Stupid theme park management is stupid, even by those standards.

I think I’ve been somehow sent back in time to the 12th century, except it’s in a different possible past since this one appears to have things like working computers which erroneously report the current year as 2009. It can’t possibly be 2009, because of this:

“SPOOKED bosses at a theme park have suspended six members of staff and called in an exorcist after a late night seance on their top horror ride sparked a string of ghostly happenings.”

It’s like a Monty Python skit. OH NO YOU EVIL ONES HAVE SUMMONED SPIRITS ONTO THIS PLACE, BEGONE YE, THOU ART BANISHED WITHOUT PAY. QUICKLY, FETCH THE EXORCIST SO THAT WE MIGHT ONCE AGAIN KNOW PEACE.

Here’s some of the alleged evidence collected by those fine journalistic minds at the Sun:

“Lights started to go on and off with no explanation”

Do lights going on and off ever explain themselves? Am I missing something?

OK, that was pretty lame, but seriously – “no explanation?” They might not know with absolute certainty, but surely there are explanations. Someone could be playing a prank. Or it could be that sometimes shit just happens. How’s that for an explanation? Nothing works perfectly, including lights. And in a scary place like Thorpe Park (you can tell it’s scary because the picture in this article has a guy in a mask apparently about to attack the photographer, and they used some green tint on it), it’s not surprising that people would make more of this sort of fuss about an electrical issue than in, say, an office workplace.

That quote above is attributed to “a Thorpe park insider.” They must protect this crucial informant’s identity. I don’t blame them, really. If it’s one of those suspended workers, their drooling, knuckle-dragging bosses might lock them up in the stockades.

I wish it ended there. But it doesn’t. Oh, the stupids, it burns so very badly:

“Thorpe Park in Surrey has now called in Rev Lionel Fanthorpe, the UK’s leading authority on the unexplained, who is currently examining the ride for evidence of paranormal activity.”

The bold print here is my own emphasis. How does someone become an authority on the unexplained? Doesn’t being an authority on a subject involve being able to explain it? Rev Lionel Fanthorpe is the leading authority on absolutely nothing, in the UK or anywhere else. That’s what the quote above really means. Because if he could explain the unexplained, it WOULDN’T BE UNEXPLAINED ANYMORE. But they’re claiming he has expertise on something when they say that. What could it be?

“[Ouija boards open] a gateway to another dimension and when people who are not experienced spiritualists play with Ouija boards, mischievous entities can get through as may have happened here.”
-Rev Lionel Fanthorpe

Here’s what this “authority on the unexplained” looks like:

Oh no, my bad. That’s actually his fellow GhostBuster Bill Murray.

There is a bit of a resemblance, though:

Oh and just in case you were wondering, these people are totally not doing it for the publicity or anything like that. They are taking the feedback “very seriously.” Not seriously enough to shut the place down though. Just seriously enough so that they can get what amounts to free advertising in the Sun. Oh and here, apparently, too, but I doubt anyone reading this would or could go there if they wanted to, and I hope they don’t.

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6 Responses to “Stupid theme park management is stupid, even by those standards.”

  1. CNN’s “expert” advice on ghost hunting « Atheist Hobos Says:

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  2. Please Buy Our Useless Junk So You Can Find Nothing « Atheist Hobos Says:

    […] year around this time of year I made fun of a Sun article which was essentially an advertisement for a theme park which was allegedly […]

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