Posts Tagged ‘war on Christmas’

Stop the Gellerization of America

December 4, 2011

Pamela Geller is this nice Muslin lady who runs an anti-Islam organization with its very own website and everything. She likes to warn us real Americans about the Mohammedans when they’re about to do something illegal, like whistle a call to prayer at a stoplight. There’s always some new and exciting way to be afraid of those Moslems.

With Thanksgiving coming, Geller has spent the past week or so wondering what the best way to connect her McCarthyite crusade to the holiday, like most of us have. And that’s how she discovered that your Thanksgiving turkey is really a Trojan Horse which has been brainwashed by the Prophet Mohammed. Check it:

Did you know that the turkey you’re going to enjoy on Thanksgiving Day this Thursday is probably halal? If it’s a Butterball turkey, then it certainly is — whether you like it or not.

Whether you like it or not, people! You cannot change your dead turkey’s religion just by wishing for a postmortem conversion really, really hard! That is unless you’re a Mormon, in which case you can have a weird pagan ceremony where you baptize your dead turkey along with a few Nazi war criminals for good measure. Anyway, this is a shock to Geller’s audience, who probably also believes in The Secret, Atlantis, energy independence, and extended warrantees too.

So why is Geller the only one very concerned about the Muslim turkeys? Sure, maybe it’s not the most important thing in the world. It’s probably only the fourth most important thing in the world. Geller laments how she seems to be the only one freaking out over this:

Where are the PETA clowns and the ridiculous celebs who pose naked on giant billboards for PETA and “animal rights”? They would rather see people die of cancer or AIDS than see animals used in drug testing, but torturous and painful Islamic slaughter is OK.

Yes, where is PETA? See, this is what separates a level-headed rational person like Pamela Geller from those ridiculous celebs and clowns, of which she certainly isn’t one at all, no, no sir. Why doesn’t PETA have an entire section of their website devoted to the cruelty of this halal slaughter practice including an article titled “The Cruelty Behind Muslim Ritual Slaughter” which anyone with two brain cells to rub against each other and a fraction of a second and Google could find? We may never know.

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Dallas preacher steals Christmas

December 28, 2010

Sandra McGriff is this pastor who, it looks like got busted for burglary. I say it looks that way because the police records say that the person arrested was named Kathy Robinson, but McGriff’s brother-in-law Weldon claims it was her. So either it’s McGriff and she was carrying someone else’s ID or this is all some holiday prank gone horribly wrong. Or right.

She also said that McGriff had called her to talk about an hour before the burglary was reported. During that conversation, Agnew told McGriff she was away from home visiting her daughter.

PROTIP: Don’t do this. If you’re going to rob someone, find out when they’ll be away from home using their status on the Facesbooks.

After McGriff was treated for the injured arm, officers struggled to arrest her. She slipped out of one set of handcuffs and resisted being restrained.
She slipped a second set of handcuffs off while waiting in a police car, and kicked and tried to scratch officers as they again restrained her.

PROTIP: DO do this if you are arrested, if only for the sake of awesomeness.

Essentially this woman is being charged for taking too many shortcuts in her job. If you want to take your parishoners’ belongings (yeah, the person she robbed went to her church, which is called the Church of the Living God), you have to convince them to give them to you by “tithing.”

Killing Santa for God in Amarillo

December 22, 2010

Repent Amarillo is this Christian quasi-militia group which became famous when they started trolling swingers’ club patrons a few months ago. Now they have moved on to more serious matters, which of course means they made these awesome sweatshirts and wore them while executing Santa Claus in effigy.

The very serious man in this video reads out the list of crimes Santa has committed. The first one’s idolatry – obvious, really, because of all those people who worship him. And the second one is that he lies by claiming that he actually exists. But how can he do the lying without existing? And how can you execute someone who doesn’t exist? Isn’t Repent Amarillo buying into the lie of Santa Claus existing by executing him? After all, you need to exist first before you can be executed. As Rene Descartes put it in Discourse on the Method:

This proposition, I think, therefore I am, is the first and the most certain which presents itself to whomever conducts his thoughts in order. The runner-up is, Then I get executed by a freelance Texan firing squad.

So then this distinguished gentleman calls Santa out for not having a soul and then says something about global warming.

I’m no expert on firing squads, but I was under the impression that they usually don’t 1. have their guns aimed for them by leveling them on a rack, 2. have the target only a few feet away 3. wear pretty pink earmuffs, and 4. hilariously mispronounce coup de grace.

