Posts Tagged ‘cults’

Another guru rapist

April 9, 2010

Sometimes it’s fun to take news stories out of context. For example, this:

“He has for many years now been at the centre of a group of followers, overwhelmingly women, some of whom have been part of his circle for many years.”

and this:

The women were drawn in with claims that Mr [last name] had worked for the Dalai Lama and he would drive them around in expensive cars, the jury heard.

sound like they might be about Tiger Woods. But they’re not. That was from a story about a healer/guru in London who recruited women to rape and then recruit future rape victims for him.

Michael Lyons, aka “Mohan Singh” is being charged with five counts of rape. And unlike more pragmatic cult leader rapists, he’s been doing this kind of stuff since 1998 based on what seem only like vague promises about life changes instead of empirical results. Well yeah, if you suddenly join a rape cult after previously not belonging to any then your life will change. There’s apparently some fine print about the exacy nature of these life changes which some of the victims/collaborators overlooked before signing on.


Scientology’s secret sweatshops

March 28, 2010

At first I was all like, “Yeah, I heard about that before.”

But then I was like, “Wait, no I didn’t. That just sounds exactly like something they would do and I just kind of assumed it was old news when I read it.”

More former members of the Scientology cult have been making pretty damning allegations about how the church has been treating its “workers,” and by workers I mean brainwashed slaves. The allegations include working long hours for 39 cents an hour on only a few hours sleep, separating defectors from their loyal (loyal to Scientology, that is) parents, and even a forced abortion.

But see, all this is OK because these people aren’t really workers. They are “religious devotees akin to monks,” which makes treating them like shit totally cool in the eyes of the law, for some reason.

The response from the church wasn’t the typical “NUH UH!” we normally hear from them. Well, OK, it wasn’t just that. From the Times (emphasis mine):

The church has responded to the bad publicity by denying the accusations and calling attention to a worldwide building campaign that showcases its wealth and industriousness. Last year, it built or renovated opulent Scientology churches, which it calls Ideal Orgs, in Rome; Malmo, Sweden; Dallas; Nashville; and Washington. And at its base here on the Gulf Coast of Florida, it continued buying hotels and office buildings (54 in all) and constructing a 380,000-square-foot mecca that looks like a convention center.

Can you believe that? They’re being accused of running sweatshops – sweatshops which were, as it turns out, in the business of producing the church’s highly profitable but practically useless books and DVDs – and their response to this? “Hey, how could we have done that? We just finished a building a convention center. Look, it’s all shiny!”

It’s a lot like how when Walter Sobchak tried to get Larry Sellers to crack and they all saw that Corvette out front, except in this case the car really IS Larry’s and he’s showing it off to the press.

Don’t pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about.

Just in case you’re new to the idea of Scientology and what it’s all about and think maybe I’m unfairly assuming these allegations are true (and if this is the case you should take some time to read up on them), the AP has another report about another couple making the same allegations. It’s pretty much what you’d expect: constant surveillance, blocked escape routes, censored mail, and anyone who corroborates these things is a lying heretic who must be silenced – for interfering with the church’s freedom, you see. Their ability to project their own worst qualities onto their critics doesn’t seem to have any limit at all.


February 15, 2010

I’ve decided to give myself this project of writing up these timestamped reviews of movies nominated for best picture for the Oscars. This way readers can talk about them at parties without having to actually watch them. They are all guaranteed to be 100% accurate, so don’t bother fact-checking or anything. Think of these as Cliff’s Notes, except they’re for people with a fear of movies instead of the illiterate. You can trust me.


