Up

I’ve decided to give myself this project of writing up these timestamped reviews of movies nominated for best picture for the Oscars. This way readers can talk about them at parties without having to actually watch them. They are all guaranteed to be 100% accurate, so don’t bother fact-checking or anything. Think of these as Cliff’s Notes, except they’re for people with a fear of movies instead of the illiterate. You can trust me.

Up

  • Minute 1: Charles Muntz is a cryptozoologist featured in an old timey news reel.
  • Minute 2: Skeptics at National Geographic conspire to force Muntz into exile. The INS deports him to live with his cryptids.
  • Minute 4: Brainwashed child follower of Muntz meets a fellow cultist of the same age in his neighborhood. They are both wearing helmets.
  • Minute 5: The human (?) female is named Ellie, and she forces the unnamed human (?) male to jump off a bombed out roof. His helmet protects him from much further brain damage.
  • Minute 6: Fueled by the delirium induced by his mild concussion, the humanish male plots to hijack the Goodyear blimp so that they can both join FARC in Colombia and grow old together after saving up enough money for a comfortable retirement with lots of henchmen. They will raise funds by working as drug mules.
  • Minute 7: The two are married in the traditional rituals of the Muntzian Church of Inner Healing & Cryptozoology.
  • Minute 11: Montage through their life together. Male’s name reveled as Carl. They grow old together but never make it to Colombia. Carl mercy kills Ellie in the hospital like RP McMurphy.
  • Minute 15: Carl refuses to evacuate his house.
  • Minute 17: Boy named Russell teams up with Carl, who assigns him to a lengthy sentence in his S&M dungeon.
  • Minute 18: Carl beats the fuck out of a developer, loses his house.
  • Minute 22: Carl levitates his house using The Power Of Positive Thinking.
  • Minute 24: It turns out Russell was fapping in the S&M dungeon during liftoff and was too stupid to leave. He is now a stowaway.
  • Minute 30: Carl tries to ditch Russell in the Andes so that he can be eaten by a Uruguayan rugby team.
  • Minute 34: They both get stranded due to Carl’s inadequacy, but are near the FARC rendezvou. Russell’s term as an indentured servant is extended.
  • Minute 38: Russell discovers Charles Muntz’s cryptid by feeding it his own shit. Cryptid = Kevin.
  • Minute 40: Ellie apparently tells Russell that he can keep Kevin. I should’ve mentioned earlier that all throughout this time Carl has been talking to his wife as if he didn’t murder her back at the hospital many years ago. He has entered a deep state of denial about his deplorable actions, and now Russell has joined in on Carl’s delusion.
  • Minute 41: The two graduate from talking to dead people to talking to dogs. Dog = Doug. Get it? It’s like Dog, but with just an extra letter. Ha ha ha!
  • Minute 44: Doug is an outcast from the antagonist dogs owned by disgraced cryptozoologist Charles Muntz.
  • Minute 46: The demons in Carl’s head tell him to ditch Kevin and Doug, so he does. They both catch up.
  • Minute 49: In a fit of blind rage, Russell forces Carl to take a blood oath of loyalty to Kevin. As a lifelong Muntz devotee, Carl is obligated to do so.
  • Minute 52: Evil dogs capture the group and take them on a death march to Muntz’s lair.
  • Minute 55: Muntz welcomes them as guests when he realizes Carl is a card-carrying devotee and a regular tither to his cult.
  • Minute 57: They all eat dinner, but Russell is upset at having to execute the monkey with a mallet before eating its chilled brains.
  • Minute 60: Muntz shows Carl the disembodied heads of other cultists who had visited him. He flies into a fit of rage, and Carl barely escapes alive. This movie is actually a lot like Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, except without all that racism and misogyny. Also, Indiana Jones is a senile old man who talks to dead people and Mola Ram is a cryptozoologist.
  • Minute 62: Totally plausible chase scene of a giant flightless bird carrying a house while outrunning a pack of dogs.
  • Minute 67: Muntz has used the technology given to him by the aliens to capture Kevin and begins his scorched earth policy.
  • Minute 70: Carl has made it to where he will meet up with FARC, but his crew is demoralized and Russell tries to escape his indentured servitude.
  • Minute 75: Carl “re-launches his house,” as the kids on the street are calling it these days, in order to stop Russell from licking poison ivy and possibly save the cryptid Kevin at the same time.  Doug was caught in Carl’s S&M dungeon and re-joins the collective. All of the protagonists in this story are now RetardStrong.
  • Minute 77: Charles captures Russell and tries to kill him. He then becomes paranoid and starts hallucinating.
  • Minute: 79: Carl begins one of his side missions for the Animal Liberation Front, saving Russell from death by stupidity in the process. Russell becomes seriously despressed and attempts suicide.
  • Minute 81: EPIC BATTLE
  • Minute 85: Carl murders Charles in cold blood and then laughs about it maniacally.
  • Minute 87: The cryptid is allowed to live out the rest of his life without being used as positive evidence for the cryptozoologists.
  • Minute 88: Carl bribes Russell to keep his FUCKING MOUTH SHUT about that senseless murder he just witnessed.

Overall, this is a very disturbing movie and I’m sure the Academy is recognizing this as a strange new direction for Disney to be taking.

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2 Responses to “Up”

  1. god Says:

    i am 12 and wat is this

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