Posts Tagged ‘movie reviews’

Homeopath has a diluted understanding of a simple story

September 15, 2011

So I went to see Contagion last weekend. The first thing I did afterwards was lash out at and threaten our followers on Twitter for no good reason. The second thing I did was check out what the alternative medicine crowd thought of it. I thought it’d be fun to see how angry they were over certain aspects, but what I found was even more disturbing than what I expected. [EDIT: Spoilers ahead!]

In the movie Jude Law plays a homeopathy salesman / blogger named Alan Krumwiede who is exposed for the fraud he is in the end. He helps create panic over the epidemic, profits off of it, and then accuses “big pharma” and the government of doing exactly that while portraying himself as a tireless crusader against corruption. When he’s arrested after a hedge fund manager wears a wire to bust him for fraud, manslaughter, and other charges, his devout followers pool their money to bail him out like any cult would for its leader. In other words it’s just like real life.

So I was pretty surprised to come across this blog post from a website called “Homeopathy World,” run by someone named Mary Aspinwall. It’s basically a toned-down version of the Krumwiede character’s blog, “Truth Serum Now.” Mary is mostly happy with how homeopathy is portrayed in the movie because she’s apparently so devoted to the alternative medicine mythology that cognitive dissonance prevented her from understanding the Krumwiede storyline.

To be fair, Contagion doesn’t revolve around Krumwiede. It’s a Steven Soderbergh film, and it’s very similar in its decentralized structure to Syriana and Traffic. There really isn’t a main character and the parallel narratives give more of a ‘big picture’ perspective than most movies. So you’ve got the widower of America’s patient zero (Matt Damon) dealing with the loss of his wife and son, doctors at the CDC (Kate Winslet and Laurence Fishburne) trying to do the best they can with the bureaucracy they have, a WHO epidemiologist (Marion Cotillard) investigating the origins of the disease, and so on. So it’s understandable that someone wouldn’t get parts of the story, but not so much if it’s the one aspect of it in which you’re supposed to be especially interested.

1023-Campaign-s

The way in which Aspinwall misunderstands the story is a great microcosm of how alternative medicine conspiracy theorists misunderstand the way science works. Plot points which reinforce her beliefs are blown up way out of proportion and the rest are ignored. Here’s what she thinks happened:

Alan is highly suspicious of the motives of pharmaceutical companies and government agencies. When he himself falls sick he chooses an alternative route, dosing himself with a (fictitious) natural remedy called “Forsythia”on his vlog (video log). After making a rapid online recovery he begins to attract millions of hits, as people desperately try to get information and protect themselves from the virus, which is killing one in four people who contract it within days.

Law’s character doesn’t fall sick. It’s revealed that he was faking the symptoms at the end. When the authorities confront him with his test results which prove this, Alan replies by saying something like, “Well, of course your tests would say that” in a cold tone which implied that that would be his official defense against their allegations. Even if he were just honestly mistaken about his treatment’s efficacy, he should still be surprised that any tests would show he never was sick – unless, of course, he were faking his symptoms all along.

Another sign that Alan is knowingly lying comes earlier in the film when he meets up with an unidentified woman he seems to care greatly for. She asks him for his magic potion and he tells her that he has none left because his house was robbed. The way he struggled with telling her this hinted that he was probably lying. At first I thought this was a lie born out of greed, but that’s too simple. Too much of a cheap shot.

If you were totally dishonest and making a living out of selling fake medicine to gullible people, would you recommend your own product to people you really cared about? Probably not. You probably wouldn’t bring it up at all. And if things got really desperate, like they do in Contagion, you’d probably find some way to nudge them towards going with an effective treatment without simply telling them that you’re a snake oil salesman. That’s exactly what Alan does with his lady friend.

If the alt-med worldview is the one Soderbergh adopts here, which is what Aspinwall believes, then these two scenes make no sense at all. But alternative medicine and things that don’t make sense kind of go together. If I made a Venn Diagram of the two, it would just be one circle inside another.

If you’re still not convinced Alan was a con man, look at this. It’s actually a screenshot from Aspinwall’s blog with a still from the movie:

am

Alan’s shown wearing this kind of get-up throughout much of the movie, and almost exclusively after he’s already “cured himself.” But why does the inventor and supplier of the cure need to protect himself so much more thoroughly than pretty much anyone else in the movie? If he comes down with symptoms again, he could just drink some of his magical tap water and be cured. Soderbergh’s practically bashing the audience over the head with the idea that Alan’s a liar, but Aspinwall’s blinding herself to all of this and concluding that Alan “does come across as genuine in his beliefs.”

Here’s another funny part of her review:

At one dramatic high point he even catches a high-ranking government spokesman in an out right [sic] lie on live TV.

This is technically true. Laurence Fishburne’s character warned a family member on Facebook to leave her city before news of the massive outbreak and ensuing panic. It’s pretty unethical, but also understandable under the circumstances. It also has absolutely nothing to do with who is right in regards to the science. The entire government could be building an underground city for high-ranking officials with a 10:1 female-to-male ratio a la Dr. Strangelove and it still wouldn’t make Alan’s customer testimonies more reliable than actual epidemiological research.

Oblivious to irony, Aspinwall then pitches her homeopathy kit at the end of her review. When your own way of making a living is so similar to a movie villain, you can either acknowledge that you’re an awful person and try to change or you can do your own revision of the movie and turn the villain into a hero. And it’s pretty clear which option homeopaths prefer.

The King’s Speech

February 24, 2011

We’ve finally arrived at the end – the last movie nominated for Best Picture and therefore the Beasties. It is a film about how, in a world where most of the global population lived under a repressive colonial rule in abject poverty and with no hope for a sustainable future, one overpriveleged bratty monarch battled against all odds to overcome his slightly embarrassing speech impediment. So it’s a British movie, if you  hadn’t put that together already. As if any other country in the world would find inspiration in a story like that.

I have composed a poem for the occasion of reviewing this movie. You may read it now:

In west Norfolk, York Cottage, born and raised,

On the polo field is where he spent most of his days,

Chilling out, maxing, inbreeding all cool and all,

Stammering through some speeches outside of the school,

When a couple of childhood illnesses who were up to no good,

Started making trouble in his thymus gland-hood,

He got in one little genu valgum condition and his great-grandmother Queen Victoria got scared,

She said, “You’re movin’ to third in line for the crown after I die from a cerebral hemhorrage in 1901.”

The license plate said "Fuh...Freh...Fuh..."

First 5 Minutes: The Duke of York is going on a freestyle rap competition broadcasted by the BBC. He’s very nervous and chokes. The crowd heckles him, shouting “You SUCK!” or “You stuttering FUCK!” or something like that. Then they start throwing beer bottles at him, so he pulls his hoodie up and runs backstage to cry.

6-8 Minutes: The Duke goes to an alt med practitioner who, before treating anyone, always likes to see how many goats’ testicles they can fit in their mouth. He tells his patients that this reveals how many chakras they have, but really he just does it for laughs. The Duke is embarrassed by how many he can fit in his mouth, so he leaves the quack’s office in much the same way he left the freestyle battle. More crying and zipping up of hoodie ensues.

The Duke of York (D-York) and his crew.

9-12 Minutes: The Duke’s wife seeks out another quack. This one is eccentric and will therefore become a major character. The wife makes an appointment under the fake name her husband uses when he’s agreeing with himself on internet forums, but the quack figures out that she must be royalty when she demands that he make house calls, and that he crawl to their palace on all fours carrying a rabid Bonobo on his back. She hires him and agrees to pay in cash and in advance.

