Killing dogs for God in South Carolina

So in South Carolina, this kid brought his devil-worshipping dog to his aunt’s house, where she then did the responsible thing and made sure it couldn’t harm any children. At least that’s one way of putting it.

Another way of putting it would be that some crazy lady tortured and killed her nephew’s dog because it chewed on her Bible. From CBS:

A Spartanburg County woman has been charged with felony animal cruelty, accused of hanging her nephew’s pit bull with an electrical cord and burning its body after the dog chewed on her Bible, authorities said Monday.
When questioned by police and animal control officers, Miriam Smith told them the female dog named “Diamond” was a “devil dog” and she feared it might harm neighborhood children…

In case you were wondering, the article does have a picture of what a chewed up Bible might look like. And you should know that this is not the actress Miriam Smith who appeared in films like Capote and television shows like The X Files. I’m sure she would never do such a thing.

But this Miriam Smith apparently would and did. She called the pet a “devil dog.” I would bet that she used “devil” as an adjective a lot. And the problem is that nobody ever questioned her on it. She’d make some offhand comment about how this dog or that cat or the palmetto tree over there is possessed by the devil, and nobody would say something like,”Hey, what the hell are you talking about? You don’t seriously believe in demon possessions, do you?” Or, if they did, she just shrugged them off as just another demonic possession to be hanged and burned later.

But just maybe if enough people did respond that way instead of “respecting her beliefs” and saying nothing, as if it’s normal to believe in devils and demons in 2011 (and yes I do see the irony in referring to a Jesus-based dating system), then maybe Miriam Smith would’ve felt just a little bit less comfortable with the idea that her beliefs were acceptable, and tragedies like these could be avoided.

Alvin Greene updates!

We all know that the Democratic nominee for US Senate from South Carolina Alvin Greene is a lover of music. But can he dance?

Oh yes. Yes, he can.

It’s not on the YouTube, but the radio deejay claims that Greene dances like “a white guy at a wedding.” This is a totally unfair judgment. It’s almost as unfair as when the South Carolina judicial system unfairly indicted him of obscenity, which then made Greene howl and wail at reporters like a werewolf which was just shot with a silver bullet.

And about a week ago, Greene was doing some politicking at Jimmy’s Restaurant in Seneca, SC. He had been dis-invited to a speaking engagement there due to his recent legal problems, but Greene was all like Fuck that, I’m going anyway. And he brought his crew along with him, one of whom is called Dottie Sue Maggart-Feldman.

Dottie Sue apparently thought that the county party chairwoman was “out to get her,” and then shit got real. The conflict escalated, and in the end the police had to ask candidate Greene to please leave the restaurant.

My theory is that now that Greene knows that the political establishment is out to get him and is willing to press false charges against him, all bets are now off. Blood will be shed. Restaurants will be disrupted. And he’s got someone named Dottie Sue on his side.

Alvin Greene has a music video

Oh shit, yo! This hot new jam from Alvin Greene is off the hook! It just dropped yesterday when it flew onto the YouTube in a DeLorean DMC-12 from the early 1980s.

Although the esteemed candidate endorsed it on The Twitter, it’s very unlikely that he had anything to do with either the writing or production. For one he’s probably a busy guy right now, if only from media appearances. And secondly, he doesn’t seem to get the humorous appeal of his campaign at all, so the self-depreciating humor doesn’t fit with his style.

In case you can’t make out the auto-tuned parts and really want to sing along (you know you do), here are all of the dope rhymes:

When I say “Alvin,” you say “Greene.”
Alvin! Greene! Alvin! Greene!
When I say “Alvin,” you say “Greene.”
Alvin Greene for Senator!

Listen up everybody, ’cause I’m here to say
If you’re tired of the government you have today
And you wanna big change in a major way
Then vote Alvin Greene on Election Day!

Jobs! Education! Justice, too!
My man Al knows what’s best for you
So come together party people, both red and blue
And don’t believe the rumors that are just not true.

Well, Greene’s a new face in politics,
And he don’t show porno to college chicks.
But he’s got some ideas that’ll fix the state,
So open up your minds and stop the hate.

Time to dig down deep in your wallet or purse.
It can only get better and it can’t get worse.
Shake up DC, sat in the church,
And put me, you and Alvin Greene back to work!

