O’Donnell weighs much more than a duck and is therefore not made of wood

I’m not buying all of this ‘Christine O’Donnell was a witch’ business. Yeah, I’ve seen the video footage of her talking about it on Politically Incorrect, and I don’t have any direct evidence contradicting her claim, but it all just doesn’t quite add up. So here’s my completely uninformed speculation.

First of all, Christians who focus a lot on being “born again” have this need for their own little spiritual rags-to-riches story. Listen to any former alcoholic or drug addict or whatever turned fundamentalist Christian for long enough and eventually you’ll hear a sob story about how they were once “at their lowest point ever” just before they heard the good news about the Jesus. Usually the low point has to do with sex, drugs, and that sort of thing, but O’Donnell’s going one step further by throwing witchcraft into the mix. It’s only by debasing their former selves can they show the great healing power of the Jesus. If you joined a church just because you were feeling a bit lonely and wanted a regular community activity, that’s not a very compelling narrative to sell to other potential converts.

There’s another advantage to O’Donnell lying about this witchcraft, if that’s what she did. As a professional Christianity advocate, which is what she was doing at the time of the video in question, it’s in her interest to appear as though she tried out other religions before discovering the one true faith. In the minds of her audience, it’s to her credit that she saw through the lies of her fellow witches or Wiccans or Satanists or whatever. Now she gets to say that she’s emerged wiser for having a diversity of experience with other religions.

So that’s pretty much what I think about why she lied, if that’s what she did. But there are some tips in the video itself, too. First of all, she interchanges Satanism and witchcraft. I don’t know much about Wicca or Satanism, but even I know that they’re very different. That’s why Wiccan leaders have been speaking out against how O’Donnell equated the two. Wiccans don’t believe in Satan, for instance. And even some Satanists, like the LaVeyian variety, don’t seem to believe in an actual Satan.

Another big tell is how she immediately followed up her “confession” by shouting about how she didn’t join a coven. In other words, nobody can verify her story. I wonder who this fellow who took her on the Satanic altar blood date was. He’s probably still around, right?

I’m not saying that she made this story up in 1999 in order to help boost her 2010 Senate campaign. That would be absurd. I’m saying that I think she made it up in order to self-promote as a professional advocate for Christianity knowing that her stories about what she dabbled in were difficult to confirm or falsify.

Today is the last big primary (masturbation) day, everyone!

Unfortunately I’m not supposed to vote today because New York state has something called closed primaries, which means that you have to be registered in the relevant party to vote. So I will be forced to do so using my “name.” The obvious choice for maximum hilarity is the communist / local yokel  Carl Paladino.

Another state with closed primaries today is Delaware. The Republican primary in Delaware for Joe Biden’s Senate seat is between Mike Castle and Christine O’Donnell. Castle is the normal (yet atypical for this year), moderate candidate which the party supports. So he’s a pretty appropriate choice for Biden’s seat since Biden was basically a moderate Republican while in the Senate.

O’Donnell is the teabagger candidate, and she’s against masturbation because of Matthew 5:27-8:

Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.

Here’s what O’Donnell said in her own words:

The Bible says that lust in your heart is committing adultery. So you can’t masturbate without lust.

Please fap to this picture while reading this post, kthx -mgmt.

So it’s pretty clear that’s the verse to which she was referring. It’s the Sermon on the Mount, if you didn’t know. But it’s just too bad that she didn’t continue using the Bible to dictate her politics with the next few verses. Here’s Matthew 5:29-30:

And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell. And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.

This… well this might be a tough sell, even for the teabaggers. Or maybe not! Maybe Christine O’Donnell will win the primary tonight, and she will then introduce masturbation (no, not this kind) to the national stage inre: the 2010 mid-term elections. The next thing you know, they’d be running attack ads accusing each other of being too liberal on the issue of Biblical, guilt-induced self-mutilation. That. Would. Be. AWESOME!

And if you’re a Republican politician in Delaware, you better hope that’s what happens or else you might get yourself killed. Tom Ross, the chairman of the Delaware Republican Party, received a death threat via email saying that he deserved “a bullet in the head” for supporting Mike Castle instead of the hilarious anti-masturbation lady. This is definitely NOT TERRORISM though, well, just because.

UPDATE: O’Donnell has pulled it off and beat Mike Castle. She then cleaned up with a sock.