13-17 Minutes: The quack goes back to his homeschooled family and is all like “OMG OMG the Dutchess of York totally came to my office today and when she crossed her legs I got to see up her dress!” The family is unimpressed.

The Duke also goes back to his inbred homeschooled family and tells them that a stupid story about penguins. He can’t even do that without stuttering and his children heckle him mercilessly. The Duke curls up into the fetal position, crying. Since his daughters have been trained to see this as a sign of weakness, they start kicking him in the back and head. He will get his revenge by feeding them penguin meat for dinner tomorrow night. A typical evening for their household, really.

The quack tries out for a spot doing backing vocals for a major studio so he won’t have to hang out with stuttering losers anymore, but they turn him down for suffering from oldness.

18-29 Minutes: The Duke and the quack meet for the first time, and Dr. Lionel Logue starts by telling the Duke, “It’s not your fault,” over and over. It turns out that only Robin Williams can use that method effectively. Lionel was told not to sit too close because the wife noticed how he gets a little gropey. Lionel uses class warfare to knock Mister Dukey Fancypants off of his high horse and starts calling him Berty. “You’re lucky I’m not calling you Betty!” Lionel sneers after knocking the Duke to the floor with a pimp-slap.

Logue trolls the Duke throughout the first session until he leaves in a fit of rage. This is actually the historical origin of ragecomics, because with his stammer the Duke was only able to manage saying FFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Before he leaves, Logue gives him a mixtape of songs which describe his feelings about the Duke.

30-34 Minutes:The King shows up, makes fun of the Duke’s stutter, and delivers the same anti-sex lecture he’s given every month since Albert was 12. Then he convinces him to get back into the rap game. The Duke listens to Logue’s mixtape and it inspires him to write some badass disses which he will use in the next freestyle battle.

35-38 Minutes: The Duke or Albert or Berty or whatever goes back to Logue to go through his intense training sessions to become a rap superstar. It’s part of Logan’s series of intense training programs for a path to financial independence for only 3 easy payments of $99.99. Get your official certification in such exciting fields as:

Being a stuttering King!

Rapper!

Veterinary technician!

Jizz mopper!

TV/VCR repair!

And more!

Call us now at 1-800-IREALLYDONTWANTTOHAVETOFINISHWATCHINGTHISRIDICULOUSMOVIE with your credit card handy! Or send a self-addressed stamped envelope to the address on your screen with a check for $299.97. No CODs, etc…

Now it is time for an 80s movie training montage. Eye of the Tiger plays while the Duke learns what’s really important about being a freestyle rapper. It’s not all about the money and the women and the ruthless suppression of foreigners with the world’s most powerful imperial military. It’s about soul, man.

39-45 Minutes: A gubbermint death panel rules that the King shall have a forced lobotomy. This leaves him confused and demented, so the brothers  cut the cord. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that the older brother of the Duke showed up. He flew onto the set in the Wright Brothers’ plane. Anyway, the King dies.

46-55 Minutes: The Duke goes to visit Logue and tells him about how he and his brother euthanized their father with an icepick. Logue tells him that he will forgive him of his sins but only if he starts freestyle rapping RIGHT NOW. He refuses, but later starts up on his own after they both huff model plane glue from a plastic bag.

56-66 Minutes: Albert brings along the wife to his bro’s housewarming party. They speak at each other in English accents. The older one, the king, disses Albert badly in one of their freestyle rapping sessions. Albert goes back to Logue to talk about his feelings and other gay stuff like that. The King’s going to marry a divorced woman from Baltimore and this is apparently some kind of tragedy. Still, that sounds like a much more interesting story than a middle-aged man learning how to fucking speak.

Logue writes about the scoop on his Tumblr page and soon everyone’s Photoshopping the King into ironic and hilarious divorce-based pictures. The Prime Minister finds out 36 hours later when it’s finally reported on CNN and tells the King he does not want because the King marrying a divorced woman will make it much more difficult for the next PM to collaborate with the Nazis.

67-72 Minutes: The King abdicates his kingness to his brother in a radio address where he explains in explicit detail how awesome his new wife is at the sexytime. Many in the audience were disgusted by his frankness, and many more were disturbed by the several minutes he spent simply panting heavily into the microphone. Albert is the new King and calls himself George. Now everyone in r/worldpolitics knows that FutureKingG was a sock puppet account.

73-80 Minutes: Even though he’s now King of the Rap Game, George chokes again in his next freestyle battle. At least now he can use prior restraint to stop the BBC from broadcasting all of his failures. There is more crying. His wife cheers him up by telling him the story of how some pigs do a fair day’s work for a fair day’s pay while others mooch off of the “dole.” This gives him the strength necessary to visit Logue again, who tells George he doesn’t have to be afraid of the dark anymore.

One of George VI's more extreme proposals to cover up his stammer.

81- Minutes: Logue’s wife walks in right in the middle of the royal threesome, but they play it off as if they were just doing another speech lesson. Then they all go off together for another rap battle. King George will fake it till he makes it, or die tryin’, or keep on truckin’, or whatever the fuck those British people say.

Just before they open the doors to the gig, the King tells Logue that he knows that his only qualifications are from diploma mills and other fake online “universities.” Logue responds by pulling out a long list of testimonials from his many satisfied customers such as “Mike S.” and “Susan T.” This satisfies him.

92-109 Minutes: The royal family watches a bootlegged Hitler speech to warm up for the crowning ceremony. A couple of seconds later Britain is at war with Germany, and now the King must go on the radio to tell the Nazis to lick his balls. He keeps stammering throughout it but everyone just pretended it was dramatic effect even though deep down they really knew their king was a freak who can’t even talk.

110-1 Minutes: The speech, which was the hardest part of WWII, is now over. All that’s left is to send conscripted young men all over the world to die for their country. A firebombing here, a concentration camp there, that’s about all that’s left. THE END.

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127 Black Swan

February 16, 2011

Originally posted at The BEAST

Despite all of the protests against it in the Middle East, we will be continuing with another installment of The BEASTIES. As a concession to the demonstrators demanding they cease immediately, this one will cover twice the normal amount of movie and will use far less effort to create. But this ongoing feature will not step down. The movie “reviews” will continue until morale improves. That or next week sometime. Here are 127 Black Swan:

127 Hours

First 4 Minutes: Some guy has made a tragic decision to leave his apartment and cell phone behind and flee from civilization like Hosni Mubarak from Cairo. Then he will start a new life as a grizzled, bearded, mumbling, squirrel-eating, cow-mutilating, lice-infested hermit who gives out wisdom and life-changing advice to any who are lucky enough to wander far enough to cross his path.

5-10 Minutes: He’s now way out in the desert wearing a handkerchief because he is about to either be teargassed at the G8 demos or rob a bank in the 1930s. He recruits two young ladies into his black bloc or bank-robbing gang or whatever the fuck. We now learn his name is Aaron, and he will now initiate them.

11-15 Minutes: Aaron makes the women leap from the lion’s head to prove their worth. But it turns out it was all just an illusion of forced perspective and they land safely into an underground lake. It looks like hanging out in the middle of a desert is a great way to meet women.  They ask him to come to a party where they will all get drunk and then drive around in the Mystery Machine and solve crimes. Aaron goes of on his own, searching for ghost pirate treasure.

"It's time for a little self-mutilation, Scoob!"

