Bill Murray to cause apocalypse in an obscure way

The good folks at ChristWire are really mad at Bill Murray. So they’re trying to get people to boycott him. You might think Murray did something recently that really set them off. But no. They’re just angry at his whole body of work and his personality. They’re so enraged… How enraged are they?… Well, this much:

He is a weak man, a murderer of lambs, a despicable hedonist who waves the white flag welcoming the end of American moral and economic primacy. He is a harbinger of our death as a culture, the death of that preëminent philosophy of faith married to capitalism that has saved the world countless times from repression and annihilation. Bill Murray is a fatal disease and the sad news we bring you today is that your children have been infected.

The bold print is in the original.

Oh, but it gets better when the author starts fantasizing about being raped by Bill Murray. Seriously:

When you see this man on screen, his eyes wander all over you like a caged New York City rat. They seek out your curves and muscles with eerie desire. Those are not the eyes of someone you can trust. His mischievous grin suggests rape and sex and wanting to violate any thing he comes into contact with in the dead of night. He seems willing to say whatever it takes to get you where he wants to go, both physically and intellectually. Many of my fellow journalists have reported their fear of this man and his wicked charm, the way he works his way into the depths of your life, gets you to confess your darkest secrets.

Dr. Freud, call for you on line two.

OK, that’s hilarious, of course. Now the best part of these kinds of screeds is how you can tell that the author is really overpowered by their emotions, while at the same time want to give the impression that they’re literate and educated. And these two factors just trainwreck in the closing paragraph, just before the quote from Revelation. This time the added emphasis is mine:

Or has Bill Murray come to the grand revelation himself that he is desperately clawing against his own mortality with half-hearted sexual perversion and intellectual degeneracy, wandering drunken through the night, without passion or direction, already lost to the game of life. He is defeat. He has given up making meaningful gestures of faith or righteousness to instead nest in those small moments of self-satisfaction before he slips into the quiet bosom of obscurity. There is no denying that this grotesque and dangerous creature can be described as nothing less than one of the four horsemen of America’s impending Apocalypse.

Well, which is it? Is Bill Murray a horseman of America’s impending apocalypse? Or is he slipping into the quiet boom of obscurity? I don’t think that the author believes that the America’s impeding apocalypse is an obscure event. So it’s got to be one or the other.

Of course, to people who buy into this kind of stuff, it doesn’t matter if even two consecutive sentences are consistent. That’s not the point. The point is that they’re mad. They don’t even care if they’ve formed a comprehensible case for getting so worked up in the first place. And when you just appeal straight to people’s emotions, pretty much anything flies – even a Bill Murray boycott.

UPDATE: OK, I’ve looked more extensively through ChristWire‘s stuff, and I’m now about 90% sure that it’s satirical in the same sense as Landover Baptist or Objective Ministries. So now the egg is on my face.


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2 Responses to “Bill Murray to cause apocalypse in an obscure way”

  1. stephensonbillings Says:

    God bless my friend and I really do appreciate that you are contributing to the love of Christ by promoting the Bill Murray Boycott. With my love,

    Stephenson Billings, Investigative Journalist

  2. nanobotswillenslaveusall Says:

    Hey, nice work. I guess you can now add me as another notch in people you’ve Poe’d.

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