  • Minute 1: Charles Muntz is a cryptozoologist featured in an old timey news reel.
  • Minute 2: Skeptics at National Geographic conspire to force Muntz into exile. The INS deports him to live with his cryptids.
  • Minute 4: Brainwashed child follower of Muntz meets a fellow cultist of the same age in his neighborhood. They are both wearing helmets.
  • Minute 5: The human (?) female is named Ellie, and she forces the unnamed human (?) male to jump off a bombed out roof. His helmet protects him from much further brain damage.
  • Minute 6: Fueled by the delirium induced by his mild concussion, the humanish male plots to hijack the Goodyear blimp so that they can both join FARC in Colombia and grow old together after saving up enough money for a comfortable retirement with lots of henchmen. They will raise funds by working as drug mules.
  • Minute 7: The two are married in the traditional rituals of the Muntzian Church of Inner Healing & Cryptozoology.
  • Minute 11: Montage through their life together. Male’s name reveled as Carl. They grow old together but never make it to Colombia. Carl mercy kills Ellie in the hospital like RP McMurphy.
  • Minute 15: Carl refuses to evacuate his house.
  • Minute 17: Boy named Russell teams up with Carl, who assigns him to a lengthy sentence in his S&M dungeon.
  • Minute 18: Carl beats the fuck out of a developer, loses his house.
  • Minute 22: Carl levitates his house using The Power Of Positive Thinking.
  • Minute 24: It turns out Russell was fapping in the S&M dungeon during liftoff and was too stupid to leave. He is now a stowaway.
  • Minute 30: Carl tries to ditch Russell in the Andes so that he can be eaten by a Uruguayan rugby team.
  • Minute 34: They both get stranded due to Carl’s inadequacy, but are near the FARC rendezvou. Russell’s term as an indentured servant is extended.
  • Minute 38: Russell discovers Charles Muntz’s cryptid by feeding it his own shit. Cryptid = Kevin.
  • Minute 40: Ellie apparently tells Russell that he can keep Kevin. I should’ve mentioned earlier that all throughout this time Carl has been talking to his wife as if he didn’t murder her back at the hospital many years ago. He has entered a deep state of denial about his deplorable actions, and now Russell has joined in on Carl’s delusion.
  • Minute 41: The two graduate from talking to dead people to talking to dogs. Dog = Doug. Get it? It’s like Dog, but with just an extra letter. Ha ha ha!
  • Minute 44: Doug is an outcast from the antagonist dogs owned by disgraced cryptozoologist Charles Muntz.
  • Minute 46: The demons in Carl’s head tell him to ditch Kevin and Doug, so he does. They both catch up.
  • Minute 49: In a fit of blind rage, Russell forces Carl to take a blood oath of loyalty to Kevin. As a lifelong Muntz devotee, Carl is obligated to do so.
  • Minute 52: Evil dogs capture the group and take them on a death march to Muntz’s lair.
  • Minute 55: Muntz welcomes them as guests when he realizes Carl is a card-carrying devotee and a regular tither to his cult.
  • Minute 57: They all eat dinner, but Russell is upset at having to execute the monkey with a mallet before eating its chilled brains.
  • Minute 60: Muntz shows Carl the disembodied heads of other cultists who had visited him. He flies into a fit of rage, and Carl barely escapes alive. This movie is actually a lot like Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, except without all that racism and misogyny. Also, Indiana Jones is a senile old man who talks to dead people and Mola Ram is a cryptozoologist.
  • Minute 62: Totally plausible chase scene of a giant flightless bird carrying a house while outrunning a pack of dogs.
  • Minute 67: Muntz has used the technology given to him by the aliens to capture Kevin and begins his scorched earth policy.
  • Minute 70: Carl has made it to where he will meet up with FARC, but his crew is demoralized and Russell tries to escape his indentured servitude.
  • Minute 75: Carl “re-launches his house,” as the kids on the street are calling it these days, in order to stop Russell from licking poison ivy and possibly save the cryptid Kevin at the same time.  Doug was caught in Carl’s S&M dungeon and re-joins the collective. All of the protagonists in this story are now RetardStrong.
  • Minute 77: Charles captures Russell and tries to kill him. He then becomes paranoid and starts hallucinating.
  • Minute: 79: Carl begins one of his side missions for the Animal Liberation Front, saving Russell from death by stupidity in the process. Russell becomes seriously despressed and attempts suicide.
  • Minute 81: EPIC BATTLE
  • Minute 85: Carl murders Charles in cold blood and then laughs about it maniacally.
  • Minute 87: The cryptid is allowed to live out the rest of his life without being used as positive evidence for the cryptozoologists.
  • Minute 88: Carl bribes Russell to keep his FUCKING MOUTH SHUT about that senseless murder he just witnessed.

Overall, this is a very disturbing movie and I’m sure the Academy is recognizing this as a strange new direction for Disney to be taking.


Bananas For Sex

September 15, 2009

A cult leader in Papua New Guinea allegedly offered a high yield on an area’s banana crop in exchange for sex. In public.

Usually, when a cult leader offers some kind of sex-based barter, it’s some kind of amazing supernatural reward, like a privileged spot in some kind of afterlife hierarchy. At least, that’s what I usually do when I’m a cult leader in a food for sex exchange. It’s pretty much the SOP. I guess they just go with the low-hanging fruit in Papua New Guinea.

I misread this article the first time I skimmed it. Apparently it’s not just sex with the cult leader which would allegedly increase the banana crop. He just wanted everyone to fuck in public. First he threatened violence, but then he decided it would be more effective to bribe them.

Best line from this short article:

Three police officers trekked into the village over the weekend but the leader, identified as Thomas Peli, was able to escape into the bush.

The Australian ABC News which reported on has not yet followed up on whether or not public sex increased the banana crop yield. This warrants serious attention and I would hope that such a follow-up is forthcoming, as should be expected from serious journalists.

The Large Hadron Collider is going to destroy everything again. Really this time.

September 8, 2009

The Large Hadron Collider is being restarted again this month. So here are some reasons why the LHC = awesomeness:

It will tell us something about the fundamental particles of matter regardless of the outcome. For example, if they find the Higgs boson, it will confirm that theory and raise even deeper questions about physics which nobody can yet forsee. And if they don’t find it, then they’d have exchanged error for truth and have to go back to the drawing board with newer and better ideas, one of them having been falsified. The same goes for things like dark matter, dark energy, extra dimensions like suggested by string theory, and the possibility of a unified field theory.

Its findings will inspire future generations of physicists who will then find out even more about how the Universe works.

It will help teenagers get laid by inducing end of the world panic in people without understanding of what the LHC actually is.

The same fear-mongering will create internet joke fodder.



Suicide cults will do their ‘cult suicide’ thing. Hilarity will ensue.

Creationists will either try to claim that the findings prove God created the Universe or that the findings are all part of a “Big Science” conspiracy a la Ben Stein. Hilarity will ensue.

Time travelers might show up. But probably not.

It will give nerdy musicians more inspiration for their craft: