged and the fastest one is offered an exciting new life in forced labor. Everyone is very excited about this for some reason, so some of them move to California. Now instead of sitting around tables in brightly lit rooms, they are sitting around a table and talking at a rave party. They are going to start getting drunk, but then it cuts away because any fun in this movie would be too exciting and entertaining.

85-89 Minutes:

The twins lose at some sport or something. They didn’t score enough points for their squadron to get the trophy. So in their rage they decide to disembowel Mark – legally, of course, by forcing him to sit in a chair around a table while talking. I’m at the edge of my seat nearly in a coma in anticipation of how this turns out!

90-102 Minutes: It looks like the Metallica bassist is replacing Eduardo, judging from the seating arrangements of the meetings, which are unbelievably still going on. Meanwhile, Eduardo’s girlfriend starts a fire and causes too much excitement, which means they will both be banished from the script.

103-115 Minutes: Eduardo starts yelling around a table instead of just talking which is a terrible breach of contract for this movie. He also moves things. Obviously, security is called to escort him off set. The meta part of this movie ends, and even more lawyering ensues. Movie ends with Mark trolling the random bar girl.

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Winter’s Bone

February 3, 2011

Originally posted at the BEAST.

"Movie, I'm going to have to ask you to pick up the pace already."

I am looking forward to summarizing this because I have never seen Inuit porn before. Rule #34 is in effect.

First 5 Minutes: Some survivalist woman named Ree is raising her two kids way out in the sticks somewhere. They go to a school which has been invaded by a local militia.

6-10 Minutes: The police arrive to stop the movie immediately since it is already way above the FCC’s prescribed maximum tedium levels. As punishment, he forces Ree to go find her father’s fortified compound in the woods or else she will lose the future.

11-15 Minutes: Meals on wheels arrives, which means it is time to teach the kids how to make “deer stew.” The next day, Ree tells one of her survivalist friends of her troubles and asks for some ammunition for her upcoming adventure but the local militia commander refuses her request due to an error in the paperwork.

Fugitive father-finding requests need to be filled out in triplicate, people!

16-19 Minutes: Basically the same thing happens again, but this time with weed and long walks in depressing settings. I guess this makes it more realistic because this is the Ozarks and they don’t have civilization or anything there.

20-24 Minutes: Ree arrives at Little Arthur’s and the same thing happens AGAIN. Protip for screenwriters: killing off Red Shirts is a much more effective way to elevate tension than stonewalling.

24-8 Minutes: The next house she walks to is also some of their inbred cousins. Ree organizes a sit-down strike, but since she’s the only one striking (Ree is not a very good organizer) it only lasts a few minutes before she bends the will of management and goes home. Once there, she is immediately kidnapped by a bearded used truck salesman.

29-32 Minutes: The truck salesman tells Ree that her father died in a bizarre gardening accident, and shows here the scene of the explosion to prove it – which, I might add was only like 2 miles down the road from her house. She probably passed it a few times on one of her many recent walks and could have saved herself and her “kin” a lot of trouble if she had bothered to just put the pieces together herself.

The audience is thrilled to see how the next walk will turn out.

33-6 Minutes: Ree doesn’t believe the hype, and then turns down an offer from the used truck salesman to steal the children and indoctrinate them in accordance with his customs. Instead she instructs them on the finer points of killing ATF agents. Then Ree’s friend comes over with a stolen truck so it’s time for a road trip. They pack Twizzlers.

37-41 Minutes: Their first stop is at a jam band session where one of the groupies gives them a lead on how to… Wait, what were they doing, again? Whatever, she soon goes back home and tortures some squirrels with the kids.

42-47 Minutes: Ree says no to both selling her land and to drugs, stares at her shoes, and asks the Log Lady from Twin Peaks for help. But the log won’t speak to her.