16-75 Minutes: A rock pwns Aaron, and now he’s stuck in some crevice. He can’t get out. His arm is stuck. Even the power of positive thinking cannot move the rock which is crushing his arm. So he decides to make YouTube videos, asking for help. When he only gets stupid comments from n00bs in return, he starts making videos of his own paranoid rants and racist remarks. They do phenomenally well (3.6 million views within 126 hours), but still don’t result in any rescue efforts.

76-84 Minutes: Aaron eventually runs out of deities to pray to for help, so he invents one that eats human arms in exchange for a Mercy Helicopter drop in the desert on demand. After the sacrifice, Aaron climbs back up the crevice like it ain’t no thang and looks around for his new god’s promised medical response.

85-89 Minutes: On his way out, Aaron meets some people who were just in the neighborhood to see if they could survive in a very narrow rock formation for 128 hours, which is the sort of thing that happens in this area often. They try to convince him to give them his other arm. “It’d be more symmetrical,” they explained. “Come on, be cool.” Aaron refuses because he’s a whiny little bitch. Balrog delivers the helicopter, but it takes him to Oprah instead of a hospital, where he’s cured with Reiki by Dr. Oz. Other reporters rightfully make fun of his lack of two full arms and call him “Stumpy the Gimp.” THE END

-

Black Swan

Each comment separated with asterisks indicates 1 minute of movie time.

*fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *oh yeah, treat those metatarsals* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *her mom just told her to take off her shirt in a creepy rapist way* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap*

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Inception

February 13, 2011

First 10 Minutes: Cobb is talking about memes and how people can take credit for someone else’s memes on Reddit in order to acquire karma. But there is a way to protect yourself, and that is why he is going door to door selling his virus protection software to a Japanese guy in a room with way too many lights.

OMG it was all just a dream! Well, that wasn’t too bad. Concise, at least. Oh shit, nevermind it’s going to keep going. Natasha from the Bullwinkle cartoons shows up and hits on Cobb since she is undergoing a trial separation from Boris Badenov. Then Leonardo DiCaprio went on a killing spree on set. Security stopped him while the producers all slowly turn around in their swivel-chairs doing slow clap. Oh wait, nevermind guys! This is all really just the movie… inside a dream. I think. The cast starts shooting stunt doubles just to prove it and this gives Cobb night terrors.

11-20 Minutes: Everyone wakes up and there’s a riot because they are outraged that Christopher Nolan did not get nominated for Best Director. But that doesn’t matter because it was all another dream, if you didn’t see that coming. It turns out Cobb and his friends are corporate spies who get all up in ur sleep, stealin ur memez. That is what happens when indie dream spies sell out to The Man. I remember back when they used to play at Showplace and this one time Critter got so drunk he threw up all over the mosh pit. It was so gross, but everyone understood because those were crazy times, man!

Cobb's old squat, from before he went mainstream

The guy from Brick hangs out with Cobb in Japan and they’re approached by the Japanese guy they were trying to rob earlier who does slow clap again. He wants to hire them to do a forced meme, aka Inception. He cannot get this procedure done in the US because the gubberment death panels will not ration out that kind of treatment under Nobamacare.

21-28 Minutes: Cobb goes to visit Alfred Pennyworth, who has been using a fake identity to pose as a university professor in France ever since the death of Bruce Wayne. So he gives Cobb a university student named Ariadne to do an unpaid internship designing mazes to use on the menus of his family restaurant chain. Cobb takes her to one of them and tries to sell her on his 11 step program on how to unlock the full potential of the brain for just 3 easy payments of $95.99. But it was all just a dream… *sign* Again…

29-39 Minutes: Ariadne shows off her design skills and Cobb decides that she will make excellent children’s placemats. Nolan uses all the cool special effects he couldn’t afford in Following. Their acid trip goes bad and Natasha returns to stab Ariadne in the stomach for an impromptu wall slinky. This disturbs her for some reason so she bolts.

Cobb hits up a Kenyan casino to try to recruit another actor for the movie. But bad guys are following him, so Cobb runs away and tries to hide out in a cafe like Indiana Jones did in Raiders of the Lost Ark. The chase scene causes lots of property damage and terrifies countless innocent civilians, but that’s OK because a main character escaped with the newly hired actor AND Barack Hussein Obama’s real birth certificate.

40-50 Minutes: Ariadne comes back and the guy from Brick shows her some MC Escher paintings. Cobb needs another actor to play the role of the chemist who makes their LSD, so he recruits this guy running an opium den. Saito, Cobb’s client, makes a speech about how his energy company is ideologically opposed to monopolization of the energy market as long as the company holding the monopoly isn’t his. So Cobb has to force a self-destructive meme into Saito’s enemy’s (played by The Scarecrow) dome-piece. It’s too bad they didn’t consider lobbying for anti-trust legislation, because that would make this movie or dream or whatever it is superfluous.

Cobb and Ariadne talk about his obsession with the wife he had to kill and how it will inevitably fuck up everything, but they decide against taking any real precautions whatsoever for the sake of suspense. See, they know it’s all just a movie. Inception is very meta that way.

51-60 Minutes: Cobb’s team decides to force the whole business-killing meme with a really catchy pop-punk concept album. They jam until they come up with something which will affect The Scarecrow on multiple levels, and then they will leave the music industry with a “kick,” which is just what the kids are calling it these days.

Ariadne is a voyeur and goes to fap while watching Cobb make out with his dead wife in a dream. She’s locked in some kind of S&M dungeon, which is why she sometimes gets all stabby.

61-69 Minutes: The gang catch a plane with The Scarecrow and drug him so they can see if he pisses his pants when they put his hand in lukewarm water. He does, and it’s hilarious. Many lulz ensues as they enter into the Matrix, I mean dream world.

Everyone’s pretty much immediately attacked by some dudes who are all like, “Hey! GTFO our dreams!” Saito gets clipped and it turns out that if any of them die in the dream they’ll go to Purgatory with nothing but aborted fetuses to keep them company. They’re all Catholics all of a sudden, I guess.

70-85 Minutes: They all interrogate Scarecrow and his buddy in compliance with the Geneva Conventions by playing their pop-punk album at them while they’re chained to a radiator. Cobb talks about his acid experiences with Natasha. Apparently one day she freaked out, thought she could fly, and jumped off a building in order to become a statistic used by the ONDCP. Cut back to the interrogation with gun fights and car chases and yet another dream…

86-97 Minutes: Cobb does a scene with Scarecrow in order to proliferate memes, which is kind of the main purpose of this movie. He also pretends to be Scarecrow’s anti-spyware software, pulling on his experience earlier selling it door to door. Then they both do a dine-n-dash from the hotel bar.

Cobb turns Scarecrow against his godfather who he’s known all his life just from a few lines of dialogue all while he he’s dreamin in his dream so he can dream while he dreams. This is like beating the mini-boss at the end of a board in video games, so they move on to the next level which takes place in a forced labor camp in Siberia.

98-114 Minutes: Back in the hotel, Christopher Nolan is going mad with power from the success of The Dark Knight and changes the laws of physics. He blames it all on the scene from earlier where they’re all taking a leisurely Sunday afternoon drive through the park, but that is a “false flag.” This scene is an “inside job!” WAKE UP, SHEEPLE.

Back in Siberia, everyone starts playing Call of Duty: Black Ops. But it’s one of those levels where you have to finish it within a certain amount of time and you never make it on the first try.