Santa’s enhanced interrogation

December 13, 2010

Artist Michael Oddo is fighting the war on Christmas Bagram-style. He’s made these awesome ornaments of Santa being tortured.

Oddo apparently made the guillotine execution one first for some friends at a party where each guest needed to make an ornament to exchange. They were so popular that he is now taking orders through a page on the Facesbooks.

Oddo is claiming that this is a response to the overcommercialization of the holiday, but it’s pretty clear that this has more to do with how we’re going to finally win the War on Christmas this year by torturing the fuck out of every mall Santa we can kidnap in a parking lot over the next few weeks. Not that I’ve thought about that or anything.

War on Christmas Recap

December 24, 2009

It has been a good one this year. We’ve seen fights by crazy people, fights by sane people, some old faces, and some surprising new ones. In the end I think the forces of crazy will always triumph, at least within the media since being reasonable doesn’t have the same “news value” as being batshit insane does. Here is how it went down this year

War on Christmas 2009:

  1. Donald Wildmon pwns the Gap
  2. Nordstrom dares to wait until after Thanksgiving to decorate for Jesus
  3. Festive coalition of ninjas decorate house south of Chicago
  4. USPS enables children’s belief in Santa
  5. Best Buy’s blasphemous blow-out sale
  6. Arkansas Society of Freethinkers vs. Little Rock
  7. VII-X
  8. Fake Santa vs. Crying Children
  9. Austria purifies itself of inferior Coca Cola conspiracy
  10. Fake Elf vs. Mall (w/Venn diagram!)
  11. Obama vs. Charlie Brown
  12. Focus on the Family vs. Everyone
  13. Satanic Arsonists vs. Glory of Christ church
  14. Heretical CHRIST-mas Tree
  15. Three Wise Men vs. Loch Ness Monster
  16. Jesus shoots Santa with a shotgun
  17. Priest tells congregation to shoplift

War on Christmas XIX, Jesus vs. Santa

December 20, 2009

We’re coming close to the end of the War on Christmas, so I guess it’s time to get to the serious conflicts.

From Yahoo News:

A Californian, who decorated his lawn with a depiction of Jesus shooting Santa Claus, has caused his neighbours to call for removal of the display.

The guy is claiming it’s a response to commercialism. I don’t see what the problem is. This whole “prince of peace” reputation of this Jesus person is totally misguided. He freaked out over a fig tree for not having figs on it, and then he freaked out over people lending money to other people. Today he’d be locked up in the loony bin as a dangerous lunatic, and rightfully so.

War on Christmas XVIII, Loch Ness Monster vs. Three Wise Men

December 16, 2009

In Howard County, IN, the Board of Commissioners received requests from concerned citizens to put up a Nativity scene on the courthouse lawn in downtown Kokomo. This was very important to some constituents because of how is mentioned in the Bible that Christmas is on December 25 and that it must be celebrated by putting religious symbols on public property. I can’t cite the chapter & verse or anything, but it’s in there. Trust me.

Anyway, as a response to these requests, the county decided to go another route. Instead of the same old boring, church/state separation-violating Nativity scene, they displayed a dinosaur. And the Loch Ness Monster!

Howard County, IN Courthouse Holiday Display (visual approximation)

WHERE IS YOUR “CHRISTIAN SIDE HUG” NOW?

From the Chicago Tribune report:

The lighted displays also include a fisherman, marching soldiers, a fire truck and lighted candles.

They neglected to mention that fishermen, soldiers, a functioning fire department, and candles are all more useful than the Jesus.

I must thank Howard County for singlehandedly making this the best War on Christmas EVAR.

War on Christmas XVII, The cross-based Christmas tree

December 12, 2009

From the press release:

“When I became a Christian a few years ago,” says [“CHRIST-mas Tree” creator Marsha] Boggs, “I was appalled by the secularization of the Christmas holiday. When retail stores started substituting ‘Happy Holidays’ for ‘Merry Christmas,’ and schools began calling their Christmas programs ‘Winter Plays,’ it all seemed ridiculous to me. That’s why we have created products that remind people what the Christmas season is really all about – the birth of Christ.”
The “CHRIST-mas” Tree is size adjustable up to 7.5 foot tall to accommodate various ceiling sizes. Additionally, the company offers ornaments, wreaths and gift items all with Christian-based themes.

And without further adieu, here it is!