48-52 Minutes: A bounty hunter shows up to try to rev some life into the movie, asking Ree to maybe please just the one time kill her father. Ree decides to instead go to a slaughterhouse and deliver a sermon on behalf of PETA, but nobody can hear her because the cows moo too loudly.

53-58 Minutes: The Log Lady and her friends take Ree into a garage for some enhanced interrogation, redneck-style. One of the militia leaders from earlier (Teardrop) shows up to negotiate her release. They allow this on the condition that they both refrain from ending any word they speak with the letter G.

59-65 Minutes: Ree recovers from her enhanced interrogations and starts popping pills. She has a drug-induced dream about squirrels learning to use chainsaws and overthrowing their human masters, as hillbillies often do. We are now one hour into the movie and have yet to see this Dad / Jessup character who’s apparently very important to the plot.

66-71 Minutes: Ree tries to defect from her local militia to the federal government’s but they reject her because she is only 17 and cannot legally yet be contracted for any Inuit porn, which I’m sure is about to happen ANY MINUTE NOW. Teardrop takes Ree to a bar so she can stare at it while he drinks inside. Then he buys some weed from the mountain man version of Jay and Silent Bob and then re-enacts his favorite scene from The Big Lebowski.

72-76 Minutes: Another road trip, this time with Teardrop, is interrupted by the fuzz. It turns out that it was just the friendly neighborhood sheriff from the beginning, just checking in to make sure everyone in the car was armed with loaded rifles in compliance with the Americans Killin’ stuff Act of 2014, signed into law by President Mike Huckabee. Jessup is dead, maybe, or something, so I guess the movie will be ending very soon, if there’s a merciful and forgiving God, that is.

77-81 Minutes: Lots of incoherent mumbling, then some nice old ladies come by and offer to show Ree her father’s bones. The exciting climax of this movie is going to be a day in the life of the Dead Animals Department of a rural town’s Highway Agency. EXCITING!

82-89 Minutes: A walk and a canoe ride later, a group of women ask Ree if she wants to see a dead body. She does, so they take her to where they left Jessup’s corpse, which is in the impromptu underwater tomb where they worship him as a deity. Then they chop off one of his limbs so Ree can feed it to her little brother and sister.

90-95 Minutes: The bounty hunter returns to pay Ree for the human flesh she provided. Teardrop rocks out on the banjo and decides to follow Phish on tour. One of the kids tries to jam on banjo but she sucks. CREDITS

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Toy Story 3

January 26, 2011

I’ve decided to give myself this project of writing up these timestamped reviews of movies nominated for best picture for the Oscars. This way readers can talk about them at parties without having to actually watch them. They are all guaranteed to be 100% accurate, so don’t bother fact-checking or anything. Think of these as Cliff’s Notes, except they’re for people with a fear of movies instead of the illiterate. You can trust me.

0-5 Minutes:

A train is transporting people across the desert to the nearest concentration camp. But it’s been hijacked by a man with an inoperable tumor on his gargantuan head, and Tom Hanks is trying to thwart his plot so the gypsies can be exterminated on schedule. A fight ensues, the gypsies are frightened, but they’re all saved at the last minute by Wernher von Braun. This is all going to turn out to be someone’s dream or something.

OK, it was a flashback. Close enough. When he was a child, Andy used to summon the power of his dark Lord Satan in order to bring his inanimate toys to life. In exchange, the devil took the lives of 6 of Andy’s unborn brothers and sisters, prompting his parents to see a fertility doctor to find out what was going on with all these miscarriages. They received no explanation.

Cut to a montage of Andy growing up with crippling agoraphobia with his “toys” as his only companions. As he went through adolescence, he developed persecutional delusions in which his toys were secretly conspiring against him. And so he locked them up in a box indefinitely without charges.

Andy’s fears, though the product of a damaged and paranoid mind, were of course well-founded. The toys really were plotting Andy’s demise. Fortunately they are awful at being terrorists and the plan to kill him with a cell phone-activated IED failed.