115-123 Minutes: As usual, they all fail to meet the time requirement for this level, so Ariadne plugs in a cheat code so they all go into God Mode, which is where Cobb plays Second Life when he’s feeling lonely and depressed. But Natasha shows up spouting some Post-Modernist bullshit about how there are multiple realities and it all just comes down to the subjective experience of the observer as she thinks it’s proved due to the double-slit experiment and quantum mechanics. She has been reading a lot of Deepak Chopra in this particular dream world.

The guy from Brick in the hotel and the others in Siberia continue playing video games.

124-132 Minutes: Cobb tells Natasha about how he totally punk’d her into committing suicide that one time and she STILL wants them to “be together.” It’s getting a little desperate and pathetic at this point, Natasha! Just get back to being a subconscious projection and plot device, please. Cobb verbally bitchslaps her and then Ariadne shoots her, because she’s fake and has no soul. Also, probably a witch.

Scarecrow finally gets around to stealing his dying father’s will in Siberia, and then the gang pwns him by blowing up his hospital. Soon everyone will be leaving The Matrix, I mean, the dream world, and back to reality.

133-140 Minutes: The meme worked. Scarecrow will destroy his father’s business with his anger. Cobb stayed in God Mode but accidentally hit restart and now must live through this whole movie again because it’s a recursive meme. That means that every time you watch this movie, Leonardo DiCaprio’s role is actually played by him each time and not just recorded. He has a terrible agent who signed a nightmarish contract. Cobb goes back to his maybe-home to frighten his maybe-children with his very real arrest warrant for murder. CREDITS.

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The Kids Are All Right

February 11, 2011

Originally posted at The BEAST.

OK, I have no idea what this movie is about, but I am very optimistic going in because they spelled “All right” using two words instead of one, so I won’t have to throw fits of rage about a spelling pet peeve right away. Also maybe that means it’s a dystopian sci-fi flick where everyone under 18 is a fascist.

These kids are all wrong.

First 8 Minutes: So there’s this suburban family where the kids snort meth while coordinating the Blitzkreig and the parents are these nice lesbians. They watch porn.

9-17 Minutes: Joni tracks down her biological father in order to extract more of his DNA for use in the massive eugenics program she plans on implementing when she rises to power. “It was either him or Glenn Beck,” she explains. His name is Paul and he immediately agrees to collaborate with her without even thinking about it because he is perpetually stoned.

When they talk, Joni realizes that he might be brain-damaged from a stroke, so she warns her brother Laser of this before they meet with him. They go out for lunch and Paul impresses them both by starting a jukebox without a quarter just by hitting it with his fist on the side… and it’s not even plugged in!

18-28 Minutes: Laser’s parents try to force him to confess that he’s gay, but his fundamentalist mindset won’t allow him to deal with it. Instead he sells out Paul and the moms plan to interrogate him. When he arrives, he gives Laser a Christian side hug, which is a sign of their Order.

29-40 Minutes: Paul uses his 50s greaser charm to recruit one of the moms to what he and the kids call “The Cause.” Jules will build a barbed wire fence around his property. This is the way children tend to run right wing pyramid schemes – each new recruit will enslave their own recruits, who will in turn be pressured to recruit even more people until the whole world is directly under the rule of the “kids.”

41-47 Minutes: Now that Paul has separated Jules from her support structure, he realizes that she is susceptible to indoctrination. He tells her that he doesn’t agree with her lifestyle choices, but that together they can help her overcome her human urges (which are a result of The Fall) and have her sins forgiven by Jesus, the One True Lord and Savior Besides Gary Busey. Since Busey is not in this movie, Jules takes her chances with this Jesus guy and try kissing a dude and reading James Dobson’s anti-gay literature. Paul is all like, “Whoa!”

48-58 Minutes: Jules sub-contracts her barbed wire fence work out to some random guy who doesn’t understand the political implications of what he’s getting into. That way her and Paul can bone while he labors. Then Laser wagers his leadership position in the neo-fascist pyramid scheme on a basketball game with Paul, who loses anyway so that scene is inconsequential.

59-66 Minutes: Everyone has dinner again for the fifth time today and Nic gets wasted and goes on an anti-hippy rant. At this point everyone in the family is united in their opposition to the rule of Nic and are being led by the charismatic leader Paul. Jules terminates her underling for looking at her the wrong way.

67-76 Minutes: Paul says he is falling in love with Jules even though she is a redhead with a lot of freckles and no soul. So he has to break up with his girlfriend, which is made all that much easier since she is not initiated. Everyone in the cult must separate all contact from the outside world under the rule of The Titular Kids.

Now Nic wants in on the cool kids’ group and tries out for a spot in the upper echelon by singing. Paul makes plans for everyone to move to Buenos Aires should things go badly for their side.

All hail Freyja!

77-82 Minutes: It turns out that Nic was just faking being nice so that she would be given a wide enough berth to snoop around Paul’s apartment in order to find incriminating evidence of wrongdoing. She finds it, and then starts having auditory hallucinations. Later she tells Jules that she knows what she’s up to and she tells the whole plan to Nic. Loose lips sink ships, Jules. All it takes is one blabblermouth and it blows everything.

83-90 Minutes: Paul suggests they move the entire operation to South America for Plan B, but nobody is really into it. It’s a good thing they didn’t too, because that might inject some excitement into this movie.

91-96 Minutes: Paul shows up again and apologizes for failing in his proselytizing. Nic tells him off by insulting him with a four-syllable word. Juli says that marriage is hard, and then breaks the fourth wall by staring at the camera and addressing the audience directly. She implores everyone to never get married because it sucks, which is all Dostoevsky’s fault. The rest of the family tells her that she’s not funny and to get off the stage.

97- Minutes: They all take off for Argentina in order to avoid being brought before an international tribunal. Joni is released at a college university and is now free to make boring movies of her own.

Similar:

The Social Network

February 8, 2011

Originally posted at The BEAST

Facebook is a social-networking website. You can sign up for it by logging into the world wide web and typing “http://www.facebook.com” into the address bar at the top. Remember, that’s facebook — all one word, all in lower-case letters. You will need a valid electronic mail “address” in order to create an “account,” which you can then use to stalk that girl who wouldn’t go to the dance with you in 8th grade because you were too “creepy” and “weird.” But now that you are a VERY SUCCESSFUL WRITER FOR THE INTERNET, she will doubtlessly throw herself at you and you can LAUGH and remind her of her cruelty as a 13 year old! It’s payback time! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Wait, what is this? A movie review? Whatever. OK, so this movie is about The Facesbooks. What follows is everything you need to know about this completely factual documentary.

First 5 Minutes: Zuckerberg is drunk in a bar and in the middle of a cocaine-fueled, xenophobic, anti-Chinese rant with some random girl. She refuses to fuck him next to the dumpster outside because he is too big of a nerd, so he walks back to his dorm alone and blueball’d.

5-8 Minutes: The actors have all forgotten their lines, so they walk around the Harvard campus in complete silence. One of the grip people improvise on piano with Trent Reznor. Fincher decided to use this footage during the opening credits as a prank.

8-15 Minutes: Zuckerberg gets back to his dorm and immediately goes on Omegle.com to start trolling 12 year olds. After his 15th beer, he decides to graduate to fapping on Chatroulette while wearing a Pedobear mask. Everyone is impressed by his mad pwning skillz. This sequence is interspliced with shots of a Freemason’s party where all attendees are required to recite an incantation to Jahbulon before they are allowed to do a keg stand.