But there is a problem here. This Boggs woman apparently rushed her conversion to Christianity and didn’t even bother reading the holy text of the religion. If she had, she might have noticed that her product would anger its alleged deity:

Hear ye the word which the LORD speaketh unto you, O house of Israel:
Thus saith the LORD, Learn not the way of the heathen, and be not dismayed at the signs of heaven; for the heathen are dismayed at them.
For the customs of the people are vain: for one cutteth a tree out of the forest, the work of the hands of the workman, with the axe.
They deck it with silver and with gold; they fasten it with nails and with hammers, that it move not.
-Jeremiah 10:1-4

I like how the pagans had to fasten the tree with nails so that it didn’t move around. You know how those trees get when they wander around all over the place.

But that’s not even the best part. That would be the price: $400! She must be one of those “prosperity gospel” types who believe that their faith will make them rich and other weird Voodoo-like stuff.

Another weird part of this is that Boggs claims that Christmas is supposed to be about the birth of Jesus, which I guess she wants to make note of by including a symbol of the… death of Jesus… It doesn’t really make sense. I know there was supposed to be the massacre of the innocents around the time of Jesus’ birth, according to the story, but I don’t think any Romans used a crucifix to kill any infants or toddlers. Maybe Boggs should put a bunch of manure in with her CHRIST-mas tree, in order to make it seem a bit more consistent with the story.

War on Christmas XV, Focus on the Family vs. Everyone

December 9, 2009

Oh, James Dobson. Will you ever stop being hilarious?

Dobson’s Focus on the Family started a new website for extremists to praise retailers who love Jesus and to heap scorn on those that do not. They’ve even set up a scoring system, assigning a percentage to selected retailers to be graded on their friendliness, negligence, or offensiveness. Stores called Dillard’s, Kabela’s, and Land’s End are doing pretty well by the standards of Focus on the Family, while the Gap, Best Buy, and American Eagle are scoring pretty high in the “offensive” category. The sins of the Gap have been documented here earlier. Also, Best Buy.

What I don’t understand is how these people differentiate between what is “negligent” and what is “offensive.” Because neglecting to mention Christmas is actually offensive to them. Then again, pretty much everything is offensive to them. But there are some interesting differences in the percentage scores between those two amongst the more egregious offenders. Then again, these appear to be assigned scores based on random internet reviews by customers and then simply tallied by FotF.

Wait a minute, what am I even saying? I’m acting like these are serious statistics or in any way meaningful. This shouldn’t be taken seriously, the only proper way to respond is to point and laugh. So ha ha.

War on Christmas XIV, the President vs. Charlie Brown

December 6, 2009

The mayor of some Tennessee suburb has discovered another shocking facet of the War on Christmas.

I’m trying to not be too serious in this War on Christmas series since it’s obviously not a very serious topic. But I think I’m going to have to break that rule here.

Here’s what some dipshit mayor has to say about Obama’s speech on the Afghanistan war escalation. This is what passes for political discourse these days:

“Ok, so, this is total crap, we sit the kids down to watch ‘The Charlie Brown Christmas Special’ and our muslim president is there, what a load…”

It’s not even really a complete sentence yet, and there are already a few problems. Like that Obama isn’t a Muslim. He’s a Christian. In fact, as President he’s already referred to Jesus more than Bush did during his 8 years in office. Not only that, but he receives daily prayers on his Blackberry from the 26 year old Pentecostal (read: snake-handling, faith healing, crazy people) Director of Faith-Based Initiatives. To top it all off, the substance of the interrupting speech by this supposedly Muslim President is how we need to use Bush’s ‘surge’ strategy in order to wage war on a Muslim country – exactly what one would expect from a secret Muslim, I guess.

But OK, let’s put that aside for now. I can understand being upset at a Presidential address interrupting a TV show you might want to watch. It’s happened to me before. But the Charlie Brown Christmas Special is on YouTube. If he really wanted to make his kids watch it, Obama was not stopping him from doing so.

“Ask the man if he believes that Jesus Christ is the Son of God and he will give you a 10 minute disertation (sic) about it…”

Has he ever done that? What the hell is he talking about here? I know some of those annoying “emergent” Christians who are into post-modernism are susceptible to diarrhea of the mouth, but is Obama one of them? But I will give him that those kinds of Christians are incredibly annoying, so I’m with him here.

“w…hen the answer should simply be ‘yes’….”

And that’s where he lost me. It should simply be ‘No.’

“you know, our forefathers had it written in the original Constitution that ONLY property owners could vote, if that has stayed in there, things would be different…”

Yeah, things would be different if things were different. Good thing they’re not… Right?