5-17 Minutes:

Tom Hanks in Toy Story 3

Tom Hanks is going by the pseudonym Woody. He is the Muqtada al-Sadr of the toy insurgency and announces that soon Andy will implement a prisoner transfer from Block one-one-three-eight. Andy’s mom botches the transfer and puts all the toys but Woody before a firing squad. Woody accidentally rescues them at the last minute while dumpster diving for used coffee filters.

18-21 Minutes:

Woody is a staunch reactionary who fears change. He tries to rile up the insurgents for one last terrorist attack, but nobody really has it in them anymore. Andy’s mom continues the prisoner exchange.

21-31 Minutes:

Andy’s mom brings them to a free love commune in the middle of a rave party. Lotso is the big pimp who will get you “anything at all.” He also preaches on the subjects of eternal salvation in exchange for loyalty to the Sunshine Day Care Commune and their anti-authoritarian ethos.

Due to his right-wing views on private property, Woody decides to ditch Lotso’s commune to go to college with Andy in order to help him show vulnerable female art majors that he’s in touch with his childhood and sensitive and shit. He hitches a ride with yet another garbage reciptical, this one pushed by some Mr Magoo looking motherfucker. Dude loves to hump him some trash. After he escapes, he’s kidnapped by a rival faction of the insurgency.

32-40 Minutes:

Back at the commune, the gang discovers the forced labor part of their daily routine. They are beaten mercilessly, and Lotso hangs the slowest worker at the end of every workday (weekends off). They petition the toy leadership for a redress of grievances, but von Braun goes rogue and tries to install wiretaps without a warrant in the leadership council’s private money laundering headquarters. He is discovered like the Watergate criminal he is.

40-46 Minutes:

Lotso steps in on Buzz’s enhanced interrogation and brainwashes him. It turns out that Mrs. Potato Head is a Remote Viewer and she experiences seeing Andy back at their old home. She finds that Andy really does love them, and that the only path to salvation is through His Divine Light. But since she and the others did not believe until they had seen, Lotso declared them all not blessed. Buzz is now in the Black Sleep of the Kali Ma, and he keeps the dissidents under 24 hour suicide watch.

47-53 Minutes:

Barbie disapproves of Ken’s role in Lotso’s Stalinist purges. Lotso explains that the newcomers must withstand a prolonged hazing period and that only with seniority will they rise through the ranks into the Butterfly Room. More force labor and torture is implied.

Meanwhile, Woody finds out how to get back to his personal lord and savior Andy on 4chan. Before leaving, Woody’s new friends do a LOST-style flashback to Lotso’s dark and sordid past, from before he rose to power at Sunnyside.

54-75 Minutes:

Woody is recruited by the CIA and goes on a covert operation to go to Sunnyside and terminate the command of Lotso with extreme prejudice. Together the insurgents carry out a tedious and uninspired plan to reverse Buzz’s brainwashing and escape from the compound. Eventually Darth Vader throws Emperor Lotso into the garbage.

76-87 Minutes:

More dumpster diving / trash humping, followed by what is supposed to be – I’m guessing, judging from the sappy music – an emotional ‘goodbye’ scene.

88-93 Minutes:

Andy violates his court orders to stay away from small children in order to scare a little girl named Bonnie with his demonic “toys.” They both share a little bit of psychotic delusion time together anthropomorphizing small pieces of plastic. Bonnie guilt-trips Andy into giving her the cowboy toy he wanted to keep for himself. Of course, Bonnie will later grow up to be a high-powered Hollywood agent.

THE END

I am very surprised that this was marketed as a children’s story, considering its extremely dark and disturbing subject matter. Shame on Pixar. Will nobody think of the children?

