District 9

I’ve decided to give myself this project of writing up these timestamped reviews of movies nominated for best picture for the Oscars. This way readers can talk about them at parties without having to actually watch them. They are all guaranteed to be 100% accurate, so don’t bother fact-checking or anything. Think of these as Cliff’s Notes, except they’re for people with a fear of movies instead of the illiterate. You can trust me.

District 9

  • Minute 1: Oh, OK, so this is basically like The Office plus aliens.
  • Minute 2: So now it’s The Office plus redneck aliens. Didn’t Peter Jackson already do a movie about redneck aliens? I think he did.
  • Minute 5: The aliens are living in a concentration camp in Johannesburg.
  • Minute 7: Steve Carrell is coordinating the relocation of the aliens on a trail of tears to Oklahoma, or as they call it in their language, “maize.” His hot wife is proud of him.
  • Minute 12: Not much happening, they’re running around aliens while operating military stuff. How did they learn English so quickly?
  • Minute 14: The aliens are addicted to some kind of heroin stored in cat food.
  • Minute 17: The Steve Carrell guy firebombs an abortion clinic for Jesus and then gets puked on.
  • Minute 20: The aliens are making methamphetamine from garbage.
  • Minute 22: The aliens are busted for making methamphetamine from garbage. Wikus gets sprayed with more alien shit.
  • Minute 24: FIGHT! One of the meth dealers gets ‘capped’ while the other runs away.
  • Minute 27: The surviving meth dealing alien starts a sitdown demo to protest the mass eviction.
  • Minute 29: Wikus is all fucked up puking and bleeding black shit out of his nose. I didn’t even make that part up.
  • Minute 32: Nigerians are now The Man keeping the alien brothas down by eating their hearts after killing them in drug deals.
  • Minute 35: Wikus pukes again. He’s all junk sick at his party and is sent to rehab where his hand goes all alien-y.
  • Minute 36: The military is forcing Wikus to get a sex change operation in secret. But how did the documentary filmmakers get into the restricted area?
  • Minute 40: OK they’re making him shoot aliens with his new creepy hand. I find it difficult to believe that any military is so desperate for weapons that they need to use mutants to operate alien tech.
  • Minute 42: Wikus gets all SexCrazy and RetardStrong and escapes because he knows the vaccines they wanted to give him would make him autistic.
  • Minute 45: The news is reporting, “Wikus was the first motherfucker to see a new galaxy, or find a new alien life form… and fuck it. Now people are, like, ‘There he goes; homeboy fucked a Martian once.'”
  • Minute 47: Oh, I get it! Wikus is part-ALIEN and he’s hiding from the government in South friggin Africa. Old topical content is old.

  • Minute 49: I think he’s hit rock bottom now, eating catfood he bought on the black market straight from the can by hand outside of a garbage heap. Now his wife left him because of the sex change operation.
  • Minute 52: Inspired by Bob Flanagan, Wikus gets into self-mutilation. How is the film crew still with him? This is supposed to be a documentary. Or mockumentary. Or something.
  • Minute 53: Wikus meets up with the surviving meth dealing alien. Up until this point the movie has been building up to a turn into a dual cop comedy except the cops are both renegades who don’t play by the rules.
  • Minute 57: OMG WE CAN’T TEAM UP TO STORM THE SECURITY STATION AND GET THE FUEL BACK ITS A SUICIDE MISSION AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!! OK, let’s go, I guess. Just give me a minute to get all emo and talk to my wife.
  • Minute 62: Hello there Mr. Gangster Sir, I’d like to buy some weapons plz. This will go well.
  • Minute 65:Wikus = Frank Booth “Don’t fucking look at me!”, Nigerian gangsta = Bill O’Reilly “I’m coming for you!”
  • Minute 66: EPIC BATTLE111 Remember kids, always bring your film crew with you while storming an international peacekeeping HQ with alien weapons and your goofy alien sidekick.
  • Minute 76: Bunch of explosions and crap.
  • Minute 78: Wikus is arrested for fucking Martians again, then captured by Nigerian cannibals. “Hey man, be cool, just gimme your arm.”
  • Minute 81: Guys shooting guns, blah blah blah.
  • Minute 83: The goofy alien sidekick uses one of Obama’s predator drones to save Wikus.
  • Minute 86: Wikus saves the goofy alien sidekick from enhanced interrogation using the predator drone.<
  • Minute 91: Sidekick escapes, Wikus decides he’d really rather just hang back and kill some humans instead of change back into one.
  • Minute 96: Black bloc of aliens help Wikus not get killed, he lives happily ever after in the garbage heap. The end.

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