Archive for the ‘Local’ Category

My Apostate Dog and Me

September 10, 2011

How I Won The War On Terror For America By Adopting A Dog (You’re Welcome)

I don’t want to be one of those internet writers who write about their pets and do “Sundog” blog posts, but there’s a pretty weird story which needs to be told about how I got her. This is my new friend Darwin:

“Allahu Akbar!”

Even though Darwin sounds more like a name for guys, she’s a mixed beagle so I thought it was appropriate. Sometimes I call her a muggle.

Anyway, I got this dog from a lady who works with my sister. She was dog-sitting her for a friend of her’s who went to Afghanistan. Apparently he isn’t in the military and didn’t go to work for a contractor. He just decided to go to Afghanistan. And now he’s decided he’s not coming back, so this friend of my sister wanted to get rid of this dog since she already has two others.

I told this story to a friend. “You mean your dog is, like, the American Taliban?”

“I guess so,” I responded. “So now I have to show her that Our Way Of Life is superior.”

She likes to lie down facing East several times a day. She has a “bed” which looks suspiciously like one of those prayer rugs they have in mosques. She doesn’t like to eat fruit, presumably on the grounds that such decadent Western blueberries are surely diverting praise from the One True God Allah and His Prophet Mohammed. And the fact that her previous owners named her Bella – that’s her slave name – makes me suspect even more that she must have been a terrorist of some type in her past. Sometime in the past year or so, I guess.

On the other hand, she’s been adjusting well to living in a secular home. She’s thwarted numerous attempts on my life so far, mostly from the UPS guy or the neighbors’ dogs. She’s eaten those imitation bacon treats which I’m pretty sure have some pork in them, even though the Koran explicitly forbids it. She’s even tried to edit some of the blasphemous, progressive stuff I’ve been writing lately, although I have to reject most of her ideas. Especially “=-,” which she pitches each time she jumps up on my chair.

Anyway, that’s what I’m doing to fight the War on Terror: adopting a extremist Muslim dog and helping her appreciate secular Western culture and values. And now with one less mujahideen beagle mutt, al Qaeda is surely defeated.


Murphy can haz Congress

March 16, 2011

WNYMedia somehow got word that BEAST EIC Ian Murphy has the Green Party’s nomination for taking Chris Lee’s seat in Congress in the upcoming special election. Jack Davis is also running. Walter Sobchak has something to say about Davis’s candidacy:


Buffalo’s Triple-A baseball team makes a major league error

September 6, 2010

If you’re in the Western New York area, you know that we have a Triple-A baseball team here in Buffalo called the “Bisons.” But were you aware that the name of the team is a grammatical error? It’s true. Observe:

So this problem will be solved the way all modern problems are solved: Through a Facebook group. Now go join it on the Facebook. Even if you’re not local, please show your support for correct grammar.

Have you seen this man?

July 14, 2010

Some guy robbed a pharmacy on South Park Ave on Monday morning. This photograph was released to aid in the investigation:

Oh yeah, I know that guy! I’d recognize that blurry silhouette anywhere. It’s a human, right?

I made a better lawn sign for Carl Paladino

June 3, 2010

A local teabagger is running for governor and a few people have picked up bumper stickers and lawn signs to support him. Or something. Here’s what it looks like:

The guy’s hand is covering it up, but it says “I’m mad as hell too, Carl.” The ones I have seen on a lawn and one or two pickup trucks just said “I’m mad too, Carl.” Saying “as hell” makes Jesus cry aborto-tears so the campaign dropped that vulgarity since they are so very concerned with stopping the spread of profanity.

So as a gesture of goodwill, I’m offering a new design:


April 15, 2010

Carl Paladino’s ideas are intriguing to me, and I wish to subscribe to his newsletter

April 14, 2010

WNYMedia got themselves a nice scoop about local developer/gubernatorial candidate/Batman villain Carl Paladino.

It’s actually kind of a WikiLeaks-ish story about his e-mail. Someone’s private e-mail usually should stay that way, but it’s a different story when you’re a public figure running for public office. Paladino’s apparently incapable of not forwarding every single sexually explicit or racist picture he sees on the internet to just about everyone on his contacts list. And one of those contacts, a friend of his, forwarded some of these to WNYMedia.

Dave Weigel – who’s recently moved from the Washington Independent to the Washington Post – has a follow-up. Here’s an excerpt:

“I believe that the people doing this are hard-core, left-wing, liberal people who are going to stop at nothing to smear him,” said [Buffalo Tea Party organizer Allen] Coniglio. “He’s not a racist. He was just passing on some nonsense in an e-mail. Everybody does things that are not 100 percent pure. He’s just a human being.”

See, when Coniglio says that the people “doing this” are hardcore commies, what does he mean by “this?” If he means that they sent those e-mails, then maybe he should let Paladino know that that’s supposed to be the story. Because he is on a different script entirely. In this video, he gets as close as politicians get to admitting that the press was correct about something.