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Racists to boycott Thor movie

December 16, 2010

The Council of Conservative Citizens is this white supremacist group which still exists, and they’re very angry about this movie:

… because there’s a BLACK GUY in it. From Digital Spy:

“It’s not enough that Marvel attacks conservatives values, now mythological Gods must be re-invented with black skin,” a post on the site reads.
“It seems that Marvel Studios believes that white people should have nothing that is unique to themselves. An upcoming movie, based on the comic book Thor, will give the Aesir an insulting multicultural makeover. One of the Gods will be played by Hip Hop DJ Elba.”

It should be noted that the CCC was also very angry at Robert Rodriguez for his movie Machete. The silver lining here I guess is that groups like this have been reduced to whining about movies which they don’t like, Bill Donahue-style. But anyway, who knew that a backwoods group of whiny loons like these guys would know enough to distinguish Marvel from DC?

Machete

September 6, 2010

BEAST Film Review

by Jan Brewer the movie reviewer

brewer2

Hello, my name is Jan Brewer…

… I’m the elected governor of Arizona. Ummmm…

I have seen a very disturbing film recently which the public needs to know about. And I need to yell at you about it without getting any follow-up questions from the media. Josh told me I could do that on The BEAST for $20, and that’s why I’m posting my thoughts on this film here and not at an open press conference.

The film I saw was a documentary about the Messicans called Machete. It exposes the truth about the violence on our Southern border. Especially the beheadings. I’ve learned that most illegal immigrants behead Americans while in close quarters, and they usually do it with a machete, which is why the movie is called Machete.

Stupid unions.

Another important thing we learn from this movie is that we need to start monitoring VOIP calls. It turns out that many Messicans, such as Steven Seagal, like to make death threats and kill people while on the Skype. So we can listen in on the Skype and catch lots and lots of drug dealing kidnappers just by scanning through different internet calls and listening for creepy laughter. We’ll just make sure to not have any federal funding to pursue this method of law enforcement. OK, maybe a little bit of federal funding. OK, a LOT.

Hospitals are actually a secret communist conspiracy to help illegal immigrants kidnap Lindsay Lohan so that they can dress her up as a liberation theology nun and then use the intestinal tracts of real Americans as bungee cords. That’s another true fact I learned from this groundbreaking documentary. Has my enemy Terry Goddard ever gone to a hospital? Probably!

All of the bad guys in this film look kinda… you know, suspicious. And that just proves how useful SB 1070 will be after we I finish suing President Imam Barack Hussein NOBAMACARE for appointing judges. Or something.

I’m not doing any more movie reviews ever. It’s an unfair medium for me to spread my message. SO THERE. Please follow me on the Twitter, thanks.

Mr. Plinkett attacks JJ Abrams’ Star Trek

September 2, 2010

I actually liked this film, although the time travel / alternative timeline bit was a pretty clichéd cop-out.I haven’t watched this review yet, but I’m sure it’ll give me lots of reasons for hating my former self for liking the 09 Star Trek film.

Embedding blip.tv is all messed up on WordPress, so here is part 1.

And here is part 2.

Best movie reviewer ever

April 7, 2010

The guy who did that 70 minute review of The Phantom Menace just released his 90 minute assault on Attack of the Clones. It takes almost as long as the movies’ durations themselves in order to describe (mostly) everything wrong with them. Here’s the first part:

District 9

March 1, 2010

I’ve decided to give myself this project of writing up these timestamped reviews of movies nominated for best picture for the Oscars. This way readers can talk about them at parties without having to actually watch them. They are all guaranteed to be 100% accurate, so don’t bother fact-checking or anything. Think of these as Cliff’s Notes, except they’re for people with a fear of movies instead of the illiterate. You can trust me.