15-18 Minutes: The admin applies /banhammer to Zuckerberg and his friends and then rounds him up for an IRL yelling session. That girl from The Office goes easy on him because she did well on Zuckerberg’s ripoff of hotornot.com.

18-24 Minutes: Introduce two stereotypical jocks who recruit Zuckerberg into their Secret Order. He swears a blood oath of loyalty to the Zacharias and Bradford von Preppytwin brothers.

25-33 Minutes: Zuckerberg decides to go undercover in the Secret Order in order to undermine it with the aid of his friend in a Jewish frat which is definitely not the Illuminati. They all listen to reggae and smoke weed together. This is all interspliced with some kind of legal proceedings where people in suits all poke Zuckerberg until he cries. Zacharias and Bradford has a sad about Zuckerberg ditching them all the time.

33-38 Minutes: The twins take out their frustration with Zuckerberg’s betrayal on their undergraduate sex slaves. Then marvel and thrill at the high-paced action of septegenerian attorneys sitting at a table with their clients taking a disposition. Zuckerberg decides that when he is a 33rd Degree Freemason, he will put signs on everyone which advertise their relationship status. But first he must launch Friendster, which he does.

39-44 Minutes: Twins realize that their Secret Order and all of their plans will be for naught. But they will not cut out Zuckerberg’s tongue, because he has already been initiated and that would displease their pagan gods. This is followed by more thrilling legal proceedings, which gives all of the paralegal clerks in the audience multiple orgasms.

45-50 Minutes: Bill Gates comes to Harvard to apologize for Windows Vista. Zuckerberg and his Illuminati partner pick up groupies and discuss how best to free the unwashed masses from the tyrannical power of the twins and their Secret Order. Ultimately they decide to do it by editing in a scene from the trailer at this point.

51-54 Minutes: Zuckerberg meets back up with the random girl at the bar from the beginning. He again asks for sex by the dumpster but she turns him down because he said mean things about her on the internet. In order to compensate for his shortcomings, he decides to expand the resistance to 3 chapters in Connecticut, New York, and California.

55-60 Minutes: The girl from The Office: “This must be hard” is what she said. Some other stuff happened, but I wasn’t really paying attention, something about Limewire.

61-66 Minutes: Twins meet with Larry Summers to try to convince him to let them get some of that TARP cash money. Summers refuses on the grounds that although they are big, they are not quite too big to fail. Then there are more legal proceedings. 97% of this movie has so far been made up of people sitting in chairs around a table in a room, talking. Truly this makes it worthy of 8 Oscar nominations.

67-71 Minutes: Mark and Eduardo meet up with the bass player from Metallica. This scene involves sitting around a table, but the talking is muted about by Trent Reznor’s jam sessions. Eventually the bassist shares his conspiracy theories about how the CIA is reading his mind and only his special aluminum foil hat can stop them.

72-76 Minutes: Back at the room with the table and the chairs and the talking, PETA accuses Eduardo of sacrificing chickens to his pagan gods and smearing an eerie logo which is the symbol of his order using their blood in the Harvard cafeteria.

77-84 Minutes: Next they hold some kind of hacking competition where the slowest worker is hanged and the fastest one is offered an exciting new life in forced labor. Everyone is very excited about this for some reason, so some of them move to California. Now instead of sitting around tables in brightly lit rooms, they are sitting around a table and talking at a rave party. They are going to start getting drunk, but then it cuts away because any fun in this movie would be too exciting and entertaining.

85-89 Minutes:

The twins lose at some sport or something. They didn’t score enough points for their squadron to get the trophy. So in their rage they decide to disembowel Mark – legally, of course, by forcing him to sit in a chair around a table while talking. I’m at the edge of my seat nearly in a coma in anticipation of how this turns out!

90-102 Minutes: It looks like the Metallica bassist is replacing Eduardo, judging from the seating arrangements of the meetings, which are unbelievably still going on. Meanwhile, Eduardo’s girlfriend starts a fire and causes too much excitement, which means they will both be banished from the script.

103-115 Minutes: Eduardo starts yelling around a table instead of just talking which is a terrible breach of contract for this movie. He also moves things. Obviously, security is called to escort him off set. The meta part of this movie ends, and even more lawyering ensues. Movie ends with Mark trolling the random bar girl.

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Winter’s Bone

February 3, 2011

Originally posted at the BEAST.

"Movie, I'm going to have to ask you to pick up the pace already."

I am looking forward to summarizing this because I have never seen Inuit porn before. Rule #34 is in effect.

First 5 Minutes: Some survivalist woman named Ree is raising her two kids way out in the sticks somewhere. They go to a school which has been invaded by a local militia.

6-10 Minutes: The police arrive to stop the movie immediately since it is already way above the FCC’s prescribed maximum tedium levels. As punishment, he forces Ree to go find her father’s fortified compound in the woods or else she will lose the future.

11-15 Minutes: Meals on wheels arrives, which means it is time to teach the kids how to make “deer stew.” The next day, Ree tells one of her survivalist friends of her troubles and asks for some ammunition for her upcoming adventure but the local militia commander refuses her request due to an error in the paperwork.

Fugitive father-finding requests need to be filled out in triplicate, people!

16-19 Minutes: Basically the same thing happens again, but this time with weed and long walks in depressing settings. I guess this makes it more realistic because this is the Ozarks and they don’t have civilization or anything there.

20-24 Minutes: Ree arrives at Little Arthur’s and the same thing happens AGAIN. Protip for screenwriters: killing off Red Shirts is a much more effective way to elevate tension than stonewalling.

24-8 Minutes: The next house she walks to is also some of their inbred cousins. Ree organizes a sit-down strike, but since she’s the only one striking (Ree is not a very good organizer) it only lasts a few minutes before she bends the will of management and goes home. Once there, she is immediately kidnapped by a bearded used truck salesman.

29-32 Minutes: The truck salesman tells Ree that her father died in a bizarre gardening accident, and shows here the scene of the explosion to prove it – which, I might add was only like 2 miles down the road from her house. She probably passed it a few times on one of her many recent walks and could have saved herself and her “kin” a lot of trouble if she had bothered to just put the pieces together herself.

The audience is thrilled to see how the next walk will turn out.

33-6 Minutes: Ree doesn’t believe the hype, and then turns down an offer from the used truck salesman to steal the children and indoctrinate them in accordance with his customs. Instead she instructs them on the finer points of killing ATF agents. Then Ree’s friend comes over with a stolen truck so it’s time for a road trip. They pack Twizzlers.

37-41 Minutes: Their first stop is at a jam band session where one of the groupies gives them a lead on how to… Wait, what were they doing, again? Whatever, she soon goes back home and tortures some squirrels with the kids.

42-47 Minutes: Ree says no to both selling her land and to drugs, stares at her shoes, and asks the Log Lady from Twin Peaks for help. But the log won’t speak to her.

48-52 Minutes: A bounty hunter shows up to try to rev some life into the movie, asking Ree to maybe please just the one time kill her father. Ree decides to instead go to a slaughterhouse and deliver a sermon on behalf of PETA, but nobody can hear her because the cows moo too loudly.

53-58 Minutes: The Log Lady and her friends take Ree into a garage for some enhanced interrogation, redneck-style. One of the militia leaders from earlier (Teardrop) shows up to negotiate her release. They allow this on the condition that they both refrain from ending any word they speak with the letter G.