Well, let’s talk about the issues one time -
Makin’ sure the punishment fits the crime!
And if you don’t think that’s cool enough -
He’s gonna give lots of money to the schools and stuff!

Real family values those are rad –
He loves family and lives with his mom and dad!
November’s coming, it’s time to choose -
And Jim DeMint should be ready to lose!

Alvin Greene, is on the scene.
Gotta get out and vote, if you know what I mean.
Alvin Greene is the one for you.
He knows how you feel ’cause he’s unemployed, too.

Alvin Greene is the natural choice.
Don’t listen to the folks that make fun of his voice.
Alvin Greene, his campaign’s legit,
And you know this great nation will benefit!

Alvin Greene will create an action figure army to destroy Grouchy Smurf

Running very close to Sharron Angle to take the lead in the Craziest 2010  Challenger Competition is Alvin Greene. If you haven’t heard, he is an unemployed veteran who somehow won the Democratic Party’s South Carolina US Senate primary over the favored Vic Rawl about a month ago without even really campaigning. Now he is facing Jim DeMint, who is also pretty crazy but in a much more frightening way, if only because his views on things like abortion, immigration, and teacher-led prayer in public schools can carry some weight within the lucrative ‘dipshit’ voter’s bloc.

Unfortunately he has been reluctant to talk to the press. Alvin Greene’s a different kind of crazy, and this is why I support him. It’s pretty rare that I’ll vote for or support someone from the major parties, but I’ll have to make an exception in this case for entertainment purposes. Lately, the only novel kind of psychosis we’ve been getting out of our national politicians only appears to be new and exciting to most of us because it has been out of the spotlight for so long. Rand Paul and Sharron Angle and people like that are merely reviving this kind of John Birch Society style of paranoia which most of us didn’t experience firsthand the first time around. But again, Greene’s got the advantage here. From the Guardian:

“Another thing we can do for jobs is make toys of me, especially for the holidays. Little dolls. Me. Like maybe little action dolls. Me in an army uniform, air force uniform, and me in my suit. They can make toys of me and my vehicle, especially for the holidays and Christmas for the kids. That’s something that would create jobs. So you see I think out of the box like that. It’s not something a typical person would bring up. That’s something that could happen, that makes sense. It’s not a joke.”

At first I kind of thought that maybe this guy has some mental problems and this is why he says these things. But the fact that he feels like he needs to say that it’s not a joke kind of makes me wonder. Is he trolling the South Carolina US Senate elections? Because that. Would be. AWESOME.

On the other hand, maybe he felt he needed to clarify because the Guardian reporter involuntarily started pointing and laughing at the candidate, as any normal person would.

I would like to see Alvin Greene in a toy factory wearing an unnecessary hardhat and safety glasses, watching hundreds – no THOUSANDS – of action figures bearing his likeness being manufactured on the assembly line. And I want to see it in a campaign ad on television. That. Would. Be. AWESOME.

Come on, South Carolinians. Together we can make this happen. The world will be much stranger and therefore better for it. More recently, Greene talked to AOLNews (I know, right? AOL still exists, it’s weird). Here’s a bit of a transcribed interview, left without comment:

If you were teaching an English class, what books would be required reading? How about “Journey to Justice,” Johnnie Cochran; “Bad as I Wanna Be” — Dennis Rodman wrote that one; and “Moonwalker,” Michael Jackson.

If you could punch one famous person, who would it be? Grouchy Smurf. Hahahaha.

What do you see?

Here:

And here:

Do you still not see it? Really? It’s right there, plain as day! Maybe if it’s outlined, that will help:

You still don’t see it?

Yeah, me neither.

This is supposed to be another one of Jesus’ wacky tricks. First he was carving himself onto the Martian surface, and now he’s appearing in a Bishopville, SC preacher’s curtains. That Jesus, always messing with us in ways that just happen to look exactly like crazy people acting crazily.

“Something told me to look in the kitchen and I sat and I looked in the kitchen. I looked at the window, and that’s when I see this image focused on my curtain.”

-Barbara Brame, deranged minister

“Something” told her to look into the kitchen? Maybe it was… SATAN! Well, why not?

See, usually when people say that they hear voices telling them to do something and they see patterns where none exist, we call that schizophrenia. But all you have to do is throw Jesus or Mohammed in there somewhere, and suddenly you go from being a mental institution’s newest inpatient to being soft “news.” Brame will continue to be a pillar of the community there in Bishopville.