District 9

  • Minute 1: Oh, OK, so this is basically like The Office plus aliens.
  • Minute 2: So now it’s The Office plus redneck aliens. Didn’t Peter Jackson already do a movie about redneck aliens? I think he did.
  • Minute 5: The aliens are living in a concentration camp in Johannesburg.
  • Minute 7: Steve Carrell is coordinating the relocation of the aliens on a trail of tears to Oklahoma, or as they call it in their language, “maize.” His hot wife is proud of him.
  • Minute 12: Not much happening, they’re running around aliens while operating military stuff. How did they learn English so quickly?
  • Minute 14: The aliens are addicted to some kind of heroin stored in cat food.
  • Minute 17: The Steve Carrell guy firebombs an abortion clinic for Jesus and then gets puked on.
  • Minute 20: The aliens are making methamphetamine from garbage.
  • Minute 22: The aliens are busted for making methamphetamine from garbage. Wikus gets sprayed with more alien shit.
  • Minute 24: FIGHT! One of the meth dealers gets ‘capped’ while the other runs away.
  • Minute 27: The surviving meth dealing alien starts a sitdown demo to protest the mass eviction.
  • Minute 29: Wikus is all fucked up puking and bleeding black shit out of his nose. I didn’t even make that part up.
  • Minute 32: Nigerians are now The Man keeping the alien brothas down by eating their hearts after killing them in drug deals.
  • Minute 35: Wikus pukes again. He’s all junk sick at his party and is sent to rehab where his hand goes all alien-y.
  • Minute 36: The military is forcing Wikus to get a sex change operation in secret. But how did the documentary filmmakers get into the restricted area?
  • Minute 40: OK they’re making him shoot aliens with his new creepy hand. I find it difficult to believe that any military is so desperate for weapons that they need to use mutants to operate alien tech.
  • Minute 42: Wikus gets all SexCrazy and RetardStrong and escapes because he knows the vaccines they wanted to give him would make him autistic.
  • Minute 45: The news is reporting, “Wikus was the first motherfucker to see a new galaxy, or find a new alien life form… and fuck it. Now people are, like, ‘There he goes; homeboy fucked a Martian once.’”
  • Minute 47: Oh, I get it! Wikus is part-ALIEN and he’s hiding from the government in South friggin Africa. Old topical content is old.

  • Minute 49: I think he’s hit rock bottom now, eating catfood he bought on the black market straight from the can by hand outside of a garbage heap. Now his wife left him because of the sex change operation.
  • Minute 52: Inspired by Bob Flanagan, Wikus gets into self-mutilation. How is the film crew still with him? This is supposed to be a documentary. Or mockumentary. Or something.
  • Minute 53: Wikus meets up with the surviving meth dealing alien. Up until this point the movie has been building up to a turn into a dual cop comedy except the cops are both renegades who don’t play by the rules.
  • Minute 57: OMG WE CAN’T TEAM UP TO STORM THE SECURITY STATION AND GET THE FUEL BACK ITS A SUICIDE MISSION AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!! OK, let’s go, I guess. Just give me a minute to get all emo and talk to my wife.
  • Minute 62: Hello there Mr. Gangster Sir, I’d like to buy some weapons plz. This will go well.
  • Minute 65:Wikus = Frank Booth “Don’t fucking look at me!”, Nigerian gangsta = Bill O’Reilly “I’m coming for you!”
  • Minute 66: EPIC BATTLE111 Remember kids, always bring your film crew with you while storming an international peacekeeping HQ with alien weapons and your goofy alien sidekick.
  • Minute 76: Bunch of explosions and crap.
  • Minute 78: Wikus is arrested for fucking Martians again, then captured by Nigerian cannibals. “Hey man, be cool, just gimme your arm.”
  • Minute 81: Guys shooting guns, blah blah blah.
  • Minute 83: The goofy alien sidekick uses one of Obama’s predator drones to save Wikus.
  • Minute 86: Wikus saves the goofy alien sidekick from enhanced interrogation using the predator drone.<
  • Minute 91: Sidekick escapes, Wikus decides he’d really rather just hang back and kill some humans instead of change back into one.
  • Minute 96: Black bloc of aliens help Wikus not get killed, he lives happily ever after in the garbage heap. The end.

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Pic of the day

February 17, 2010


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