59-65 Minutes: Ree recovers from her enhanced interrogations and starts popping pills. She has a drug-induced dream about squirrels learning to use chainsaws and overthrowing their human masters, as hillbillies often do. We are now one hour into the movie and have yet to see this Dad / Jessup character who’s apparently very important to the plot.

66-71 Minutes: Ree tries to defect from her local militia to the federal government’s but they reject her because she is only 17 and cannot legally yet be contracted for any Inuit porn, which I’m sure is about to happen ANY MINUTE NOW. Teardrop takes Ree to a bar so she can stare at it while he drinks inside. Then he buys some weed from the mountain man version of Jay and Silent Bob and then re-enacts his favorite scene from The Big Lebowski.

72-76 Minutes: Another road trip, this time with Teardrop, is interrupted by the fuzz. It turns out that it was just the friendly neighborhood sheriff from the beginning, just checking in to make sure everyone in the car was armed with loaded rifles in compliance with the Americans Killin’ stuff Act of 2014, signed into law by President Mike Huckabee. Jessup is dead, maybe, or something, so I guess the movie will be ending very soon, if there’s a merciful and forgiving God, that is.

77-81 Minutes: Lots of incoherent mumbling, then some nice old ladies come by and offer to show Ree her father’s bones. The exciting climax of this movie is going to be a day in the life of the Dead Animals Department of a rural town’s Highway Agency. EXCITING!

82-89 Minutes: A walk and a canoe ride later, a group of women ask Ree if she wants to see a dead body. She does, so they take her to where they left Jessup’s corpse, which is in the impromptu underwater tomb where they worship him as a deity. Then they chop off one of his limbs so Ree can feed it to her little brother and sister.

90-95 Minutes: The bounty hunter returns to pay Ree for the human flesh she provided. Teardrop rocks out on the banjo and decides to follow Phish on tour. One of the kids tries to jam on banjo but she sucks. CREDITS

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Toy Story 3

January 26, 2011

I’ve decided to give myself this project of writing up these timestamped reviews of movies nominated for best picture for the Oscars. This way readers can talk about them at parties without having to actually watch them. They are all guaranteed to be 100% accurate, so don’t bother fact-checking or anything. Think of these as Cliff’s Notes, except they’re for people with a fear of movies instead of the illiterate. You can trust me.

0-5 Minutes:

A train is transporting people across the desert to the nearest concentration camp. But it’s been hijacked by a man with an inoperable tumor on his gargantuan head, and Tom Hanks is trying to thwart his plot so the gypsies can be exterminated on schedule. A fight ensues, the gypsies are frightened, but they’re all saved at the last minute by Wernher von Braun. This is all going to turn out to be someone’s dream or something.

OK, it was a flashback. Close enough. When he was a child, Andy used to summon the power of his dark Lord Satan in order to bring his inanimate toys to life. In exchange, the devil took the lives of 6 of Andy’s unborn brothers and sisters, prompting his parents to see a fertility doctor to find out what was going on with all these miscarriages. They received no explanation.

Cut to a montage of Andy growing up with crippling agoraphobia with his “toys” as his only companions. As he went through adolescence, he developed persecutional delusions in which his toys were secretly conspiring against him. And so he locked them up in a box indefinitely without charges.

Andy’s fears, though the product of a damaged and paranoid mind, were of course well-founded. The toys really were plotting Andy’s demise. Fortunately they are awful at being terrorists and the plan to kill him with a cell phone-activated IED failed.

5-17 Minutes:

Tom Hanks in Toy Story 3

Tom Hanks is going by the pseudonym Woody. He is the Muqtada al-Sadr of the toy insurgency and announces that soon Andy will implement a prisoner transfer from Block one-one-three-eight. Andy’s mom botches the transfer and puts all the toys but Woody before a firing squad. Woody accidentally rescues them at the last minute while dumpster diving for used coffee filters.

18-21 Minutes:

Woody is a staunch reactionary who fears change. He tries to rile up the insurgents for one last terrorist attack, but nobody really has it in them anymore. Andy’s mom continues the prisoner exchange.

21-31 Minutes:

Andy’s mom brings them to a free love commune in the middle of a rave party. Lotso is the big pimp who will get you “anything at all.” He also preaches on the subjects of eternal salvation in exchange for loyalty to the Sunshine Day Care Commune and their anti-authoritarian ethos.

Due to his right-wing views on private property, Woody decides to ditch Lotso’s commune to go to college with Andy in order to help him show vulnerable female art majors that he’s in touch with his childhood and sensitive and shit. He hitches a ride with yet another garbage reciptical, this one pushed by some Mr Magoo looking motherfucker. Dude loves to hump him some trash. After he escapes, he’s kidnapped by a rival faction of the insurgency.

32-40 Minutes:

Back at the commune, the gang discovers the forced labor part of their daily routine. They are beaten mercilessly, and Lotso hangs the slowest worker at the end of every workday (weekends off). They petition the toy leadership for a redress of grievances, but von Braun goes rogue and tries to install wiretaps without a warrant in the leadership council’s private money laundering headquarters. He is discovered like the Watergate criminal he is.

40-46 Minutes:

Lotso steps in on Buzz’s enhanced interrogation and brainwashes him. It turns out that Mrs. Potato Head is a Remote Viewer and she experiences seeing Andy back at their old home. She finds that Andy really does love them, and that the only path to salvation is through His Divine Light. But since she and the others did not believe until they had seen, Lotso declared them all not blessed. Buzz is now in the Black Sleep of the Kali Ma, and he keeps the dissidents under 24 hour suicide watch.

47-53 Minutes:

Barbie disapproves of Ken’s role in Lotso’s Stalinist purges. Lotso explains that the newcomers must withstand a prolonged hazing period and that only with seniority will they rise through the ranks into the Butterfly Room. More force labor and torture is implied.

Meanwhile, Woody finds out how to get back to his personal lord and savior Andy on 4chan. Before leaving, Woody’s new friends do a LOST-style flashback to Lotso’s dark and sordid past, from before he rose to power at Sunnyside.

54-75 Minutes:

Woody is recruited by the CIA and goes on a covert operation to go to Sunnyside and terminate the command of Lotso with extreme prejudice. Together the insurgents carry out a tedious and uninspired plan to reverse Buzz’s brainwashing and escape from the compound. Eventually Darth Vader throws Emperor Lotso into the garbage.

76-87 Minutes:

More dumpster diving / trash humping, followed by what is supposed to be – I’m guessing, judging from the sappy music – an emotional ‘goodbye’ scene.

88-93 Minutes:

Andy violates his court orders to stay away from small children in order to scare a little girl named Bonnie with his demonic “toys.” They both share a little bit of psychotic delusion time together anthropomorphizing small pieces of plastic. Bonnie guilt-trips Andy into giving her the cowboy toy he wanted to keep for himself. Of course, Bonnie will later grow up to be a high-powered Hollywood agent.

THE END

I am very surprised that this was marketed as a children’s story, considering its extremely dark and disturbing subject matter. Shame on Pixar. Will nobody think of the children?

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Machete

September 6, 2010

BEAST Film Review

by Jan Brewer the movie reviewer

brewer2

Hello, my name is Jan Brewer…

… I’m the elected governor of Arizona. Ummmm…

I have seen a very disturbing film recently which the public needs to know about. And I need to yell at you about it without getting any follow-up questions from the media. Josh told me I could do that on The BEAST for $20, and that’s why I’m posting my thoughts on this film here and not at an open press conference.

