Federal appeals court loves making death threats to corporations

Hey, guess what everybody? It’s totally legal to make death threats to corporations now.

So there’s this guy from Arizona named Kurt William Havelock who was really mad at the Super Bowl. So, as one does in such situations, he decided to mail out a manifesto to media outlets detailing the reasons he has for shooting people at the 2008 Super Bowl in Glendale, AZ. From Wired’s Threat Level blog:

“It will be swift and bloody,” he wrote media outlets in packages mailed a half hour before he got cold feet and abandoned his plan. “I will sacrifice your children upon the altar of your excess.”

Later in court he argued that he was disgruntled after being denied a permit to serve alcohol. And I can relate because the last time I got to a convenience store at 3:07 AM and the clerk told me it was too late to buy alcohol, I started screaming about how my retribution would be swift and bloody, and that I would sacrifice the children of everyone in the store upon the altar of their excesses, too. It’s kind of eerie, actually, because we used pretty much the same unhinged threats verbatim.

But now when the clerk gets scared and calls the police, I’ll be able to use legal precedent to defend myself. And so will you, reader. The key is to make sure you don’t threaten anyone specifically. You have to target your blind, misguided rage onto a bland corporate entity. Thanks to Mr. Havelock and his overturned convictions, if you do this then you’re legally in the clear. So let’s all celebrate by making death threats at corporations.

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