Maybe he meant that the act of “this” was leaking the e-mails in the first place. But if that’s the case, why is Paladino sending this stuff to “hard-core, left-wing, liberal people” who he would have to know would leak it to the press? Paladino’s not that stupid, is he?

Apparently, “doing this” just means reporting on the story. So when Coniglio complains about “the people doing this,” he is saying that he thinks it’s a big problem for WNYMedia to report news, and not that a gubernatorial candidate for New York in 2010 (not 1810) actually believes in racism. It actually took me a minute to figure that out just because it’s so bizarre.

The thing that people like Paladino and Coniglio can’t seem to grasp is you don’t have to be some radical extremist to think that this story is newsworthy. Most people think that believing in racism is weird and primitive – that’s why they had to rush to saying that he’s DEFINITELY NOT A RACIST and this is just yet another “isolated incident” of Republicans doing and saying racist things.

If it were only the hardcore commies who cared about that, then there would be no problem with Paladino just coming out and openly saying that he really does believe that black people are inferior. So why not do it, Carl? You’ll only offend a few of us hardcore leftists, right? Surely everyone else – the” real Americans” – will rally by your side against this minority of uber-PC elites, right? Right.

Neil deGrasse Tyson at University at Buffalo

April 1, 2010

So I went to see Neil deGrasse Tyson last night at UB. He spoke for about 2 hours, doing his normal talk about basic physics and astronomy, then did a pretty long Q&A afterwards.

The talk didn’t really have new information, but it was cool to see in person. I got to ask a question about SETI but I don’t think I phrased it quite right. It was about whether or not what they were doing was falsifiable and if not, whether that made it unscientific. He answered by giving what seemed like a prepared response for questions about SETI in general, which was all very interesting and all, but didn’t really get to my point.

At first he made an analogy to searching for life in the ocean by studying it little by little. That’s basically what SETI does for possible radio signals from the closest stars. And then after finding no results, you can continue searching. So it was like he was framing the SETI hypothesis as a set of smaller hypotheses. He was talking about falsifying a hypothesis like “Is there a radio signal in X direction at Y frequency?” which can be easily falsified or verified by direct observation while I meant the larger hypothesis of “Does intelligent life exist on other worlds?” which I don’t think really can be falsified.

And that’s I think where his analogy fell apart because the ocean – global warming aside – is not expanding. It’s finite, and we have a pretty good idea of where it begins and ends in a practical, day-by-day sense. At least it’s not expanding at an accelerating rate which can continue for trillions of years, like the Universe.

So if the truth of our situation is that Earth really is the only place where intelligent life evolved (which is possible), we couldn’t really know for sure because by the time we’ve accumulated all the data and analyzed it, the Universe has already expanded by a lot, revealing even more possible places to search for intelligent life. It could be that what he was getting at was that maybe someday we could have technology that could really act that quickly, but I don’t see how that could be possible given the limitations on things like the speed of light and that sort of thing.

UPDATE: Here is a short clip UB posted on the YouTube:

Scientists coming to Buffalo

March 11, 2010

Neil deGrasse Tyson is speaking at the Center for the Arts for UB’s Distinguished Speakers Series on Wednesday, March 31.

Jane Goodall is speaking at Canisius College’s Koessler Athletic Center on Wednesday, April 14.

Buffalo, USA!

January 4, 2010

Mark Byrnes did an update on an 80s promo video. It’s very inspiring.

LOLcats invented in WNY

December 7, 2009

From the March 1929 issue of Parents Magazine:

Opportunities to troll IRL

November 29, 2009

I have to work for both of these and can not attend either. But asking provocative questions at either or both would be fun and might even be a deterrant to kooks to GTFO of Buffalo and never come back. They will not be missed.

UFO freak at NCCC Wednesday evening

Creationist at UB Saturday afternoon

Go, seek them out, ask embarassing questions, and then dine on their flesh. Gnaw at their fingers and feed their bones to your dog.

The White Ninja

November 11, 2009


It’s about time.  Maybe the News doesn’t suck so much after all. But on the other hand, they insist on using the ridiculous nickname “Woman in White” and what they claim to be her real name (“Irene”). Everyone knows her official title is The White Ninja.

Completely random thought

October 20, 2009

There is a billboard on the 190 north just before the Elm St exit for the Food Bank of WNY. It mentions that there are so many thousand children going hungry today in Western New York. To the right of the text, instead of a picture of a hungry child being fed by the nice people at the food bank, there’s a picture of the YOU GONNA GET RAPED guy.


America 1, Canada 0 USA! USA! USA!

September 7, 2009

When most people think of Niagara Falls, they think of honeymoons and 1920s daredevils in barrels and lots of water falling off a huge fucking cliff.

That’s all there, of course, but you miss the whole idea of Niagara Falls unless you’re a local. In order to understand Niagara Falls as a real place, you need to think of stories like this one. Then, you’ll get it just right. It’s that classic international love story:

  • American man goes on Craigslist.
  • Man meets two Canadian women for threesome at a seedy motel.
  • Man steals laptop, purses, and everything else in their room.