The film I saw was a documentary about the Messicans called Machete. It exposes the truth about the violence on our Southern border. Especially the beheadings. I’ve learned that most illegal immigrants behead Americans while in close quarters, and they usually do it with a machete, which is why the movie is called Machete.

Stupid unions.

Another important thing we learn from this movie is that we need to start monitoring VOIP calls. It turns out that many Messicans, such as Steven Seagal, like to make death threats and kill people while on the Skype. So we can listen in on the Skype and catch lots and lots of drug dealing kidnappers just by scanning through different internet calls and listening for creepy laughter. We’ll just make sure to not have any federal funding to pursue this method of law enforcement. OK, maybe a little bit of federal funding. OK, a LOT.

Hospitals are actually a secret communist conspiracy to help illegal immigrants kidnap Lindsay Lohan so that they can dress her up as a liberation theology nun and then use the intestinal tracts of real Americans as bungee cords. That’s another true fact I learned from this groundbreaking documentary. Has my enemy Terry Goddard ever gone to a hospital? Probably!

All of the bad guys in this film look kinda… you know, suspicious. And that just proves how useful SB 1070 will be after we I finish suing President Imam Barack Hussein NOBAMACARE for appointing judges. Or something.

I’m not doing any more movie reviews ever. It’s an unfair medium for me to spread my message. SO THERE. Please follow me on the Twitter, thanks.

Mr. Plinkett attacks JJ Abrams’ Star Trek

September 2, 2010

I actually liked this film, although the time travel / alternative timeline bit was a pretty clichéd cop-out.I haven’t watched this review yet, but I’m sure it’ll give me lots of reasons for hating my former self for liking the 09 Star Trek film.

Embedding blip.tv is all messed up on WordPress, so here is part 1.

And here is part 2.

Best movie reviewer ever

April 7, 2010

The guy who did that 70 minute review of The Phantom Menace just released his 90 minute assault on Attack of the Clones. It takes almost as long as the movies’ durations themselves in order to describe (mostly) everything wrong with them. Here’s the first part:

District 9

March 1, 2010

I’ve decided to give myself this project of writing up these timestamped reviews of movies nominated for best picture for the Oscars. This way readers can talk about them at parties without having to actually watch them. They are all guaranteed to be 100% accurate, so don’t bother fact-checking or anything. Think of these as Cliff’s Notes, except they’re for people with a fear of movies instead of the illiterate. You can trust me.

District 9

  • Minute 1: Oh, OK, so this is basically like The Office plus aliens.
  • Minute 2: So now it’s The Office plus redneck aliens. Didn’t Peter Jackson already do a movie about redneck aliens? I think he did.
  • Minute 5: The aliens are living in a concentration camp in Johannesburg.
  • Minute 7: Steve Carrell is coordinating the relocation of the aliens on a trail of tears to Oklahoma, or as they call it in their language, “maize.” His hot wife is proud of him.
  • Minute 12: Not much happening, they’re running around aliens while operating military stuff. How did they learn English so quickly?
  • Minute 14: The aliens are addicted to some kind of heroin stored in cat food.
  • Minute 17: The Steve Carrell guy firebombs an abortion clinic for Jesus and then gets puked on.
  • Minute 20: The aliens are making methamphetamine from garbage.
  • Minute 22: The aliens are busted for making methamphetamine from garbage. Wikus gets sprayed with more alien shit.
  • Minute 24: FIGHT! One of the meth dealers gets ‘capped’ while the other runs away.
  • Minute 27: The surviving meth dealing alien starts a sitdown demo to protest the mass eviction.
  • Minute 29: Wikus is all fucked up puking and bleeding black shit out of his nose. I didn’t even make that part up.
  • Minute 32: Nigerians are now The Man keeping the alien brothas down by eating their hearts after killing them in drug deals.
  • Minute 35: Wikus pukes again. He’s all junk sick at his party and is sent to rehab where his hand goes all alien-y.
  • Minute 36: The military is forcing Wikus to get a sex change operation in secret. But how did the documentary filmmakers get into the restricted area?
  • Minute 40: OK they’re making him shoot aliens with his new creepy hand. I find it difficult to believe that any military is so desperate for weapons that they need to use mutants to operate alien tech.
  • Minute 42: Wikus gets all SexCrazy and RetardStrong and escapes because he knows the vaccines they wanted to give him would make him autistic.
  • Minute 45: The news is reporting, “Wikus was the first motherfucker to see a new galaxy, or find a new alien life form… and fuck it. Now people are, like, ‘There he goes; homeboy fucked a Martian once.’”
  • Minute 47: Oh, I get it! Wikus is part-ALIEN and he’s hiding from the government in South friggin Africa. Old topical content is old.

  • Minute 49: I think he’s hit rock bottom now, eating catfood he bought on the black market straight from the can by hand outside of a garbage heap. Now his wife left him because of the sex change operation.
  • Minute 52: Inspired by Bob Flanagan, Wikus gets into self-mutilation. How is the film crew still with him? This is supposed to be a documentary. Or mockumentary. Or something.
  • Minute 53: Wikus meets up with the surviving meth dealing alien. Up until this point the movie has been building up to a turn into a dual cop comedy except the cops are both renegades who don’t play by the rules.
  • Minute 57: OMG WE CAN’T TEAM UP TO STORM THE SECURITY STATION AND GET THE FUEL BACK ITS A SUICIDE MISSION AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!! OK, let’s go, I guess. Just give me a minute to get all emo and talk to my wife.
  • Minute 62: Hello there Mr. Gangster Sir, I’d like to buy some weapons plz. This will go well.
  • Minute 65:Wikus = Frank Booth “Don’t fucking look at me!”, Nigerian gangsta = Bill O’Reilly “I’m coming for you!”
  • Minute 66: EPIC BATTLE111 Remember kids, always bring your film crew with you while storming an international peacekeeping HQ with alien weapons and your goofy alien sidekick.
  • Minute 76: Bunch of explosions and crap.
  • Minute 78: Wikus is arrested for fucking Martians again, then captured by Nigerian cannibals. “Hey man, be cool, just gimme your arm.”
  • Minute 81: Guys shooting guns, blah blah blah.
  • Minute 83: The goofy alien sidekick uses one of Obama’s predator drones to save Wikus.
  • Minute 86: Wikus saves the goofy alien sidekick from enhanced interrogation using the predator drone.<
  • Minute 91: Sidekick escapes, Wikus decides he’d really rather just hang back and kill some humans instead of change back into one.
  • Minute 96: Black bloc of aliens help Wikus not get killed, he lives happily ever after in the garbage heap. The end.

Similar:

Up

February 15, 2010

I’ve decided to give myself this project of writing up these timestamped reviews of movies nominated for best picture for the Oscars. This way readers can talk about them at parties without having to actually watch them. They are all guaranteed to be 100% accurate, so don’t bother fact-checking or anything. Think of these as Cliff’s Notes, except they’re for people with a fear of movies instead of the illiterate. You can trust me.