And later, responding to criticism for this kind of crap:

“You guys are trying to make a mountain out of a molehill.”

Dr. Freud, call for you on line 1.

War on Christmas XIII, ‘Elf’ vs. Mall

December 4, 2009

OK, so this guy:

He had a plan.

  1. Dress up like an elf.
  2. Go to a mall.
  3. Get in line to see Santa.
  4. Tell Santa that you are strapped with dynamite.
  5. ???
  6. PROFIT!

Amazingly, the authorities were not alerted until step #4, not 2.

And I know you’re probably thinking that this can’t possibly be true because he looks like such a responsible and reasonable member of society based on his mug shot. But if you were to ask that, then you’d be doubting the journalistic abilities of WKOWTV in Madison, WI. Oh yeah, NPR also had the story.

So this William C Caldwell III guy is now facing charges of making terroristic threats, among others. Finally we have an overlap in the War On Terror and the War On Christmas. Here is a Venn diagram to help you understand the implications of this story:

War on Christmas XII, Austria vs. Santa

November 30, 2009

There exists a group of reasonable, sensible people misguided folk psychopaths in Austria who believe that Santa Claus is a conspiracy by Coca-Cola to undermine Austrian Christmas traditions.

“What are these traditions?” You might ask yourself. Well, it’s totally different from Santa Claus, which promotes “gaudy commercialism.” Instead of Santa sneaking into the homes of families to leave his sweatshop-made presents overnight on Christmas Eve, the “Christmaskind (Christmas-child) Movement” favors a young blond child sneaking into the homes of families to leave presents overnight on Christmas Eve, which is totally not gaudy commercialism at all. It’s totally different! Well, no, not really – it’s pretty much the same, just more Aryan.

GTFO

“It’s not against Santa. He is good for the British and Americans but he is not good for us,” said Walter Kriwetz, organiser of the candle-lit procession in Austria’s second city.

See, with Santa’s hair being white, you can’t tell much about his ethnicity. He might be one of them thar FOREIGNER JEW COCA COLA BANKERS BENT ON DESTROYING OUR GLORIOUS NATION AND ENSLAVING US ALL AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

War on Christmas XI, Best. Santa. Ever.

November 29, 2009

A last-minute stand-in for a Santa appearance in Evesham, UK, was fired for being so grumpy that he made children cry. Here is a real picture from the article:

“We were all so let down, I don’t know if the rain had dampened his spirits, but he looked truly miserable and lacking in Christmas spirit.”

This guy is claiming that he was just caught off guard with a last-minute job for which he was not prepared. But we all know he’s really a deep cover operative in the War on Christmas. Good work, Mr. Cowell. You have succeeded in your mission and are an inspiration to us all.

War on Christmas VII-X

November 27, 2009
  • Switching on the decorative city lights in Belfast sort of acted as an ignition for sectarian street battles between the largely Catholic nationalists and the largely Protestant loyalists.
  • Some old retired lady in Hamburg (Germany, not NY) was crushed by a huge Christmas tree. She survived but was badly injured.
  • Here is a hilarious editorial decrying a town’s toning down the whole Jesus thing for the holidays.
  • Cahmbersburg, PA reversed a long-held position of allowing for displays from citizens near a war memorial when Pennsylvania for Christian nativity scenes when  Nonbelievers, Inc. asked to display a secular memorial honoring the war dead.

War on Christmas VI, Arkansas Society of Freethinkers vs. Little Rock

November 25, 2009

The Arkansas Society of Freethinkers last year applied the state capitol to allow them to display a winter solstice thingy on their lawn. Their request was denied on the grounds that the display applied for was not described very specifically. Probably the ASF got the idea to counter a manger scene a little too late and, like many freethought organizations, lacked the organizational skills to accomplish their goals.

So this year, they decided to correct their past mistakes and apply in a more proper manner but their request was denied. And this time, no reason was given for such a denial. However, the good folks at the ACLU are on the case:

“It’s a pretty clear rule about how we use the space on the Capitol lawn. The thing that makes it constitutional to use our government property for displays is the fact that all different points of view have equal access and consideration. So it’s troubling to think that we might be in a situation where they haven’t been given that consideration,”
-Holly Dickson, ACLU Arkansas

I’m not a big fan of the winter solstice substitute for Christmas. The solstice was the basis for the whole Christmas holiday in the first place. So Christmas is just one superstition replacing another. One being older doesn’t make it less stupid. And besides, now we have the one true religion and can all make room on government property to celebrate His Noddlienss:

Hallelujah!