Up

  • Minute 1: Charles Muntz is a cryptozoologist featured in an old timey news reel.
  • Minute 2: Skeptics at National Geographic conspire to force Muntz into exile. The INS deports him to live with his cryptids.
  • Minute 4: Brainwashed child follower of Muntz meets a fellow cultist of the same age in his neighborhood. They are both wearing helmets.
  • Minute 5: The human (?) female is named Ellie, and she forces the unnamed human (?) male to jump off a bombed out roof. His helmet protects him from much further brain damage.
  • Minute 6: Fueled by the delirium induced by his mild concussion, the humanish male plots to hijack the Goodyear blimp so that they can both join FARC in Colombia and grow old together after saving up enough money for a comfortable retirement with lots of henchmen. They will raise funds by working as drug mules.
  • Minute 7: The two are married in the traditional rituals of the Muntzian Church of Inner Healing & Cryptozoology.
  • Minute 11: Montage through their life together. Male’s name reveled as Carl. They grow old together but never make it to Colombia. Carl mercy kills Ellie in the hospital like RP McMurphy.
  • Minute 15: Carl refuses to evacuate his house.
  • Minute 17: Boy named Russell teams up with Carl, who assigns him to a lengthy sentence in his S&M dungeon.
  • Minute 18: Carl beats the fuck out of a developer, loses his house.
  • Minute 22: Carl levitates his house using The Power Of Positive Thinking.
  • Minute 24: It turns out Russell was fapping in the S&M dungeon during liftoff and was too stupid to leave. He is now a stowaway.
  • Minute 30: Carl tries to ditch Russell in the Andes so that he can be eaten by a Uruguayan rugby team.
  • Minute 34: They both get stranded due to Carl’s inadequacy, but are near the FARC rendezvou. Russell’s term as an indentured servant is extended.
  • Minute 38: Russell discovers Charles Muntz’s cryptid by feeding it his own shit. Cryptid = Kevin.
  • Minute 40: Ellie apparently tells Russell that he can keep Kevin. I should’ve mentioned earlier that all throughout this time Carl has been talking to his wife as if he didn’t murder her back at the hospital many years ago. He has entered a deep state of denial about his deplorable actions, and now Russell has joined in on Carl’s delusion.
  • Minute 41: The two graduate from talking to dead people to talking to dogs. Dog = Doug. Get it? It’s like Dog, but with just an extra letter. Ha ha ha!
  • Minute 44: Doug is an outcast from the antagonist dogs owned by disgraced cryptozoologist Charles Muntz.
  • Minute 46: The demons in Carl’s head tell him to ditch Kevin and Doug, so he does. They both catch up.
  • Minute 49: In a fit of blind rage, Russell forces Carl to take a blood oath of loyalty to Kevin. As a lifelong Muntz devotee, Carl is obligated to do so.
  • Minute 52: Evil dogs capture the group and take them on a death march to Muntz’s lair.
  • Minute 55: Muntz welcomes them as guests when he realizes Carl is a card-carrying devotee and a regular tither to his cult.
  • Minute 57: They all eat dinner, but Russell is upset at having to execute the monkey with a mallet before eating its chilled brains.
  • Minute 60: Muntz shows Carl the disembodied heads of other cultists who had visited him. He flies into a fit of rage, and Carl barely escapes alive. This movie is actually a lot like Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, except without all that racism and misogyny. Also, Indiana Jones is a senile old man who talks to dead people and Mola Ram is a cryptozoologist.
  • Minute 62: Totally plausible chase scene of a giant flightless bird carrying a house while outrunning a pack of dogs.
  • Minute 67: Muntz has used the technology given to him by the aliens to capture Kevin and begins his scorched earth policy.
  • Minute 70: Carl has made it to where he will meet up with FARC, but his crew is demoralized and Russell tries to escape his indentured servitude.
  • Minute 75: Carl “re-launches his house,” as the kids on the street are calling it these days, in order to stop Russell from licking poison ivy and possibly save the cryptid Kevin at the same time.  Doug was caught in Carl’s S&M dungeon and re-joins the collective. All of the protagonists in this story are now RetardStrong.
  • Minute 77: Charles captures Russell and tries to kill him. He then becomes paranoid and starts hallucinating.
  • Minute: 79: Carl begins one of his side missions for the Animal Liberation Front, saving Russell from death by stupidity in the process. Russell becomes seriously despressed and attempts suicide.
  • Minute 81: EPIC BATTLE
  • Minute 85: Carl murders Charles in cold blood and then laughs about it maniacally.
  • Minute 87: The cryptid is allowed to live out the rest of his life without being used as positive evidence for the cryptozoologists.
  • Minute 88: Carl bribes Russell to keep his FUCKING MOUTH SHUT about that senseless murder he just witnessed.

Overall, this is a very disturbing movie and I’m sure the Academy is recognizing this as a strange new direction for Disney to be taking.

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Sherlock Holmes

January 7, 2010

This was a good movie and you should go watch it. I wasn’t able to find any good torrents (hint for commenters), so I think you’d really need to actually go to the theater and pay money, unfortunately.

That’s the short version. The longer one has spoilers. So here goes.

Guy Ritchie uses a lot of the his trademark directorial tricks here, which fit well since this is still basically a crime story even though it’s set in the late 19th century instead of the present. So that kind of stuff translates well here.

Overall the movie’s plot does a good job at popularizing a critical approach to claims of the supernatural, but there are still a few problematic areas. While watching the movie, I was pretty sure that Ritchie wasn’t going to invoke actual magic in order to create a mystery, but it still bothered me that Watson had somehow missed something by declaring the antagonist dead early in the film. There had to be some way around that, maybe something similar to what happened with the Carlos hoax.

But instead, it turns out that Holmes figured out that it was done with some kind of herb or something from Asia. That’s fine and all, except that there’s no reason why Holmes should know about this and Watson would not. Watson’s a doctor, and supposedly his powers of deduction are second only to Holmes’; plus he was in the military and had traveled extensively. He should know about this kind of stuff and have some kind of test to see if it’s being used. It doesn’t quite fit, and that particular loose end was tied up in a sloppy way, in my opinion.

Really though, the fact that that’s my biggest complaint is more a testament to how well it was done. So go see it.

Avatarded

December 21, 2009

From what I’d read of the reviews of Avatar I really don’t have much to add. The aesthetics are very cool and make it worth going to see on its own. I was worried at first because the first 3D preview they showed just used basically flat background/foreground “3D” instead of the spectrum of depth as it’s supposed to be.

But it wasn’t that at all for Avatar. In general, the 3D effects were more subtle and didn’t really rely on that “Holy shit, it’s coming right at us!” thing.

MY SKIN IS BLUE YOUR ARGUMENT IS INVALID

What I don’t understand about this movie is this: If you’re going to spend years and years and hundreds of millions of dollars on a movie, why would you cut corners by writing such horrible lines? It was actually kind of embarassing to be sitting there watching them deliver some of them – like “I can see you” and stupid crap like that.

You know what it was like? It was like they didn’t even really write a script. Instead, they described the plot to a sarcastic guy and used his tongue-in-cheek notes as the script. That’s how corny it can get. And sitting there in the theater wondering if even a four year old could get swept up in the moment by the painfully stupid “HALLO, I ARE ONE OF YOU AND WE MUST FITE NAO!!11″ speech, you kind of have to wonder if you’ve become one of those mildly retarded adults who read children’s books in order to be able to say that they’re “literate.”

The embarrassment of watching the plot unfold wasn’t even the worst part of the bad writing, though. The worst part of that was that you knew that there was not even a possibility of an unhappy ending. So you know for sure how this movie is going to end from the first few minutes. I’m not going to insist that every movie I see end up with all of the characters getting killed and cannibalized – at least, not anymore – but you really can’t have any suspense at all without there being at least a chance. That’s all I got for this. Go see it or don’t.

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